I've developed strong feelings for a guy 14 years younger I was with casually. Is getting in a committed relationship with him a good (or bad) idea?

Question

A few months ago I started a casual relationship with a much younger guy (I'm 39 and he's 25). As a recently divorced woman (and a single mom to two girls ages 14 and 15) I got to the point where I was tired of being single and wanted my womanly needs to be fulfilled yet didn't feel like I yet wanted to get involved with anything serious commitment wise. Consequently, Brad (not his real name) seemed like the perfect fit. He's a super fun, super hot guy (insanely amazing body!) who also wasn't looking for a serious relationship/just wanted some fun (and him being so much younger gave me a huge ego boost). I thought there was no way we'd ever become interested in something serious.

However, to make a long story short, Brad and I have gradually developed really strong feelings for each other. A few days ago he said he wanted for us to get serious together. A huge part of me really wants to do that, but I'm still hesitant because of the age difference (which wasn't at all a concern when I thought we'd just be short term fun). We are in different stages in life (I'm a single mom with an established career and he's still in grad school). I also don't know how my daughters would react/feel to their mom serious dating someone so much younger (especially since he's actually a little closer to their age than mine). Also, I'm worried that in the very long term the age gap could become more of an issue than it is now.

With that being said, maturity isn't an issue as we're very compatible there (in many ways he's actually more mature than my ex-husband, whose a few years older than me) and I'd actually love to have more kids (only reason why I didn't is my ex didn't want to) so if we get to that point that shouldn't be an issue (as I do think I've got enough time to have kids with him if we get to that point).

Do you think having a relationship with a guy so much younger is a bad idea or not? Should I give it a try? Tell my what you think/why you think that.

Lalarousse · Accepted Answer

It really depends if the kind of man he is !

There are still many successful marriage and relationship with much younger women and men. The problem is not necessary that you have kids or your age , it’s where you stand in life.

at your age , unless you’re very vibrant, you want to stay at home more, you have more responsibilities like taking care of your kids, you're more mature. You also know who you are ! So your partner need to either be in almost the same situation as you or he needs to be understanding of your situation and has a lot of empathy, and patience. this is the main reason couples that have up to 10 years difference are more likely to divorce (over 50%).

the kids part could be an issue with they don’t like him and are very rude to him or if you spend too much time with them , if for an instance you have the primary custody ( which is understandable sometimes ).

and finally age could influence relationship, because of some factors. Does he plan having kids some day? If so, is he okay with adopting or surrogacy if things gets very serious between you two? And are you ok having another child?
the rest is details. You’re going to hear people saying that you’re super old and he will try to go out with your daughters ( which is very crazy ) and blablabla. But for you to get a 25 years old means you’re a great catch ! So don’t listen to the negative comments. if some men can marry women that are 10+ years younger , I don’t see why you can’t? Stay positive ! You only live once :) and don’t listen to those negative comments !

Rania05 · Accepted Answer

I saw pretty nasty opinions while strolling down 👇

So, I'll re-say because GAG never responded to my request, I'm actually 17 not 37 and even my keyboard registered the words because of how many times I said it on this site.

First off, you divorced because it seems you and your ex weren't in the best kind of relationship, honestly CONGRATULATIONS 🎉 (Can't believe I'm saying this while Muslim 😂)

Being with an emotionally immature man who's in his 40s sounds with daughters to take care of every bit of horrible

Moving on from this...

You sound like someone with stable job and enough emotional intelligence, means you can pull out if turns to the worst, right?

It was nothing serious between you and him at the start but he saw your merits and wanted to be serious.

Our prophet Muhammwas ,
ad's first wife was more than a decade older than him and was married before.

Under this example, I can't see what's wrong with older woman being with younger men, in our moder society it's this relationship no one is optimistic about that last much longer than older men with young girls.

The prime minister of France married a woman who's more than 20 years older than him.

Just go with the flow, you have nothing to lose, he sounds pretty good to me.

SnowedIn · Accepted Answer

Is it a bad idea? No, it's not. Should you try? Yes.

Will you face challenges? Yes. Will there be (lots) of people who give you a hard time about the age gap? Yes, there will. BUT. This is about you. If you've got the feelings, acknowledge them and work with them. Do it with your eyes wide open (which you already are) and not just raw emotion. But you deserve whatever happiness might come from this. Yes, you have work out whatever compatibility issues you might have and perhaps put extra work in relative to bridging some generational stuff, but you can make it work. ANY relationship is work (you already know this). As for your daughters, make them part of the process but they get to dictate your happiness. Make sure there's no doubt of your love for them and their importance in your life. But, they're old enough to understand that you need love, want love, can love. They're also old enough to have this be an awesome example of how you can live life and love and forge your own path and make decisions that are right for you.

So, yeah, if you and the guy want to make a go of it and are cognizant of the challenges that may come from an age gap, then go for it. The rewards of the love and a relationship are huge.

Best wishes with this!

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

There's no way around a 3x year old woman being horny as heck and that aligns with his age quite well. That's nature, you get that. You can still make offspring... note to self.

Attraction is not just physical, it's sub conscious. Understanding what makes you click could help understand if this is a good idea long term. That is really hard when you are both "jacked up" on mating hormones. Try to understand his childhood and see how it aligns to you/yours... is he like your father, like your mother, is it trauma bonding under the hood? Is he the opposite of your X. That's important, you just went through the "ringer" if you haven't dealt with all that mess, you don't want a repeat.

I think that age gap could work for a long time, if he's the right kinda person. If he's just looking for an outlet... like most rock stars... then your answer is no, this isn't long term. What's he want?

Probably heartache down the road, that's how it goes. As well, you are "recently divorced"... after like 15yrs married or more... I'd say no to this, you aren't emotionally ready for relationship be my guess. But your hormones shouldn't listen to me, they have a clock ticking...

Avicenna · Answer

If you were childless and didn't have teenage daughters, I'd say go for it if you're compatible and see where it goes while understanding it's probably only going to be a fling or something non-exclusive since a guy his age probably isn't going to commit long term to a woman that much older than him.

But since you have teenage daughters, I find it extremely unlikely that he'd be interested in you for anything other than sex. He has access to all sorts of young women through his university, so why date a 39-year-old single mom? Makes no sense. You may also want to keep him away from your daughters, just in case.

Bethany22 · Answer

Once he starts making money with his grad degree, he's going to start pursuing your daughters if they're at least as pretty as you. I think you should keep an open relationship so that you don't cut off your chances completely.

Guy13 · Answer

That’s young. At 20-22, I got “trained” by a 42 old Nurse at a step-down hospital where I was working. She took to the nickname Mommie Dearest…. Never got super serious besides her giving me Student things and not money…. Good luck 🍀

Datboi65 · Answer

Take it from a 20 year old, it's not gonna go anywhere.

I'm gonna be honest. As harsh as it may sound, lot of men in their 20s do not take relationships with older women seriously, and some even have ulterior motives. He is in grad school right now, so I have a question. Does he have a job? Who pays on dates? What about his debt?

See, you said you were established in your career and you thought he was attractive. Worst case scenario, he could be the tinder swindler type of dude (you would be surprised how common that is) and best case scenario you find your potential husband. All I'm saying is, keep an eye open.

Now that we got that out of the way, let's talk about something else. You expressed your interest in wanting to have more kids in the future. It costs a minimum of 250k USD to raise a child in the United States and you already have 2, so have you saved up enough for your retirement and their college fees, or are you planning on making them take student loans? Do you plan on letting him move in, or purchase his own property and allow you to move in with your kids? If he has a job already, does he have a 401k? How is his financial literacy and credit score? These are all very important.

Also, at 39 you are getting closer and closer to menopause, so it possesses a high risk pregnancy. This potentially increases the likelihood of aneuploidy genetic disorders (an extra chromosome in an infant's karyotype) like Down Syndrome for example. If you want to proceed to have a child at this age, you can consult an Ob/gyn and recieve all the information you need to make an informed decision.

These are all the potential risks I wanted to point out. I don't mean to be negative, but I tried to set a more realistic picture and you can make your own decision.

All the best 👍🏾

JordynJayne · Answer

I’m 24, married to a 34 year old man.
Was it wrong to do that? No.
However, the challenges we have faced because of the age gap, were some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced. Some easily worked through, some where I wanted to scream and 51/50 myself. I was a business owner, and he was an iron worker. Our biggest challenges have been mainly surrounded by the fact that he’s gotten insecure/intimidated with the way I see certain things, and how I haven’t liked how burnt out he’s been at only 34. We both come from two different backgrounds. It’s been years trying to fully understand each other. With enough communication, and timing anything can work.
I say it try it out, the worse that will happen is you or him just see no future ahead, which is okay. Have the fun, have the experience, at the end of the night it’s a good story to tell whether good or bad.

misfittoy · Answer

you are both consenting adults. think about for a few minutes, it is this more then just sex? what do we have in common? movies, hobbies, stuff like that. what are both of our longterm goals, are they similar? life is short, only you in the end know what you want to do, we can't tell you, we can only offer some sort of valid points. he seems to have his life in order at 25. the two of you should go out and have a long talk about it and see where both of your thoughts are bring up the samthings you posted here. from what you describe it looks promising. you can't worry about the future all you can do is live in the present. if you both love each other, treat each other well, get along, all you can do is give it a chance.

best wishes to you

Weapon77 · Answer

Bad idea or not depends on a lot of factors. But the main thing to consider is that for him, he probably won't want a long-term relationship with you. There is always a chance, but almost no guy in his twenties wants to lose chances with girls his age for the foreseeable future for an older woman he hooked up with once. And unless he's said otherwise to you, he hooked up with you BECAUSE he never saw you as a long-term option. Something big would have to change that. It seems like even if you did start dating, he would eventually break your heart because he wanted to date girls his age. He might not think that now, but he likely will after a year or so.

Of course, I'm going off VERY limited information, and I don't really know anything about how he feels, so it's hard to say. Also be careful if he is still in college or makes less money than you because there's always the chance he'd try to use you as a sugar mama.

Sarahr123 · Answer

Having read most of the comments which are very interesting and I will come back to read more when I have the time, my advice would be that if you want to do it then do it since life is so short and you can have a couple more kids before you turn 45 if that is something you really want but then if you have concerns of it breaking down when you’re 50 or 60 then if that is something you can accept (the possibility of it not being forever) then sure go ahead. There is always a possibility that the relationship will not last even if the boy were ten years older than you but if you’re enjoying it while it lasts then why not? See where it goes and keep the communication open.

DaySpring · Answer

Your whole problem is a vision problem. You are concerned that your visions will not be in harmony one day.  Why don't you sit down with him and tell him your concerns? Honestly, I have no doubt that he will be attracted to you in 10 years.  However, maybe you should ask him what he would do in the case he did not find you attractive anymore. Then you'll know what will possibly happen.  I know there is no way to know for sure because in 10 years -20 years he will be a different person.  My only concern is  whether he would make this same decision if he was emotionally detached from the situation.  But I have no clue what he wants in his life.  Look... No matter what guy you choose... They could leave.  Don't tip toe through your life hoping to make it safely to death...

OpenClose · Answer

If he seems like a good guy and is into you, go for it!

Especially if he seems ok with the kids. TBH I'm less interested in women with kids. Since I haven't had, you know, my first time yet, it seems like all the responsibility without everything that would have built to it. Sort of like life going drastically out of order.

Don't worry about the age gap. That has less to do with what you should or shouldn't do, and more to do with attraction. So if the attraction is there, you're already past the point you would need to worry about it.

Just probably don't get too caught up on it becoming a lifelong thing. Since you're at different points of your lives, your needs and desires will probably switch around in the coming decade. Let it be its own thing now, and just see where it goes.

Anonymous · Answer

If there are no external factors interfering in your relationship and you are both up front and honest I see a very fulfilling relationship ahead. Nothing is guaranteed and no matter what age difference there is or isn't couples part.

Age is really going to be the least of your problems.

We already know the sex is amazing and you appreciate his youth he your confidence and experience and just womanness.

As long as there isn't lying cheating and all the other reasons you shouldn't be with him enjoy. It's a very compatible gap woman to man wise.

Gloree · Answer

You're looking for people to validate your selfish decision.

the age gap is too much. what is wrong with you? u will regret this because someone's reasoning at 25 is different from 35. Don't do it.. I can't stand guys who are younger than me. I've always preferred older ones.

Older guys are so mature in character and of course finance. You get away with many things and they will barely get angry but these other young guys so impatient.

I'm with someone slightly older than me which is perfect. I'm not judging you but I don't like this age gap thing is too long. Don't do it but if you do, don't be heartbroken when trouble comes.

Malgaran · Answer

My ex was 20 years older than me, but much more immature, age doesn't define anything when it comes to age that way. 14 years in my opinion is not that bad. Many people I known over the years who have had successful relationship have often had a 10 year difference.

mobiusforniner · Answer

It won't last. Most men want to feel as the protector. Your maturity will make him feel subordinate. As soon as he finds a younger women, he will pursue her instead.

I dont want to agree with Bethany22, but she brings up an interesting observation about your teenage daughters. Hot guy? Amazing body? I want to assume noble intent here and sure, I dont know brad, but as soon as your daughters hit 18, I think any attractive guy will enjoy the younger womans attention.

Faith18letsgo · Answer

I don’t think your wrong that people at your daughters school will look at you sideways. Your right about it becoming more of an issue as you both get older. But every relationship has its challenges and these seem like manageable ones and your relationship seems well worth the work.

serious · Answer

Well, you both are legally adults so nothing wrong and it is not a bad idea either. However, ensure that you are sure that you are highly compatible with him. Yes the age is wide so there will be some difference in maturity levels and understanding things and even needs wise.

Ensure that you have thought about all this.

anon1903 · Answer

I say you go for it. If you know his feelings are strong, they'd probably not change over time. You don't love people's bodies, you love their souls, and if he loves yours, he's perfect! You may wanna check up with your children though. From what I've been reading, I think he's very much into you. Oh, and it's a myth that younger people have commitment issues. Some do, some don't. Don't let stupid myths hold you back! Xx

es20490446e · Answer

You shall see if you want the same, by openly talking about it. That's all what matters, that you TRULY want the same.

Also keep in mind that fertility beyond 40 decays rapidly. I know of a case where two people were having sex for 9 months mostly daily, and had no children at that age.

So if you want children, the deal shall include having it soon. But at least a year after being together in the same house.

Spiritofn · Answer

"the world never stops turning"

Your own actions will reflect the choice you make.

People will dissaprove if you date an asshole your age.

People will dissaprove if a man don't make enough money

You get the picture, the only thing I may suggest if he isn't trying his ass off for you 4get it. "That's an age gap"

But imagine the world went to shit tonight and the last Mann you seen was 20 years younger.. & vice versa...

Sixgunsound · Answer

It’s unfortunate how common men who date single mothers of daughters are more interested in the daughter. Not that there is any objective reason to suspect that from what you have written, but we live in a messed up world.

I've developed strong feelings for a guy 14 years younger I was with casually. Is getting in a committed relationship with him a good (or bad) idea?

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I've developed strong feelings for a guy 14 years younger I was with casually. Is getting in a committed relationship with him a good (or bad) idea?

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