Would continue dating someone in serious debt, at what point do you draw the line, and where do you draw it?

[DaveJord]

You have been dating for 8 months. Starting out it wasn't a big deal. As the relationship progresses into a serious more committed long relationship when do draw a line and where do you draw it?

Yes

No

Updates

+1 y

I explained in a committed LTR that means she has to expect change in her life. That is what happens with these types of relationships you have to change as the relationship develops and grows, because we are supposed to be building together for a life together. So if she can't reduce this debt or let me assist with debt consolidation and fiscal planning then we can go back to regular dating. I told to call me when she decides on what type of relationship she wants.

Updates

+1 y

I have been accused of mansplaining of course, because that is an easy thing to do in cases like this... when you have to explain something to someone in denial and they don't want to hear it.

But in three days I got three text saying she loves me... no phone calls yet. But I am not paying off this debt and she is going to have to work with me on this or get on with herself.

[LazerBean]

My only purpose for dating was looking for someone to marry, so I would break it off as soon as I wound out. Which was always soon for me. If it's a house mortgage then that's different. If it's an unnecessarily expensive car, no thanks. It's it's for a degree that is obviously stupid and not going to get and keep a good enough job to pay it off reasonably quickly, no thank you. Basically unless it's a debt that is going to resolve itself (business loan, etc..) then I'm going to assume he's bad with money and I don't want anything to do with it.

[Bratsondanielle]

Not if it's too serious. If we're at the point of no return where the bills exceed the income, then no. That also proves the person is a bit of a dumbass cut how does anyone let that happen? If it's at a level that can be saved and he's willing to do it then yes

[DaveJord]

Offered her a few 100 dollars to hold her over, until the next pay check. But I also told her that I am really good with money and finical planning so I would want to discuss her budget and spending if she wanted my help. She said absolutely not that she would not ask or accept money from me.

So beyond that I am not willing to help her any more then what I offered.

[Bratsondanielle]

I get that. Some people have no sense of money. It just disappear

[Avicenna]

Her having serious non-mortgage debt is a complete dealbreaker. A few years ago I met a woman who was perfect except for having 85k in student debt and it seemed unlikely that she'd ever be able to make enough to pay it off, so I decided not to date her.

But it does depend on the circumstances.

[OlderAndWiser]

If she doesn't ask me for money, I am okay with casual dating such a lady, but she is not a candidate for the forever position.

[DaveJord]

Exactly you nailed in the fewest words possible.

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks for MHO!

[Jamie05rhs]

Just keep your lives completely separate for now. DO Not, for any reason, move in with her. Just meet her for dates or whatever else y'all do. (I'm not gonna judge haha.). You CAN try to give her good advice and encourage her to make changes and start making better decisions and work on getting her life in order. But don't let her make it your responsibility. Because it isn't. Make her do the work. Just help her if she needs it.

[DaveJord]

Nah... not going to happen. I am not giving out money. I mean I would help her, and keep dating but can't seriously be in a committed long term relationship with someone that has these types of problems.

[Jamie05rhs]

@DaveJord I understand. You are probably making a wise decision.

[Jamie05rhs]

Re: update: Hold the line. Don't let her manipulate you.

[Anonymous]

Probably not. Just because she f***ed up her life doesn't mean she gets to f*** up mine. I say probably not because some debt is just bad luck. But this is why you date and get to know people to find out which it is. One things for sure how much debt she has is a definite strike against her.

[Anonymous]

I think it would depend on the nature of the debt.. is it student loans or medical debt from doctors visits? I could personally overlook those. However, if it's debt of like.. the person just not paying their bills ever.. I could never.

[DaveJord]

Its debt she claims that her mother stuck her with. That her mother took out all types of crazy things in her name... but when her mother died it all came back on her. But this a women that lived with her mother for a long time with her two kids who are now 16 and 17, so her mother did things for her and she just assumed her mother had all the money. Instead her mother had leans out on the house and was using her name to run up credit cards and hiding it all from her.

But honestly I don't know the debt, some of it is medical but again I don't really know and she is not really being forthright. She's not lying to me per say, but she's not telling me everything either and for me that is worse than lying. Because she is avoiding the lie by not sharing the information because she knows its not good... so how bad is it? That is what I don't know and that is what is bothering me the most.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh, yikes. See that's a tough one. My mother had definitely destroyed my credit by putting things in my name before I was even 18. However, it's super easy to dispute charges, which is something this woman needs to do if what she is saying is the truth. Also, having 2 children under the age of 21 living with her also means that she should be on state medical insurance and not have any sort of medical debt. State medical insurance is given to all mother's with children under the age of 21 living in the household. So that's a big discrepancy on her part as well. It seems to me like everything that she is claiming is easily taken care of and could be sorted out but she isn't taking the steps to actually take care of it. Avoidance is not a good trait to have and it seems to me like she is that type of woman. Either that or she is lying to you about her debt completely and the things she is stating her mother put in her name were actually her the entire time and now she is just blaming her mother, who is no longer around to defend herself.

[DaveJord]

And that is exactly where I am at on this. Seems like she is avoiding things that could be handled differently and better. If what she claims is true. So what's really going on?

But you can't say that to a woman when she is on the defensive, they just say your mansplaining them or talking down to them. When in reality I am just trying to understand the real problem, and when I get half answers with out complete transparency then how am I supposed to understand her perspective without mansplaining, because what she is saying can't be true.

[DaveJord]

I say it can't be true, but if what you are saying is true... then your going about it in the worse way possible. So by pointing that out I am insulting her I guess? But hey I can just walk away and take any help I am offering with it... no questions asked.

[Opinion Owner]

I definitely agree with you! Something isn't adding up!! Have you been paying for her living expenses? Because it honestly kind of seems like she may be just using you for a financial cushion.

[DaveJord]

No I have not given her any money, only thing I have given her is gas money. She comes to see me every weekend and I make sure she had enough money to get a full tank. Its about 60 miles or 120 miles round trip for her. So I give 60 to 80 bucks for gas every weekend depending on the gas prices.

Only thing I am offering her is to assist her in consolidating her debt, finical planning and developing a budget and spend plan.

[DaveJord]

We been dating for 8 months so she is defiantly not using me.

[Opinion Owner]

Hmm, I don't know then. It sounds really suspicious to me. I wish you the best in figuring it out!!

[exitseven]

Unless there was a legitimate reason for the debt like a big hospital bill or bailing the father out of jail I would break up with her. A lot of debt shows poor impulse control and a short sighted view of life.

[Jamie05rhs]

Bailing someone out of jail is a legitimate reason? Lol

[exitseven]

@Jamie05rhs yes, unless it is an ex boyfriend.

[Jamie05rhs]

@exitseven Not a legitimate reason.

#1 she shouldn't be dating a criminal in the first place.

and #2 if he goes to jail, then she should let him stay there. That's not her problem.

[TacosRAwesome]

Depends on whether they're working to pay their debt or not and what is the debt for. It's a turn off if they constantly need to spend money on pointless things when they have debt.

[DaveJord]

And that is the chase, I don't think this person has ever had good spending habits.

[TacosRAwesome]

Exactly. Paying debts and bills should be put first.

[CloudMassacre]

I have $5000 dollars of debt, so I can’t be too judgmental

[DaveJord]

$5000 isn't soo bad depends on you job and type of debt. Hell at one point I was 600K in debate with three mortgages... but they were all rented. I put 5k a month on my card credit card and pay it off at the end of every month just to earn more cash back. I put everything on the card... I am technically I am 4,300 in debt now until the end of the month. But I am not taking payday loans just so I can feed my kids.

[maximumpower]

Never.