Why Do Intelligent People Have A Hard Time Dating?

[Anonymous]

[BeMuse]

Intelligent people have very active creative minds that are constantly curiously seeking out new ideas. Most people just aren’t all that interesting or stimulating. Most people are average and relatively simple. You play with them for a little bit and figure them out, but there just isn't enough substance to keep you coming back over and over again. You could interpret that as having higher standards, being picky, having a big ego, etc. but ultimately it’s really just being unfulfilled, bored, maybe neglected. The right person will keep them interested, but most people just don’t have it in them. All the bullshit about smart people not understanding emotions and always operating based on logic is bogus. Smart people are often very passionate. They can be intense. They can be infamously mean spirited and blunt to some people which often gets interpreted as anger or unhappiness by dumb people. They can be a total sweetheart to others and be highly romantic. Smart people will read your emotions, charm the hell out of you with fast witted humor, and have you wrapped around their little finger if they want and can easily manipulate you if they feel it’s worth their time. Smart people often speak on many different levels to adapt to their audience. You think people that study everything in the world, just stop when it comes to studying people? Don’t make me laugh. Next, being smart doesn’t make you weak, shy, anxious, or timid. That is just dumb people wishfully hoping that people that outsmart them have some sort of flaw. People that exercise tend to do better on IQ tests, perform better in school, and earn higher grades. Ask yourself if it’s logical that dumb people would do better in school and IQ tests when they get fit and strong, but people that perform exceptional well would show the opposite tend and become weak and feeble. That’s just idiotic.

[queenimpala]

This is a really cool answer!!

[razelove]

I only did in my first relationship. It was a manipulative shit show where I got cheated on a lot, saw hundreds of thousands of dollars evaporate into drugs, and, yeah. After that I embraced the anger and need for control in me, stopped being a simp, released the sadist in me, and everything has been smooth sailing from there.

I mean in an overall way, sure, there are bumps in every relationship, but I offer compromise, if it's rejected, then I offer a new compromise, same as the last one, my way or get out of my life. Some people can't handle it, but most can. Maybe I simply attract subs, but it works out fine.

Your problem may be that you're overthinking or holding on to image or shame. You do what you do to be yourself and be happy. You find someone else to be happy with and don't try to change who they are. You can tell them what to do, but not how to be. If they try to tell you how to be, tell them to hit the road unless it's to move around more and eat less because you're prediabetic or something. That's a smart move.

[shaysh87]

Socially intelligent people don't have a hard time dating. Its the academically intelligent ones that have a harder time dating.

academically intelligent people tend to focus much of their time doing solitary activities such as studying, robotics, chess, reading. Stupid people tend to focus most of their activities on socializing at bars, watching tv / netflix, PlayStation , xbox, hookups. This is the same reason why academically intelligent people tend to be less socially skilled than dumber people.

Academically intelligent people also do not tend to get along with just absolutely any random person on the street. Intelligent people don't tend to get along with dummies or average intellect. Of course exceptions exist but thats not the general rule. Intelligent people tend to seek out folks with above average intelligence. And folks with above average intellect may be harder to find.

[amandat94132]

Yes because the interests are so different Intelligent people love to learn and explore
My friend told me a funny story about college friends , they went on vacation to Vegas, the curious smart people didn't want to party or be involved in small talk

Instead of partying they slept at night and woke up to take a nature hike while the
party people were nursing hangovers

They took geology books with them and literally identified every rock in the Nevada desert :) Three marriages came from this , and the weddings were near the Griffith Park Observatory so they could learn about that after the wedding

The topics are so different :) Most people think about using the income for weekend partying , then they talk about it 24/7 More curious people are not interested in
gossip partying 24/7 or small talk

[ManOnFire]

If they are emotionally and intellectually intelligent - and I don't necessarily mean intellectually as in book smarts - they are generally going to have a harder time dating because their thought-processes are on a higher level than many other people and they take love and connections much more serious than the general population.

[jennifer_bloom]

They are more picky so must invest more into researching their prospects before making their selection.

[OlderAndWiser]

In what way do you think intelligent people have added difficulties in dating?

[OlderAndWiser]

How can anyone disagree with me for merely asking a question for clarification?

[EllaNella]

some people who probably consider their smarts to be their issue in dating thought you might imply it isn't and got pissed i guess

[hafinjun]

I thought it was a good question

[amandat94132]

@EllaNella They tend to want to zone out , the creativity is very high " you don't have to explain it to me " It's just a comment I made why the hostility I can't read your mind

[EllaNella]

zoning out and creativity, again are not markers of intelligence. i wasn't being hostile, i'm just very matter of fact

[amandat94132]

@EllaNella When they get innovative, brain storming They can use this ability to create new tech

[EllaNella]

creating tech is not a skill that's inherent to intelligent people, it's something that people can do when they have studied something tech related. Creativity is also not exclusive to tech.

[Desconhecida]

Because they don't settle for less than they deserve.

[ChrisMaster69]

Often can be more fussy, not as attracted to purely the physical.

Have recognised there is more to life than simply ‘beauty, physique’ etc and that things like being able to hold a conversation with someone is actually important.

Intelligent (depending how you classify it), often socialise with similar people, bringing a new partner into a social circle that talks about stuff other than sport, can be awkward.

finding partner that you can socialise with as well as get on with, can often reduce the available ‘stock’ of others to find someone from.

[Leshen]

I think it's more so intelligent women that have a hard time. Statistically, being a smart woman is less desirable than being a smart man. Mostly because intelligent women are often seen as harder to please due to their independence. Also, less likely to compromise or accept the bare minimum.

I wouldn't say this is a bad thing tho. It sucks when trying to find partners, but your partners will be more fulfilling when you do get them. Better to have a man that's not intimated by you and instead appreciates your intellect. Than one who is threatened by it.

I personally don't understand why any gender would want a dumber partner when they're supposed to be your equal 💀

[Manab]

It's hard for men too. Most women too don't wanna date smart men. They classify them as nerds, boring, and bookish. Smart women can still get many guys. Smart girls, I know from colleges, and universities have boyfriends, and smart men are single for a long time. However, situations can be different when they get older.

[Leshen]

@Manab Yeah I see your point. Nerdy men can have it bad but I noticed that as long as they have money and things to compensate. They can usually find someone. It's harder to find genuine connections that way tho. That's facts.

[genericname85]

because people tend to date people that are somewhat equal to them not just in the case of "intelligence" exclusively but for sure intelligence plays a role. so the issue is: the further away from the center you get from pretty much any bell curve that stratifies measures of success or personal qualities, the less people there are in a strata. so less people means logically, it's harder to find a mate that's equal to you. simply cause there is less of them. that goes for both directions that lead away from the center of the bell curve of course.

so like someone who's extremely cognitively impaired (let's say bottom 1%) will pretty much have equally bad chances of finding a mate as the top 1% highest IQ people. simply cause both have very few somewhat equal mates compared to if you're bang on in the middle like the perfect average person.

[Jamie05rhs]

I think it's especially hard for intelligent introverts. Because their intellectual abilities are hidden, since they never talk. So they attract people who are on a lower level, and that attraction is never reciprocated because the intelligent person is looking for someone with a higher IQ.

[genericname85]

@Jamie05rhs it's also extremely hard for intelligent women, cause women don't typically date down the hierachy when it comes to this.

[Jamie05rhs]

@genericname85 I think you're right, and I also think that men often reject those women. Because they are seen as nitpicky and difficult.

[genericname85]

@Jamie05rhs well they are difficult to a less intelligent man quite litterally. same as intelligent men are to less intelligent women. gradient in intelligence in couple relationship significantly impacts their ability to relate, communicate and predicts very poor subjective quality of relationship. so to the less intelligent person it seems "difficult" to understand. because it takes intelligence to relate to an intelligent person.

[genericname85]

meanwhile the inteligent partner typically doesn't feel understood, which of course makes the less intelligent one feel guilty and inadequate, which they are less likely to reflect on their on shortcomings, as most people look for the problems in others rather than themself.

[Jamie05rhs]

@genericname85 No, I meant difficult as in being a bitch.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Avicenna I'm referring to what you said in your comment below your main comment. You said it much better than I did. (Admittedly, you are smarter than me.)

[genericname85]

@Jamie05rhs from what i have learned about social science and psychology, i would take an educated guess and claim that "being a bitch" is usually not a thing that correlates with intelligence. i would actually say that this is "less" of an issue with intelligent people. and more of an issue with "less" intelligent people. though if i'm wrong on that one, please let me know.

i know that psychological issues can be more pronounced and harder to fix with more intelligent people but i would not infer things from exceptions.

[Kaneki05]

Because not average. In a average world, the average do better at dating the other averages. The average people do better at getting steady jobs, the average do better at conforming to things around them. Intelligent are not average they have much harder time doing those things.
And why myself does too.

[Asker]

True as far as I’ve seen

[ArtemisSilver]

Well in my case it's because I'm trying to try out an alternative family unit based on logic. Male lead polyfidelity.

The pros being added wealth for everyone involved, optimised childcare, freedom to be a housewife or a career woman without giving up as much for either.

It's a valid solution to social mobility, the failing birth rate and the hostile economic conditions that are facing our generation.

Unfortunately, I basically have to do a PowerPoint to explain the concept to most people and most women just seem want to be men or a disney princess lol.

The usual response seems to be confused anger. But I'll keep on trying. The nice thing about being a dude is that I've got lots of time.

[lucas262]

I don't know if it makes me smart or not but I see what a Lotta people are doing hooking up, saying the I love yous etc

And I see how many relationships fail today and I think it's because people always look for what they can get outta the relationship. Not many work and give to the other with out expectations. Which is love. A choice.

You can't be selfish and call it love. At some point you gotta be all in for the other person and if their worth it they will return that.

I think we would all give a lot for a partner like this

[zagor]

Perhaps too logical about things. And they may be harder to relate to. I worked briefly at a company with about a dozen people, of which only two others were male, and about half of whom were young single women 19-25. I used to go out to clubs with them sometimes. But I wouldn't have dated any of them even though most were attractive enough physically. They just were not very bright and I couldn't see myself in any kind of relationship there. One of the guys was the only one besides me with a college degree; I know a lot of bright people who don't have that paper but none of them worked there.

[slatyb]

It's simple. They are searching the shallow end of the dating pool. People typically seek partners they can easily converse with, which means someone of approximately equal intelligence. Someone in the top 1% of intelligence (IQ 137) may only be interested in dating someone in the top 2-3% of intelligence. Of course, people of high intelligence tend to get together professionally or otherwise but if they fail to find a partner until 30 they will find relatively few of their peers are available.

[DenizLikesTennis]

It is because we have too many details that we notice and way too many questions/possibilities in our mind (that we don't speak it out) instead moving super quickly forward to prevent perils. So they are way more cautious. It takes lots of time and patience.

[Anonymous]

By "people", you are obviously talking about women here, because "I have a hard time dating because I'm too intelligent" is not something any guy in the history of guys has ever said.

Now that we have that out of the way and we've established that we're talking about women, let's address the actual problem. Intelligent women don't have a hard time dating... undesirable women have a hard time dating, and the ones who think they are intelligent but really aren't blame their failures on their "intelligence".

Note that by undesirable I am not necessarily talking about physical attractiveness. Your intelligence will never make you undesirable to a good man, but other things may. Use your "intelligence" to figure out what those things are and fix them, if you care enough to. Use your "intelligence" to recognize that your starts are NOT what are keeping you from being successful with good, self-respecting men.

[Opinion Owner]

*smarts

[Anonymous]

The problem people have with dating is not intelligence. Intelligence is extremely attractive to both men and women. Some of the most amazingly desirable women I know are very intelligent. And some of the most undesirable women I know are also very intelligent.

The problem women have is their personality, their attitude toward men and relationships, their priorities and their inability to treat a man well. Unfortunately, they blame their failures with men on being a "strong and intelligent" woman, and by doing so they completely miss the real problem.

[shaysh87]

nobody is forcing you to gravitate towards women who don't treat you well. there are plenty of other women out there who do treat men well.

[Opinion Owner]

@shaysh87 I don't gravitate toward women like that. I am repulsed by them. Your comment here was a useless deflection.

[shaysh87]

Hahah what makes you think there aren't men who dont treat women well?

[Opinion Owner]

@shaysh87 Of course there are. Where did I say there weren't? And what does it have to do with ANYTHING I've said here?

[shaysh87]

it all has to do with who you want to focus your energy on: the good or the bad. its all a choice

[Opinion Owner]

@shaysh87 All you're doing is stating the obvious here, and what you've said has nothing to do with the subject of the question or my response to it.

[shaysh87]

i think you're just pretending you don't understand what my point is.

[Opinion Owner]

@shaysh87 I totally understand your point. It's just a dumb one in the context of this question.

[shaysh87]

if you just listen to my advice, you will no longer have any problems.

[Opinion Owner]

@shaysh87 If you had actually read my comment you'd know I don't have a problem. Unlike you, I was addressing the actual question and explaining why some women have problems in dating.

[shaysh87]

Women don't owe you anything. ok?

go after bad women, you get bad results. there are plenty of good women that you don't bother with

[Opinion Owner]

@shaysh87 Wow, you are thick. I never said women owe me anything and I've never gone after bad women. I've never had problems finding good women who don't have the behavioral problems that are the underlying issue related to this question. But there are a lot of women who do, and I suspect you know you are one of them and that's why you have been soooo defensive about it here.

[shaysh87]

If ugly things are the first things that come to your mind about women, it means you DO have a problem with women. Quit lying. You sound like a bitter piece of shit

[Opinion Owner]

@shaysh87 LMAO. You can't even stand it when someone points out the behavioral problems some women have that create problems for them with dating. What a whiny little child you are. Grow the fuck up.

Bye now

[Aerissa_Jade]

Personal experience here, they tend to be socially awkward. At least the ones I've met, are super intelligent but have social skills ranging from 3 or under out of 10. If they were homeschooled many graduated from high school and college before 18. You can imagine that puts a bit of a damper on their social skills.

[JohannaSm]

They sometimes have priorities that aren't dating. Especially true for women - women in countries where they don't have access to higher level schooling often get married and have children at a young age. But women in countries where we can go to college and pursue a career wait much longer on average to have children because of priorities like education and work

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I remember there was that cute super Intelligent guy, he talked to me about Math problems and while it was pretty interesting, I don’t think that’s the best topic to talk about with a girl you like :P

Otherwise, give me the intelligent people, I love intelligence.

[KelleyNice]

Perhaps it is because dating is not easy regardless of person's IQ. Dating may be easy for college educated men and much harder for college educated women. That is because colleges are about 60% women and women don't like to date below their educational level.

[Novacane]

Because they are intelligent for a reason these people tend to stick to the books and are very good at doing things on their own at least formulating ideas on their own. But that would mean that they are lacking in social skills, which you find most intelligent people struggle with and knowing how to talk to people is a skill of its own