Why do I feel like I have to play dumb to get a guy to like me?

[Anonymous]

This probably sounds like an arrogant post, so it's gonna be anonymous. I was always nerdy growing up and was bullied for it - I was super tomboyish, pretty awkward, had bad acne, boys called me ugly. Now I'm 21 and became apparently pretty attractive - random men hit on me all the time, and all my male friends I ever have always eventually either make moves or confess a crush. I like to think I'm pretty successful - I have three publications in engineering research journals and right now I'm making $50/hr in an internship. I've been top of my class in most of my STEM classes and often my male peers ask me for help. My last boyfriend broke up with me because he felt like I made too much money, and the one before that broke up with me because he felt "emasculated". I'm pretty submissive in bed and several of the guys I've been with have said that the sex we've had is the best they've ever experienced. On the other hand, I'm really starting to feel like my career/intellectual abilities are really holding me back from dating. I've noticed a pattern: men stick around and claim to love me when I pretend to work a minimum wage job and let them explain Newtonian physics to me (often incorrectly), and they leave when I try to be honest about what I can or can't do. I'm kind of in a dilemma because on the one hand I really crave the connection found in a relationship, and on the other hand feel like I can't be honest about myself. The same thing happens when I date sometime who knows who I am beforehand; they get quickly disillusioned in the relationship and want to revert back to being friends with benefits.

[RosieMelts]

Seems like you should just go for smarter guys and guys with similar interests or in similar fields etc. Don’t ever take away from parts of who you are to satisfy others. It’s unhealthy to lower yourself to make others feel better. A butterfly should never stop flying just so they can make other caterpillars feel better and engage with them. You belong in the skies. You only live once. Fly with other butterflies. They’ll have their time to bloom and it could be short lived. This is your time of blooming and thriving. So you want some pleasure along the way? Not a bad thing. Go for guys who have the confidence to match that and some intellect to keep a good convo with you. Even if guys aren’t women at the end of the day- it’s good to have a smart confident one who doesn’t fake it.

Some guy responded to this answer calling you insecure and that could be true but you don’t belong with shallow insecure guys. You deserve to be confident and. Confidence is the sexiest thing a girl can wear.

See how far you can go. What you’ll accomplish and fuck whoever you want. If you’re looking for recognition from men- let me tell you- that’s one thing you may never get and I don’t want you to be disappointed so don’t look for recognition from anyone- male or female, and just enjoy the skills you have. Develop them, and just have fun out there. There’s only one you. It’d be a shame if you change that up for others or stunt your growth never seeing your full potential.

Best to you sis ✌️😊🫂

[NathanDavis]

@rosiemelts by the way, another dead giveway for repetitive posters is how they always post the entire text in a block with no spaces whatsoever... no paragraphs like the ones you used very well in your response

they just do a copy/paste from the all other, dozens of times they posted the very same thing, sometimes word by word

[RosieMelts]

@NathanDavis 🤣 I apologize for bashing you LMAO seems you’re a good person and I was wrong. I admit that before it’s too late lol and I’ll welcome anyone who comes to your defense on this.

[NathanDavis]

no worries, lol... don't worry about that

you were not wrong either... lol

[Massageman]

Whatever you do, please be honest with the guys. It may take longer for "Mr. Right" to come along, but- IMO- it will be worth the wait. That said, you do NOT have to tell the guys 100% of everything the first time you meet them. You can certainly bring up things as they arise (no sexual pun intended), just don't fib about them.

Maybe teach some STEM/STEAM classes in your local area and meet some fellow teacher dudes who wouldn't be afraid of your brain power, per se. Could always join MENSA - my daughter did (she found it lacking, though - most of the people just used it as a "status" thing rather than really getting into the SIG's. etc. ) I suppose you could be a volunteer tutor, but that would probably just dredge up far too many dual-relationships with which to deal.

Re: the submissive part for beddie-bye. Maybe consider taking turns running the show- he might actually LIKE you being on top (figuratively AND in reality). Good luck.

[NathanDavis]

why? because you're still emotionally immature and insecure

and that makes you vulnerable to these things happening to you

[RosieMelts]

Why would you say it so bluntly. Even if she was you added no comfort or solution as guys tend to think methodically like that if not empathetically after such a statement. Don’t tear others down Sherlock. Ig I can’t expect a duck to be a mother hen..

[NathanDavis]

@RosieMelts well... because I am familiar with this post and this poster, and it comes up all time, every week, or every two weeks, or every month

I've seen it many times before and it is always the same, and every time I see very considerate and thoughtful comments like yours, and I have answered like that before, the first time... but all other 12 to 20 times... not so much

if you are new to the site, then you might not be familiar with repetitive posts like this... but you will learn to recognize them with enough time

I know it seems "rude" to you but oh well, this is the internet... and we're not always aware of the full picture

your answer is great... but the chances are that it will be ignored, and the original poster might even ask the same question two or three more times just word it a bit differently so they are not deleted as duplicates

[RosieMelts]

Strange. My apologies for this misfortune to you. I can’t imagine why anyone would keep posting the same question either 🤔. Is it a level of trolling or does the person not have any other questions? True shame either way. Thanks for notifying me on this

[NathanDavis]

@RosieMelts it is a way of trolling, yes... maybe something else like a fixation for others, some of them can go over 200 to 500 similar posts, it can get a bit weird, lol

but yes, either way, like you said... it is a bit of a shame

[Asker]

Well, to me it is funny that you mention that I'm a troll when this is my first time posting on GirlsAskGuys, or virtually any question forum. You know, all questions are clichés. There rarely exists a "new" question ever asked in this world. I think this says more about you - is the type of person I am enraging to you that you group us all as the same?

Still, unlike Rosie's offense taken, I think this is likely a valid answer. I'm emotionally immature and insecure because no one's ever displayed to me any sign of security, and I've never been displayed a sign of security because I've always had to take care of myself. The question still stands - why does this insecurity lead to playing myself down?

[Anonymous]

Your problem isn't that you are smart or successful. It's your personality and attitudes, and especially how you treat men. I see this all the time. A woman is smart and successful but she struggles to keep men interested. The easiest things to blame it on are her intelligence and/or success so she assumes that is the problem and doesn't even consider the real issue, which is how she treats men.

Now, I will say there is sometimes a correlation between a woman's success and how she treats men, although many don't recognize it in themselves. How you see yourself relative to men can influence how you treat a man and how you view relationships. I knew a couple who ended up divorcing due to issues caused by her earning more money than him when she took a different job. But the problem wasn't him feeling threatened or emasculated, it was her treating him differently and not respecting him. Even I could see it happening when we spent time together. It spiraled from there and eventually the relationship was irretrievably broken. Thankfully they didn't have any kids.

The bottom line is that if you know how to treat a man well, your success/intelligence will not hurt you in dating or relationships. Most guys see intelligence in women as a turn on.

[Anonymous]

You need to date better guys, perhaps Physicists. They are always smarter than engineers and can explain post-Newtonian mechanics, relativity, and stuff 🤣. But dumbing yourself is worse.