So me and this guy have been talking. Lately he has been super wishy washy. He told me yesterday he would call me and he never did. He still hasn’t answered my texts. He did tell me he was scared of getting into another relationship, but in the beginning he told me he wanted a relationship , he got me flowers on my birthday etc. we also had a really good first date. I do enjoy his company a lot and I do understand why he may be scared to get into a relationship after the abusive relationship he has been through. He admitted he was scared to get into one and seems to be very avoidant because of it. I’m not sure if i should just cut my losses or let him know that I want to take a step back and if something comes out of it, it can. Thoughts?
Should I friendzone this guy and see where things go or cut my losses?
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I think that at the end of the day, as long as you're up-front with this guy about exactly what you're doing and your thinking behind it... There's no problem with doing either.
It's not ok to just "friendzone" him without explaining what you really mean (this is not a regular case of "friendzoning").
If your interest in him is still in a romantic way, but his behavior makes you want to take a step back, that's cool, as long as he knows where he stands, and that you're still hoping for the possibility of something happening at a later date if he gets his shit together. Otherwise there's no point in friendzoning him unless you genuinely want just his friendship.
I agree for sure. He hasn’t contacted me. Should I wait for him to contact and drop that idea or should I just message him? I try to be a very upfront person and honestly am getting annoyed with waiting around - but I do feel like at one point things were happening pretty fast , kind of his fault but again trying to be open minded.
I think you can go either way. Whichever you prefer. It's great to be upfront and honest. That's the way to go for pretty much every situation in my opinion. So, if you're annoyed and want to initiate the talk, that's totally fine. If you're not in any rush to inform him of what's happening, go ahead and wait for him to contact you.
I think that you're best to tell him as much as you can about where you're coming from. Tell him about "things happening pretty fast" at one point, and how you feel about it, and the whole thing. Just give the dude as complete a window into where you're coming from as possible. That'll give you the best chance of actually maybe making something happen down-the-road.
Because... it sounds like you're still totally open to trying something, if he get his shit together. It's best that he understands that's the situation.
@stevesmith1985 I totally am open, I just want to address his feelings too because I know women pushing a relationship onto a man can totally push him away even if it’s what he wants. Right now he isn’t totally giving me what I want to begin with so the fact that I would consider a relationship with him at the moment is ridiculous. We haven’t done anything sexual and he hasn’t really pushed that onto me either- so I don’t really have much issue with him. Maybe I’ll give it a couple of days?
I have to say... the first thing you said there... is just wrong. If a guy wants a relationship, there is no such thing as "pushing him" into it. That's simply not true. If a guy wants a relationship... and you do too... then good! Nobody's possibly scaring anybody off by being over-eager.
If a guy isn't sure about a relationship, THEN it's possible to push a guy away by being too pushy with the relationship stuff.
I think your position here, is... exceptionally reasonable. I think that this guy is extremely lucky that you're willing to give him the 'extended chance' you're giving him. Most guys don't get that. Usually you'd say "fuck this I'm done" and that would be that. There would be none of this "well... maybe he needs a little more time" stuff. Not when he's acting this flakey. So I can understand for sure that he's not giving you what you'd need to consider a relationship. He's just lucky you're willing to be as patient as you're being.
That's partly why it's so important that you thoroughly explain where exactly you're coming from. Because you are coming from a unique position here. This... isn't "a thing" people do. But I see no harm whatsoever in you doing it. I think it's good if you feel like there's still possibly potential there. I think it's an excellent sign that he hasn't pushed anything on you sexually if he's not gonna back that up by being less... wishy washy. To me, that says good things about a dude.
You can absolutely give it a couple of days if that's what you want to do. No problem at all. I see no reason you need to do it until you feel like it's the right time. You're in control here. You're making a decision that he's not able to be in a relationship with you right now (even if he wants to be). So in that sense, you're "dumping him". But not really, you're more like "putting everything on hold for a while in hopes that he becomes ready."
The most important thing though, is to not end up settling for less than you know you deserve. So if this dude doesn't get things together in a reasonable time... you need to move on. (and be upfront about all that too.) You can give him a second chance... but don't end up "waiting" for him to change. That's some bullshit.
Should I say that I wasn’t a fan that he left me with no call yesterday even though he said he would? Tbh when he said he would call me , he seemed like he was drunk texting but he never got back to me today about it which is offensive. I don’t mind not texting everyday, but at one point me and him were texting daily so the inconsistency is kind of just like eh. I was on vacation this past week and yesterday when he said he would call me, he also thought I was still on vacation, so I don't know if he was just not texting me that much because I was on vacation or what not, but the inconsistency is throwing me off
Yes, I think you should say something. Because it's something that's bothering you.
But... Is this as part of the overall "friendzoning" discussion? Because it makes sense to mention it as "one of the things that illustrates one of the things that he'd need to change."
However, make sure it's in that context. And make sure you hope he gets better with that... NOW. Because he'll be a bit confused when he gets friendzoned but also told to text more (unless you do all the explaining of where you're coming from that we talked about).
Generally though, I think the more "open and honest" the better. The more complete and accurate a picture of what's going on in your head that you're able to show him, the better. So if something is on your mind (like this texting thing), then I think you shouldn't hesitate to bring it up. Do mind how you bring it up. But don't avoid any topic if it's on your mind.
cut your loss