Should I date someone I love but am not in love with?

Question

I love and adore a guy for who he is. He the sweetest guy ever and has one of the best personalities I ever seen. However, I do not get butterflies when I see him. I don't have the funnest, best time of my life when I hangout with him. I love him but I am not "in love" with him. I don't feel passion but I really do love him. I care deeply for him. My dating life hadn't been very good so far. While I"m almost 30 years old, I have never had a boyfriend mainly due to the fact that I simply can't find a funny humorous witty man. But even if I do meet a funny humorous man who can give me the happiest time of my life, it does not mean that I will love him. Love is different from passion. Love is caring deeply about someone else. Passion is just about the experience.

should I just settle for someone I love but am not in love with?

WanderingLoveWizard · Accepted Answer

Yes, you should be with him.

There's no such thing as "in love". That's just the short lived feeling of infatuation and lust, which will inevitably wear off and leave you stuck with someone you don't truly love. Also a big reason why so many girls end up saying, "Why can't I just find the right guy?"
Because you keep falling for guys you think you love, but really you're just enamoured with, and you quickly find out he's actually a dick who doesn't care about you either.

mobiusforniner · Accepted Answer

Honestly the "in love" thing fades. Im married for ten years. Love is no longer butterflies in your stomach. Love is cleaning the wall and carpets when your spouse gets food poisoning and shit blasts before making it to the toilet. Its crying and holding each other when youve lost your pregnancy through miscarriage. Its staying up all night to care for a crying baby so mommy can sleep. And still go to work the next day.

If he's a man who can do this, he is worth keeping.

DaveJord · Answer

Tough question... no right answer. I dated women because they were really good to me and I loved them for that. On the other hand, I knew there were some serious distractors that long term would not work out. But yes, I dated then and had as much fun as possible for as long as I could.

At 46 I just want someone I can love and treats me with dignity and respect. If you have that I would not under value, it. But if you cannot be truly happy with this person, then you are only hurting them, eventually they will figure it out and feel betrayed.

Some of the hottest and sexiest women I have ever dated, always were the most passionate of lovers. They lite my fires... but they treated me like shit. At 46, I want someone I can love and treats me good, and the passion a sex I can work out for myself.

For you I cannot tell you what is best, you have to figure that out for yourself... but at 46 I think back to some of the choices I made at 30 and say to myself, "How fucking naive you were." I am 46 divorced and single and struggling to find a good person to share my life with. So, until you figure that out for yourself there is no good advice to give you.

But if you love them do not, hurt them. Don't stay with someone that does not really and truly make you happy. You will always regret that, and it does more harm than good to them.

Guy13 · Answer

To date one with the intention of obtaining the "loving feeling" knowing that one does not possess this feeling in the present seems dishonest, however, if one respects (love) this guy and their Worldviews are close to exactly Same then it could be a good thing. It depends on one's priorities as an individual and group person. I know plenty of arranged marriage where, "I date someone I/Family respect but am not in "butterfly' love with", this question perspective worked out quite well.

If you think life, love, kindness, and relationship runs off of Self knowing butterflies in stomach or "loving feeling", rather than Freedom of the Will, then I would not do it. If "you" are one of these always have options without a sense of "Stuck for Life" commitment then probably not a good fit for you... as there will always be "options" whether one know possesses butterflies or not. One like this is probably too self-absorbed in fantastic worldview to be much use to anyone in relationship.

If there is an ounce of Reality in you both, recognition that all things are Work and all things require Will or Drive to achieve, and an intent to grow together rather than apart when difficult times arise then maybe it will work for you.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes... look, the "in love" bit is really something that only exists during the "honeymoon period" for most couples, after that it is work and commitment, but generally worth it. The "honeymoon period" GENERALLY lasts 6-18 months and is why lot of marriages happen within this time frame. Immediately after the wedding this can be reset, but it will fade away, and if the couple is not aware of the fact that a relationship will not always be easy and can be work, they will feel like something is wrong in that time frame. IF they do not understand this, the marriage will fail within 18 months and divorce will inevitably, eventually follow... though this may take time as people hang on and courts take time.

If you've found someone who is mature, serious, makes you laugh, you find moderately attractive (physical beauty is not permanent), hard working, and who is ethical... and you generally enjoy their company, then you've got it, don't throw it away. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth *burp*

ShiftingMonke · Answer

I think you should hold out. Unrequited love is a silent killer, because it does nothing to the body but withers the soul. At best, it will lead to bitterness and mistrust and at worst, depression or suicide. I'm not claiming it's your responsibility to solve it, but if you cannot be 100% for this man, this good man, then you are taking from him that which he likely seeks above all else. Let him find another woman to dedicate his life to, and that will let you find someone who is exactly what you want in that moment. It's the most fair thing for all parties involved.

lightbulb27 · Answer

yes, but you'll probably disappoint yourself because you don't know how awful the other guys are, and thus, you may not value this guy as much. If he makes you feel bad inside, that's another topic.

It may be good to go and date some real horrible males after this one, aggressive type A's that are bossy, abusive,... then you know how that feels. My guess is, you grew up with some of that, and that is what is attractive.

Early life female hormones often gravitate to "difficult males", rather than nice ones.

prensesmishka · Answer

There are many different conditions that are very important in relationships such as love, getting along well, respecting each other, understanding each other, health communication and many more. There's no obligation to fall in love, once you find the right person that fits you, that’s a good chance you even have these factors.

Xoxocutekitty · Answer

I would date him and I would also realistically ask yourself if you bring 'witty humorous super funny' into the relationship.

I personally think humor can be a symptom of compatibility. If you spend a lot of time together and genuinely respect each other as good friends, the humor will come.

Quite often, the "funny guy" is less mature (than you). It's a matter of whether you want to be the mature one in the relationship, or maybe the one who is 'taken care of.'

NewYorkCity · Answer

True love exists only in Hollywood movies and Disney cartoons, time to grow up and face the reality for what it Really is. There are no perfect men or women, because even a perfect men or women still wouldn't be enough for people eventually (human corrupt nature).

AdithyaR · Answer

So from what I've read, you do seem happy with him and care about him. I've read of couples who started like that and later end up falling for each other over time.
The only thing I advice is to be honest and communicate your feelings with him and let him voice his as well before starting. Make sure you're on the same page.

Anonymous · Answer

have you been in love before? And did you like that? :D I know some who hated it, and rather just wanted the love, but many of course want to feel in love with the one they date/get into a relationship with.

I don't see anything wrong with either, as long as you do not lie to your partner. Personally I would rather want someone who is into me as a person/my personality over someone who says they have feelings, but cannot really explain why.

cryscrys1 · Answer

You have to stop watching Netflix and come back to our plane (planet). Don’t wait too long tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Don’t trust butterflies too much they poop on flowers and people et it

WellGreetingsISay · Answer

You can date someone you're not in love with
Maybe it takes time for you to fall in love with them or it may never happen
You don't have to stay with them and you can find someone else if it doesn't work out

Anemone978 · Answer

No you will just waste each others time... just think would you want someone to do that to you...

MrCommodore · Answer

Its better to find a person you are in love with.

AydenHazor · Answer

Love is more important than being in love, but if you feel like you need the passion of being in love, don't settle. You can maintain a loving and supporting friendship without having to make it romantic in nature

LiamJHayden · Answer

"In love with" is usually emotional. "Love" is deeper. Even though the former seems more exciting initially, you have a better chance of long term with the latter.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

Let me let you in on a secret; the butterflies come from uncertainty. Butterflies are not a good thing. Loving someone is a choice.

Truthatanycost · Answer

Luke 6:31 'And as you desire that men should do to you, do likewise to them.'

Mayo503 · Answer

Wow…. That’s a hard one …. What if you met someone and you fall for them would you leave the one for them…? Mmm….  What you say on that?

RavVid · Answer

You will not be in love after say 5 years. It doesn't last that long. But you may still love him.

Should I date someone I love but am not in love with?

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