Long distance boyfriend doesn’t want to get married yet, should I leave?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been dating for a while, and I’m getting tired of long distance. We’ve talked about marriage for a while and he says he wants to get married, but not yet. Our leases are up at different times, so no matter when he does decide it’s gonna be hard. He wants to wait until his lease is up in 9 months, I would like to do it when my lease is up in 3 months. I would hate to get a new lease, then have to be stuck in long distance for another year.

I’ve already been unhappy with the distance for a while now but the only thing that’s been keeping me is the thought that it won’t be long distance for long, but it seems like it will be. He says he wants to marry me, so i don’t know why he wants to wait. Long distance is hard, it doesn’t feel like a real relationship, and I can’t do it for much longer. Not 9 months, not 12 months.

[quaranta]

I think expecting a marriage before living together for some years is very risky, practically like gambling. You can live together for a while like if you are married but without the legal constraint, so that when your daily life is settled and you noticed it works well (like after a couple of years) then you will know how the "forever" with him will be. Plenty of couples divorcing or even worse, having kids before testing their relationship in the long term. It's not about "love" only, it's about seeing your partner in a circumstance you didn't see before, and we are all different when put in different circumstances.
So if he doesn't want to get married yet, but is available to live together, I think it could be a safe compromise for you, with its advantages.

While if you really want to gambe with that and want to marry him as fast as possible with no compromise, then you have to talk about this and you have to require a definitive answer, putting it as a dealbreaker, with a deadline. If he breaks the deal, you will have to leave, to be able to find a compatible man who is willing to get married that fast as well. Probably some much older men would, I noticed divorced people from much older generations re-marry faster, same is people from non-western countries.

[Asker]

I understand. Him and I are both strong Christian’s, we don’t want to live together before marriage

[WaterIsland]

Well first of all. Just logically, unless one of you signs a month to month lease, you’re always gonna have the timing problem of when leases end. That problem doesn’t sound specific to now.


I do question how much time you’ve spent together in person before jumping into this marriage. Healthy relationships require a LOT of physical time together to ensure compatibility. Jumping into a marriage without a lot of that in person time is a bad bad bad idea.


Let’s play a hypothetical tho. You get married when you want. What happens then? Are you moving to his city into his place? If so, why can’t you move in together before you get married?

[Asker]

We’re both strong Christian’s and don’t want to live together unless married

[WaterIsland]

Got it. Here is what I’d say tho. It seems like you’re viewing marriage as just a requirement that must be met. You’re in a long distance relationship now. How do you know you’re right for each other? How do you truly know if you’re compatible? What happens if you get married, move in together, and realize he’s different in person?

Relationships take time. And one step on the path towards marriage is spending a LOT of time in person together.

I’m not advocating to move in together before marriage since you don’t believe in that. I’m just advising to think about it logically for a second.

What if you were to sign a new lease and find an apartment or something in his city? That way you can be in a relationship and go on dates and spend time together. While taking it slower on the marriage piece of it.

[Guy13]

Long distance never works out. Why you wasting your life.

[In_Trance]

Long distance never works if you have no firm date or plan to have the distance end. Even then, it can be sketchy