Why do I wanna make my boyfriend feel shitty?

[Anonymous]

like ima do this quick cause this question is sorta foggy in my head but I tend to get upset sometimes and I cannot control myself or act happy at all so my boyfriend keeps msging me or talking and I can't help but be really rude to him. sometimes I wanna say things that will upset him or even make him cry but I never do cause that would hurt me and him. maybe it's cause I've had fucked up relationships before hand so I don't know I have a mental issue now over it and it's a trauma thing. just a guess

[DaveJord]

I think you have already answered your own question. I would not say you have any type of mental health issue... but some people just process some things different then others.

So why do you wanna do it?

Honestly because your boyfriend is trying to console you, but he has no idea how deeply you are feeling this hurt, so you want to hurt him. In doing so, it would be like you gaining some type of control over all the others that have hurt you before. But you have this moral conscious, which is telling you that you know that is wrong. So hold on to these feelings, repress them and then when they come out its like reliving the same emotional experience.

So the reality is that everyone feels things a different levels... so what's trauma to some, may be speed bump to others. But obviously you have some real repressed emotions that are trying to get out and you are battling yourself for control over them.

So you probably need to talk to health professional, sometimes just letting it get out and telling someone that is none threatening to you, whose job is to literally to listen and not judge you... can do a lot in helping you through the healing process.

But you have to take some ownership over the process for yourself. You can not control or change the things others have done to you. So when I say ownership I am not talking about taking responsible for the things others have done. I mean taking ownership over the process, in which you deal with the impacts these events have had on you, and then how you want to progress moving forward in life. You can not change the past, but the past does not have to define you either... but you have to take that step in owning the the process.

[Asker]

I will try to get the help when I know I can financially have one. do you think I should tell him that sometimes I feel like hurting his feelings? or should I keep it to myself. I thought of telling him while I'm not thinking negatively so when I do he knows I dont mean it at all..

[DaveJord]

I mean, you should always communicate your feelings. But telling him, probably will not lessen the blow for him. Nobody wants to be treated poorly, and just because you have doesn't give you an excuse to do it to others.

[Asker]

yeah I ended up telling him and he admitted he did feel horrible once but we just went on venting to each other and we both felt better by the end. I'm still going to find a way to not think this negatively even after I told him. he did say if I say something it will still make him feel shitty which I'd totally valid but at least he now knows about it so he doesn't think too badly

[DaveJord]

I think you did the right thing, sometimes just opening up to some one helps. But you know you have this problem and you are willing to admit and at least open up to him about it. So even if you do not get the result you want out that, I think you did the right thing. Admitting you have the problem is a huge first step.

On a emotional level I have been victimized by a women, but that does not make me a victim... it makes me a survivor. And so are you.

[Death_To_Stress]

To stay "safe". Sounds like your past experiences have led you to subconsciously associate partners with inevitable trauma and pain. The more he tries to engage you the greater he resembles a potential, inevitable threat, even if he's not. So, you sabotage your own feelings for him with misplaced anger and resentment as a twisted form of emotional self-defense that feels confusing and inauthentic. There are well-proven methods and techniques to help you reprogram your damaged core beliefs and help you have healthier reactions to what's actually happening instead of what has already happened. A trained counselor or therapist can guide you through them, but you have to be willing to "do the work". Find the help you need and be the person you want to be (and know you are). Good luck!

[TryingMyBest2]

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this and told him to possibly give you space when you get upset so that way you do not lash out at him? If you keep doing that you're gonna lose him. So best advice I can give is to go talk to a therapist and see if it is due to possible past trauma.

[Asker]

I would honestly if it wasn't so expensive I don't even have any sort of insurance over it so I really gotta spend thousand stmthn $$ on it but I'm trying to get some help. I've told him but even after 30min I can still be upset and mainly also cranky cause I wake up super early for work.

[NotTacocaT6969]

It’s normal to have thoughts about saying hurtful things. Negative emotions create those thoughts.


Knowing better than to act on those thoughts is what matters.

[Asker]

yeah I've luckily haven't said too much but I've told him to shut up in a very aggressive way which honestly made me cry cause i was do mean about it

[jshm2]

Because you are a fucking narcissist, and control freak. You cannot control their happiness, and thus try and bring them down to a level where you can.

They eventually discover your toxic ass and it's why friends, family , boyfriends and others ditch you when they can..

[Asker]

uhm I doubt so.. this was recent after I have experiences a pretty toxic boyfriend that ended up leaving me cause he thought I was too loving for him. after a bit of thinking and talking to my boyfriend i realized I'm picking up this habit from my previous exes and doing it to him as a way to cope ig? we talked it out so we have sort of an understanding. I'm still going to find ways to fix this issue though