What should I do? - Hot/Cold dating situation?

[AnonGuyUk]

So a bit of backstory.. I've been dating a girl for around a month or so. She's split up with her boyfriend of about 4 years around 3/4 months ago.

Things have been going great, met up together with a mutual couple who introduced us a few times and then went on a date. The date was unreal, we both agreed we've never got on so well with someone and the night ended with us making out for about 2 hours and getting physical... not all the way though.

Fast forward a week of texting etc everything normal and all of a sudden she texts me out of the blue saying she really enjoys being with me and she really enjoys it when were together but then whenever she's alone she's still upset about things her ex did to her, said it's not fair on me to continue until she's 'healed fully'.

I respect this, at least she has been honest but this causes me a big problem as i 100% have caught feelings for her. I told her i respect her decision and that i'd be open to picking it back up if/when she decides she feels better. She said that she will definitely get intouch one day as she's never got on with someone so well and that we will definitely meet up again soon.

I suppose my question (and i kind of already know the answer) - What should i do now?

My head tells me to leave it and never text her again, if she does get in touch in a month or two then great! if not then i have my awnser but i'm really struggling to be honest due to how i feel about her. I really like her and i hate myself for it but i keep thinking about this almost daily and it's driving me nuts.. i'm torn between what i know i should do (respect her space & wait for her to get in touch - if ever!) and what i want to do (text her first in a couple of weeks).

Is it desperate for me to text her first? How long is actually 'giving her space'? or am i right to just leave the ball in her court potentially indefinitely?

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

I was that girl, I just ended things with my ex of 4 years and then I ended up meeting a new guy that I connected with so well (maybe too well). I realized that it wasn’t fair for him that I still have a lot of “cleaning up” to do in my heart before I can fully open up to him and giving him the love that he deserves.

I’m glad your girl is being upfront and honest about where stands, it shows a high level of maturity and she’s clearly taking your feelings seriously. I think you do need to give her some space to process everything right now, uninterrupted.

Like what Monique said, you can definitely check up on her but keep it light. At the same time, you also need to make some decision. Are you willing to wait for her? If you are, how long are you willing to wait? Are you gonna give yourself a “deadline” before deciding to just let it go and move on or are you just gonna go with the flow?

[AnonGuyUk]

Yeah the one thing i can't knock is how honest she's been with me about it... but that almost makes my feelings worse to be honest hahaha! If it was a straight "No i'm not into this" it'd suck but at least i could draw a line under it!

Oh definitely! It's not going to end well for anyone if I push it.. I'm just worried that maybe the text will never come to be honest.. I'm definitely willing to wait for her, I'm not the type of guy to be like this but there really is just something about her, I've not felt this way in a long time i suppose that's why this is so hard. My biggest worry is that the text never comes and i've wasted my time waiting around... i don't suppose you have a crystal ball for sale? lol.

It's my birthday this month, I've mentally told myself that if she doesn't message then she isn't going to and I need to forget about her. Whether this works or not remains to be seen!

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah at least she’s upfront about it instead of just stringing you along. How long has it been since you last were in contact with each other? I say give her a couple of weeks to a month, but at the same time, don’t stop yourself from initiating contact (but don’t do it too soon).

The waiting game is dreadful but I know you can hang in there. If you think she’s worth it then waiting on her wouldn’t count as you wasting your time, you might end up regretting it if you just up and walk away immediately without even giving her a fair chance. But at the same time, you gotta be realistic. I think it’s a good idea to have a “deadline”, that way you won’t feel like you’ve wasted your time just sitting around and waiting bc you’ve given it a fair chance.

And happy birthday!! I hope things will work out for you, you seem like a genuinely caring guy and you deserve the best ✨

[AnonGuyUk]

It's only been 9 days for god sake! Haha... im happy to give her the space she needs but the main reason I don't want to initiate is because I dont want to seem like I'm pushing her and make it worse but I suppose you're right, given enough time it may not seem that way, say a few weeks or a month.

Yeah the waiting game absolutely does suck! I'm 28 (nearly) so I'm sort of looking to settle down now after enjoying my early 20s and she literally seems perfect so she's definitely worth waiting a bit for! I don't really think I could commit to anything else at the moment anyway 😂

Thank you! 😊 another year older and wiser as they say. Ha! I try to be, sometimes it's not always the best thing for me though see: exhibit 1 lol! Who knows it might work out for the best, maybe not. I appreciate the advice though! Thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

Don’t worry you’ll be fine! A simple “hi, hope you’re doing ok” or a meme, or some random pic then “this made me think of you lol” would do wonders. Even though she is in need of some space right now to heal, doesn’t mean that you can’t be her friend right?

Good luck though, I wish you two the best!!

[MoniqueTLC]

I wouldn't text her right now. She's still going to be going through the grieving process after a break up. Because of your feelings for her, you could message her in a couple of weeks a message that does not warrant a reply. This could be a meme or gif that resonates with the both of you.

This will show her that you have thought about her, but you're not pushing her to talk or link up and leaving things chilled. You don't want to come across as needy or already fully invested, especially since she's still got to go through what she needs to after a bad breakup.

Keep doing your thing and living your life. If the connection was that great, it might just be a case of time is all that's needed.

[AnonGuyUk]

Wow! Thanks for this, very well thought out and consice.

I think my feelings are the main issue tbh, the awnser is obvious - leave her be. I don't doubt she felt a strong connection too because we've been really open with eachother about it all but due to my feelings I'm finding it hard, it's only been 9 days for God sake! Haha.

I think I'll follow your advice as it really resonates with me, I'll try my best to leave it until closer to the end of this month and drop something over to her amd go from there. Maybe even Christmas.

[MoniqueTLC]

No worries, I understand how you feel because I've been in a similar situation. When emotions are involved it makes it that much harder, and sometimes we just don't have enough willpower (lol).

Yeah, do it when you're ready, but not too soon, it's tough but you can do it! You never know, she might reach out to you before then.

[AnonGuyUk]

Yeah will power is definitely the problem as far as she's concerned!! lol even when things were going alright I had to constantly bite my tongue so as to come across the right way.

It's my birthday later this month as I've mentioned in another comment, I've kind of told myself if she doesn't message me by then to try and forget about it but I'm not sure I'll be able to so easily :) plus that might be abit soon to expect her to reach out... i don't know, this whole thing reeks of 'we met at the wrong time in life'.

If she hasn't messaged me by my birthday i think that needs to be my deadline to message her and then if it's dead, move on. I'll see i suppose! but thanks for listening :)

[MoniqueTLC]

Sounds like a good enough time scale :)

[Avicenna]

If she can’t focus on you, you should talk to other women

[Guy13]

Basically, you are her rebound guy. You get that, right⁉️

[AnonGuyUk]

To be fair, she was with someone prior to me/after the breakup but yeah i can definitely see that point of view. Things we've discussed would leave me to believe otherwise though + she's less hung up on her ex than hates him because there was some.. lets say dark stuff that went on and that's what she's still upset about. I suppose that's irrelevant now it's over with though.

Would you go NC forever and if she comes back she comes back? or drop her a message in a few months and see if anything is still there?

[Guy13]

She needs counseling and time to herself to “rediscover” or recover her person. She is stressed and you pursuing her makes her see you as a stressor EVEN THIUGH you want to help and be there. Be careful as you can land in friendzone due to stress.

I would communicate with a text saying, I’m going to give you a call…if voicemail, leave a healthy and strong with genuine tone message. Forever, you are the only guy who cared. No advice or direction or crap. No love bomb 💣 or emotional bombardment. I miss him and can replay his voice type Message.
Wait for her after that. Give it 7 days and text. Let her tell you if voicemail received. Any mention will be perceived as stress or expectation that she can’t meet now. Make sense ⁉️

[AnonGuyUk]

The last message she sent indicates she does definitely like me a lot but obviously thinks this is all still a bit too soon for her. We've spoken once like 7 days ago... 1 message each to clarify where we both stand which was positive but just kind of got left with her saying she will definitely be in touch when she's back on her feet.. My obvious worry is the longer we don't speak the less likely she is to ever message me again.

Yeah that makes sense, to be clear it's already been 9 days... when you say text her, what would you say? my thoughts were to wait a couple weeks and just ask if she's okay and see if that opens a conversation up? to be fair i am actually concerned about her so just asking about her wellbeing without anything else would be easy enough.

I'm torn whether to leave the ball entirely in her court or whether i should take the initiative (and possibly push her away even further if I'm stressing her out).

[Guy13]

I would text her with five minute notification and call hoping for voicemail and leave happy toned but a rock for you voicemail. I do not know how you two speak to one another. Something she play back to herself when lonely. Three sentences at most. Not waiting as that stressful. “You’re a dear treasure and I’m here. Do not hesitate to contact.”
NO to me…implication is to everyone a treasure. Sensible ⁉️

[Iron_Man]

It’s way too soon for her to be dating she’ll probably even go back to her ex she was with him a long time. Her hearts not into it let her go back to her boyfriend

[AnonGuyUk]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

To be honest, i'd rate the chances of her going back to her ex as approx 0% as mentioned above, without going into details, it wasn't a nice break up and he did some REALLY fucked up shit.

I have no doubt whatsoever that she does like me a lot but is clearly not over stuff. Its just obviously hard to walk away from it. Would you - Never text her again and if she does get InTouch great, if not move on? or Leave it a month or two and get in touch to see if something is still there?

[Iron_Man]

She’s confused somebody that’s been with somebody for over four years doesn’t know what they want you’ll just end up being a rebound guy she’ll probably end up going back giving it another shot