Love him or leave him?

Question

My boyfriend is really controlling he told me delete all my social media accounts bc he’s insecure. He already has my location. And told me I have to reply to his text within 5 minutes. I love him regardless of his red flags but is it actually worth it? We do have a kid tg and I want to be a family so I do w. e it takes does he love me or just love controlling me?

randomuser_27258 · Accepted Answer

Listen to me girl. I don't care what everyone else says. Love & "chemistry" is almost irrelevant when choosing someone to spend your life with. Love is something you grow deeply and madly into because you have decades to do that, but leading with "love" is bound to cause trouble in 90% of cases. This is an extremely poor foundation. People and circumstances change. 5 years down the line, "love & chemistry" can't keep a failing relationships together. It might actually make things 10x worse, because it fogs you're judgement. Build off similar values and core beliefs is the best way. (Ie. we want kids, we both want to be married in under 4 years, we want to retire early, we're christian, he provides for us) your "desire to be a family" might end up wasting your life and ruining your child's. Partners like this tend to get worse and worse overtime. In 2 years, who knows just how he'll behave? NOBODY should EVER, EVER dictate to grown woman that she can't have social media or needs to be kept on a timer like a dog. He undermines you and thinks that he can't lose you. That's why he behaves this. If he knew you could get up tomarrow and dump his sorry ass he would NOT be acting this way.

Remeber you ALWAYS have a choice. Free will is literally impossible take away from yourself, no matter how hard you try. My BEST reccomendation is 1. Deeply decode your love for him. Sit with it. Why do you "love him" so much that you are putting with this? Are you staying out of fear or because this is the man of your dreams? If you want a happy healthy family, is he in alignment with that plan or is another man better for the job? Just talk with yourself. Sit with this for weeks if you have to. 2. You are THANKFULLY not legally bound to him. Leave. Go to court and take custody of your child. You are a beautiful 21 woman. Take this man as a lesson, nurture your child as best as you can, and move on to something better. It might seem extremely difficult at first because you're shocking your fear response to uncomfortable situations, but like all things it will pass and you will be SOOO glad you chose the life YOU want and the people you want in it. Not whatever scraps of cheap "love" he decided to give you for listening to his demands.

nannnnssss · Accepted Answer

Leave him if he doesn't change

Lliam · Accepted Answer

Personally, I wouldn't put up with someone like that for one minute. That dysfunctional, immature, overbearing, jealous, controlling and abusive. He could even have narcisstic personality disorder. I'd tell them to fuck off.

The problem with someone like that is, their behavior is embedded in their emotions. It's not rational. So it's almost impossible for them to change. The behavior will get worse.

Consider this, there can be no love without trust. A healthy relationship is based on mutual regard, respect and trust. So, if he doesn't trust you and he acts like he's your daddy or your boss, he doesn't know what love is. Your compliance with not fix that.

Heartache0405 · Accepted Answer

If it were the other way around and it were my girlfriend being like that to me I'd leave immediately. I'd tell them it's over. If they don't accept it I would get my family involved and probably end up with a restraining order against them. And if that doesn't work id resort to a PPO. But only if the restraining order didn't work. Although it would be more difficult for me because I'm not a woman. It wouldn't be so easy for me to get one placed on a woman. As opposed to a woman having either a restraining order or an ex parte ppo placed upon me. Regardless of whether it was needed or falsely applied

DermalPunch · Answer

Love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You won't believe me but I love you only
I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else
You might find the night time the right time for kissing
Night time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else
There'll be no one unless that someone is you
I intended to be independently blue
I want your love, don't wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
There's no love for nobody else
Say, love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You won't believe me but I love you only
I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else
You might find the night time the right time for kissing
Night time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else
There'll be no one unless that someone is you
I intended to be independently blue
Say, I want your love, don't wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
My love is your love
There's no love for nobody else

IsoUser · Answer

You're 21Yo and if this loser is actually acting like this right now can you even imagine how he is going to go ballistic in the future. Move back into your parents for a couple of weeks change your address back to your parents and block that overbearing douchebag's Phone Number to be perfectly honest.

Paul09 · Answer

Why do you choose to keep digging your self a hole, that you might not be able to get out of? Not worth it! Who would ever think they are worth it? You deserve to be respected. And you need to have the freedom to think for yourself. Hang out with who you want your choice not his. Leave him before he becomes physically abusive. You can find someone else who treats you right.

Prezzi3 · Answer

You can have a kid and still co parent, without having to be together romantically. Specifically for your kid, you should leave because you don’t want that child to think that behavior is normal. You don’t want that child to see his/her mom being mentally or emotionally abused. It starts with mental/emotional abuse first and then it will turn physical. The more you give in to his will, the more he willing to see what you will put up with from him.

Love is trust. How can he love you if he doesn’t trust you? I think he enjoys the power he gets from controlling you. He might not have control in other areas of his life so he tries to control you. Girl, does he pay your cell phone bill? If no, you don’t got to respond to him period unless you want to. Even if he does pay it, you don’t have to do sh**! If you got to ask a whole bunch of strangers if it’s worth it, that’s how you already know it’s not worth it. Don’t ignore the red flags you see.

jshm2 · Answer

You might as well wear red all the time, as you love the drama.

Raising kids with such shitty men has never ended well for anyone. You're just going to end up another statistic on the side of the road if you keep going.

Men and women who exhort overt control are usually the type to react violently when the means or subject of control is removed. This is mainly as they mentally invest heavily in it. So like a child getting a tantrum when you say no, or take away, they lose control of themselves.

Staximus · Answer

Get rid of that control freak. Somebody who respects you will not treat you like they own you. You don't need to be walking on eggshells all the time just so he won't get pissed. Do yourself a favor. Judging by your looks, you could have pretty much any guy you want; so why not find one that will treat you right? You don't need to be treated like shit.

Commando_Preetam · Answer

Where there is doubt there is insecurity and where insecurity there no personal space in love life. Love life is good but when you have your personal space as well. If he doesn't interfere in your work or frnds then be with him else leave him and find new one.

Andres77 · Answer

This is scary controlling.
Sorry but you're going to face a decision soon.
Submit or resist.
I don't know how to convince anyone not to be a tyrant without force so I don't have any real advice.
He's too controlling.
I hope someone else can give you some insight HOW to deal with this.

boggboss · Answer

U have to decide if giving up your free will is worth it as he won't change and start acting normal this will be your reality

Anonymous · Answer

I’d say to leave if you can safely. This is not a healthy relationship. His insecurity is something he needs to work on. Controlling you by who you interact w isn’t going to fix his issues. No person should ever expect someone else to completely resolve their issues in a relationship, that is soley up to that person to fix them otherwise they will never be happy. I can understand your love for him but you have to realize you can only do so much. After a while he’ll only tear you down w him as well, it’ll drain you. Your son child does not need to grow up in this lifestyle as they will continue to live that cycle on their own love life one day. I don’t think you’re concerned about meeting someone else. But if you are, you should t be, you’re very gorgeous. Good luck to you.

globetrotter22 · Answer

This controlling behavior is NOT masculine energy. No it’s height of insecurity. It’s sad (and frustrating) that so many women fall for these guys.

You need to leave him carefully. Be forthcoming that his behavior makes you feel trapped. But say it lovingly. These guys can be very dangerous.

lrina · Answer

even if you have a kid together, both you and the kid would be better off without him. it's not going to be a healthy relationship.

SamIam96 · Answer

What a difficult situation. It's hard to imagine him improving on his own. He needs help. A social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist. I don't know which. If it weren't for your child, I'd have said run.

Please encourage him to seek counseling. All of you will benefit regardless of the final outcome.

StephiC · Answer

Leave him.
The codependent in you translates controlling behaviour into care and therefore love.
It's not love its his ego and insecurity. You're a thing not a person to him.

Do some research on attachment styles. I'd put money on you either being an anxious preoccupied or anxious leaning fearful avoidant. Neither are your fault, they formed in childhood. They are your responsibility to change, especially with a child yourself.

Juicyj76 · Answer

This is him being seriously controlling. I've been in a situation like this myself. Dont let him tell you how to live your life and Don't let him stop. you from seeing your family and friends.
Tell him his insecurities are down to his issues and nothing to do with how your making him feel.

shroomerite · Answer

It’s sweet that you want to make things work w/ him since you have a kid together but continuing to love someone regardless of their red flags will only cause you emotional harm in the long run and staying w/ someone for “the sake of love” or for the sake of being a family won’t do you much good if your partner remains toxic/controlling throughout the progression of your relationship.

RobT312 · Answer

thats scary. i say don't let anyone take away your freedom or identity or personality. don't erase your social media. call the shots and tell him off. if you controlled him i bet he wouldn't like it.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Did you try asking him why he is so terrified of letting you talk to other people? it's not ok to control someone, but he may simply be too dumb to know how to handle his fears. If you ever cheated on him, then his fears are founded, but still that would call for a breakup.

Either way though I don't see this ending well.

Fireguy17 · Answer

time to tell him thank you and good night.
This will never get better, and sadly will get worse, and possibly much worse.
I would leave as soon as possible.
He may end up stalikg you, so be prepared for that as well.

ohshee · Answer

100 % controlling you. and guy that loves you would just tell you how he feels he would never demand for you to do anything I think if you stay with him. Sonner than later your going to start to have more and more problems

AviatorTom · Answer

He is over-controlling, way beyond what a reasonable man would do. If you can put up with that, stay with him. If not (it's your decision), there are plenty of fish in the sea.

rabbitzzz · Answer

It depends. Does your boyfriend reply within 5 minutes. Does he have social media? You already have kid with him? It complicates matters. You can leave and be a single mother. I am sure that dude will find someone else to subjugate.

motownplayer2000 · Answer

That is super concerning. You know what happens to woman that are in that situation and end up following through, one wrong slip up and those men will cook you (shoot, stab or whatever) and then themselves. I see it way more often with those types of men. So yeah, I’d run as far as I can having a kid with him makes it tricky. Very tricky. But for yourself you need to get out.

Alyssa_11 · Answer

I think if you’ve got a kid you need to put a little more effort into making it work. I can’t tell you what your boyfriend is like though because only you know the dynamic of your relationship.

Anonymous · Answer

This is often the first signs of jealousy and abuse. This could get worse and worse as time goes on (often does). Also, really think about that, as time goes on, do you really want him to "control" your life? If you have any negative feelings about that right now, that feeling is only going to GROW and grow and grow! Love isn't always enough.

Apulu_3 · Answer

He should respect your boundaries. That is a huge red flag and you should leave him if he doesn't change.

Waldoe · Answer

Very 'Sad' situation, he will never be satisfied, there will always be something that you NEED to change.. Soon he will start hitting you... I suggest you demand that he seeks counseling, offer to go with him otherwise things will only escalate. if the Counselor says "hey, girl... relax, you are overreacting" then you know that you need to work on yourself... I doubt that is the case... it is almost NEVER the case, if he will not go... RUN

Logan_V96 · Answer

That’s horrible, if you didn’t have a child, I’d tell you to throw him in the trash can. Unfortunately, the child complicates things.

Mofunfour20 · Answer

Those are his standards for taking the relationship seriously. Why would I take a woman seriously if she would rather post on social media than talk to me about it. I'd be insecure too, she's for everybody

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

It's your life and your choice, but come on!!! You're smart enough to already know the answer to that!

SmokyOne · Answer

Leave him. These behaviors don't get better with time only worse.

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

You don't love him the sub in you does. You have to like being controlled or you wouldn't submit to it. Your just not into him as much as you use to be that's why it's becoming a problem now be honest deep down you want to move on right

yucychan · Answer

I would say leave him. Because you are right, he is very insecure. Though I can understand why he would feel that way, just look at your profile pic and your username.

jahaims · Answer

He is immature. do you want your kid to think it is okay to treat people like that?

RebeccaBI2000 · Answer

That’s too controlling. I could never respond within 5 minutes.

Aquariusmystery · Answer

The first sentence was enough to tell you to leave him. The rest is even worse. Please run away while you still can. That’s not love it’s control and abuse

pixie215 · Answer

sounds like things will only get worse for you if you dont leave

bowenw · Answer

I would not be able to live with someone pressuring me and trying to control me.

Honesttguy · Answer

U already have kid with him, u already fuked up daamm. I hope this is just a prank

driven159 · Answer

Controlling get the hell out of it those red flags are waving big time

worldscolide · Answer

No, its not worth it. Someone who is controlling like that, its only a small step for him to become abusive. I would leave.

DrHonesty · Answer

Gtfo. It's psychotic. People like that are sick in the head.

dreamstar72 · Answer

Too controlling and it will get worst if you stay with him.

Selena1987 · Answer

Actually I can’t tolerate this kind of behavior  If I were in your shoes, I definitely would leave him

Wise4myage · Answer

Time to bail on that creep, unless you like living in jail.

donnny2367764 · Answer

Leave him... and fuck his best friend or brother.. that will show him who's boss

OddBeMe · Answer

Oh leave him. But be careful. Seen a lot of true crime docs start off like this…

Molly1992 · Answer

He’s trying to isolate you from friends and family that how abuser operate. So yes dump him.

bigconfidence97 · Answer

Leave. Don't deal with that. I'd rather be single than have to deal with that lol

ccampbell1 · Answer

leave him it sounds like a toxic situation that you need to get out of fast

TyLeeAndPink · Answer

He sounds really controlling.

Anonymous · Answer

ok umm he's a psycho and you need to leave asap pronto

anton_dee · Answer

Jesus, you still wanna be with him? 🙄🙄🙄

Gwenhwyfar · Answer

Leave him! Huge red flags

Now_Here · Answer

How do even put up with him? Leave him ASAP.

20yearsolder · Answer

Tell him adios, it's only going to get worse

Becky316 · Answer

Girl I'd leave

checkingavailability · Answer

Block him, if you want freedom...

noohair · Answer

Do you want to be a free person or a slave?

Luckycharms12 · Answer

Just read the first few words leave

Love him or leave him?

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