I’ve never had had a healthy guy pursue me. How do I stop attracting only mentally ill men?

[Anonymous]

This might be shocking but I’m actually a very stable happy person. I practice meditation and journaling. I gone through therapy and came out very well rounded after lots of hard work to beat the depression and anxiety I used to struggle with.

I’m also very extroverted and social, I have a good amount of friends and love meeting new people. Despite this I only and I mean only attract mentally ill men. I understand that I my worst points I found insecure types attractive because of how easily attached and often needy they’d become. I realized later I just wanted to be needed and that attached-ness was obsession not love.

Even though I’m no longer attracted to those traits (or at least recognize that they’re not healthy) I still only attract depressed, suicidal men. Even worse I’ll meet generally very happy men who only found me once they’d enter a depression. I just don’t get it? I’ve only had 1 healthy man ever interested and somehow we never actually went out only stayed close friends till this day. I’ve never been a relationship for this same reason, these men are simply too ill date.

What can I do to to attract healthy non-ill men, I’ve done everything I can to better myself?

[SteveSmith1985]

It's not about doing things to better yourself. It's a matter of finding the kind of guys you want to date.

Who are the guys that YOU want? Why and how are you ending up talking to all of these depressed guys in the first place? Guys like that are unlikely to be the type to just up and approach you I would think. So where are you meeting these guys?

I think you're just kinda looking at it the from the wrong angle. You're looking at it as though you just need a different kind of guy to pursue you. But pursue them! You need to find a different place or method for who you end up talking to in the first place. You need to find the guys YOU are wanting to pursue you... and get talking to THOSE guys.

Girls like you, are only going to be pursued by guys like that, if you let them. It's as you said, you have this proclivity for being someone who is attracted to guys who are on the needy side. It's good that you've changed that. But there may still be more "sympathies" to a guy who is a little that way? Maybe? I don't know for sure, but that's my guess.

But if you've basically only had that experience in the past, and are more asking how to attract the right guys (you're all good on not accepting the wrong ones): Then... you don't have to do anything differently than you're already doing. You don't need to "better yourself" in hopes of attracting them. You're just talking to the wrong people.

You need to find the guys you want FIRST, then start talking to them. The attraction part will happen or it won't happen depending on whether a particular guy finds you attractive in looks and personality. But you don't really have to do any "work" or make any changes. (aside from who you're talking to. DO change that.) 🙂

[Asker]

I tend to talk to everyone which is the part throwing me off a bit. As I mentioned in very experimented but I'm also 18 and in highs school is that's where I meet mist of these guys considering it's odd to talk to strangers at the mall and such. I'd say I know a lot of people and some who are really good guys bit none of them are really attracted to me, they're just guys I speak to, if that makes sense?

[Asker]

Extroverted*

[SteveSmith1985]

Yep. That does make perfect sense. I was definitely not thinking high school. That actually changes everything... but also... doesn't change the essence of my advice.

Are there specific "healthy" guys that YOU are interested in?

[Asker]

Mostly kinds funny guys. They don't have to be super social or anything it athletic. The one thing Im not a big fan of is super popular types but overall someone funny and sweet.

[Asker]

kind*

[Asker]

I just realized, I'm not very bright. You meant as in guys I know. Maybe 1 or 2 I find cute not enough to approach them considered I don't know those 2 specifically that well.

[SteveSmith1985]

haha, no you seem quite bright. But you're right, I did mean the guys you know.

Because I don't think that you're best to look at how to attract guys of a certain type. That's really not usually a thing (aside from in the exact case you had... a girl who had a bunch of sad dudes falling in love with her all the time because you've got too big of a heart).

You are better to look at how to go about getting THAT particular guy you like to notice you.

Believe it or not, I can still navigate high school politics (at second-hand like this) if you'll explain who this guy is in relation to you. Please elaborate (a lot) on what you mean exactly by "I don't know those 2 specifically that well"?

Because I'll tell you... the plan is going to be... to GET you to SPECIFICALLY know at least one of those two guys well. But not in some sort of guns-blazing, approach him and ask him out stupidness... but to get him to be someone... you talk to... more than now... That would be your next steps. So it's up to you, but I can help you with the nitty-gritty of some ways to get the guy you do want to be a guy who you're talking to (as a friend... at first... as you said... you talk to everybody). And if so... details please.

Otherwise, I can leave you with that. You need to get talking to one of the guys YOU want to pursue. Become a part of his life.

[Asker]

The first one I've pretty much given up on, I was a little to forward at the beginning if the year and went up to him a lot. One day I freaked out and stopped talking to him at all because my friend was making fun if me for how I’d try to get his attention. After that it became very awkward and irreversible although we share mutual friends and speak occasionally.

Second guy I used to sit next to in my history class. He was really funny and although I only spoke to him a handful of times. On a good note he followed me on Instagram the other day and has been dming me a bit, usually just with funny pictures or jokes.

I’ll add a third guy into the mix just to see what I can get. 3rd guy is friends with all of my friends although I’ve personally never even spoken to him. All of my friends have said he’s exactly my type and we seem like we’d really click. Downside is he’s kind of straight laced and to himself so I can’t quiet just follow him on Instagram or go up to him like I usually would because he’s a much more standoffish

Thank you so much for your willingness to help!

[SteveSmith1985]

Oh no problem I hope I can be of some help:

My first question would be... do you REALLY not care which of these three guys we focus on here? Because I will certainly try and help you to take steps towards moving thing in the right direction with all three of these guys... really, you are best to make this a "focused attack." To go for the guy you truly want out of the three (if indeed there is one. If it truly doesn't matter which one... then ok... but you're a weirdo).

[SteveSmith1985]

The first guy: It sounds to me like you're not remembering this correctly (yea I know that's a bold thing to say for someone who wasn't there and doesn't know you. But I stand-by it. Tell me if I'm wrong though).

You weren't a little too forward. What happened was: You liked a guy and were spending lots of time with him (maybe he liked you too...). Your friend made you freak-out and you went all weird and suddenly stoped talking to him like you used to. Now things are awkward, although you share mutual friends and speak occasionally.

That is NOT irreversible!

That is totally reversable. Why is it awkward? Well how do you think that whole situation looked FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE.

So this girl is talking to him all the time. You're paying this guy loads of attention everyday, you're flirting, you're always wanting to be around, and all that good stuff. Well... you do realize he liked you too right? Otherwise he wouldn't have been ok with you "looking for attention" from him (which I assume is just you guys flirting and whatnot) enough for your friend to say what she said.

[SteveSmith1985]

So from his perspective... this girl he likes, who seems to like him back... who he's chilling with and flirting with all the time... suddenly, one day, starts acting TOTALLY different. Why would she do that? He has no freaking clue. All he knows is that this girl who clearly liked him back, suddenly decided she REALLY didn't like him anymore. That's hurtful and confusing for him. He doesn't know what the hell happened.

This is very reversable. But you would have to have the guts to simply explain to him what happened. Honestly. And that will clear the air enough to slowly start building up a connection again (might even happen very quickly depending). But you need to explain to him what the hell that was. Because honestly, you kinda should explain yourself to that guy at some point regardless. Put yourself in his shoes... if one day he suddenly started acting weird after being very interested... wouldn't you also not know how to act, or what to say? You're just hurt and confused.

Guy 2:

[SteveSmith1985]

Guy two is going to be the easiest of the three... because Guy two is falling into your lap here. You really don't need to take any real risks here... in fact, this guy might already be interested in you (maybe not, I can't say that at this point, but he's at least interested in you as a friend... and that's where you want to start anyway)

So with guy two it's really simple. He's texting you jokes and memes... just... engage back. Whether that's saying something in response to his joke or meme or whether you send HIM back your own jokes/memes... the important thing is that you start to make the engagement two-ways if it's not already. So this guy has added you to instagram and is DMing you. So he's reaching out here... he's making a move (at the very least a friendship on). But you are someone who he didn't used to talk to online, who added you and is now making an effort to open up the lines of communication with you. You need to show him that you want that too. You need to start sending HIM messages first. And you basically need to reciprocate the interest this guy is clearly showing for you (again, we're still operating on "friendship" here. That's your launching pad. Get to know him with no pressure, as "friends" and once he knows you... he sees how awesome you are... and falls in love with you. That's the plan anyway).

[SteveSmith1985]

So start making a clear and noticeable effort to reach out to this guy who is waiting for exactly that. You WANT him to notice that you enjoy talking to him. If you guys aren't really having conversations, see if you can get one going as you're responding to some joke or meme. Just respond to it, but then also ask him something else unrelated. Just... kinda... get talking. But showing interest back by starting conversations and seeming interested in what he's saying/sending are key.
Guy 2 is easy-picking for you.

Guy 3:

[SteveSmith1985]

Guy 3 is also not all that hard. Not at all. First of all, if he's friends with all your friends, and everyone is saying he's your type... USE THE HELP OF YOUR FRIENDS. That's obvious. You can easily get a few of those friends to help bring about a situation where you and this guy end up in a situation where you're going to be able to meet and talk casually, without having to make your interest known right away. Any form of get-together works. Just some place where you, and he are going to be in the same place. And then... just freaking talk to the guy! Simple as that. He's just some friend of a friend you're chattting with. nothing to be nervous about. It's all relaxed. But it'll give you a chance to get to see what he's about. See if you agree that he's your type. So you need to deal with him in real life, not online. At least at first. The instagram add isn't weird once you know him a bit in real life. He's friends with your friends. This one's easy. Get help from your friends. Get into a situation where you're going to have a chance to talk in a natural and organic way.

Honestly, all three of these are definitely doable for you. Only number 1 even takes any guts! The other two guys... you're already most-of-the-way there. Number two might even be interested in you already. If he's not... bet it won't be very hard for you to get him interested.

You're gonna be just fine in getting a non-mentally-ill guy. You just gotta be proactive about it. But any of these three are totally worth a shot.

[Asker]

You are really thorough and in-depth. I always assumed he didn’t like be back but looking back on it he may have! He’s really I guess my “main target” out of the list considering I’ve liked him the longest and have yet to fully get over him.

I’ll definitely update you on any developments with any of them. Thank you so much this is just about the best most specific advice I’ve ever gotten and I appreciate the time you took a out if your day to write all this for the rambling girl online. Once again thank you so much!!!

[SteveSmith1985]

You're quite welcome. So if it's guy 1. You need to have an open and honest talk. Which means you need to find your courage. But you just need to face it head-on, and honestly, once you're talking about why things got weird... you'll see that the conveversation is actually an easy one. It's the lifting off of a weight. Not the awkward talk you worry it might be. Things can go night-and-day different in terms of vibe once you clear the air. Right now it makes sense that it's awkward. It's in YOUR hands as to whether or not that changes. Good luck and I love helping the rambling girl online. That's what I'm on here for. Now you go get that guy. 🙂

[Jamie05rhs]

@SteveSmith1985 Great advice here about the 3 guys.

[SteveSmith1985]

@Jamie05rhs Thanks very much man

[Jamie05rhs]

You're welcome!

[Anonymous]

I think it's less a matter of what kind of men you're meeting, and more about where you're meeting them

Think about where you're meeting them and how those places relate to what kind of people generally go there, and even more so, what kind of people go there looking for love

[Asker]

I’m 18 and in school. I don’t usually seek guys I usually just tend to meet them at school or on instagram. I don’t tend to get approached in malls or such. At school it’s anyone so I’m define you in the vicinity of at least a few decent guys and online is a mixed bag.

[Asker]

definitely*

[Opinion Owner]

You're right, school negates that theory

[exitseven]

Stop hanging out at the crazy house. You need to stop being attracted to these guys. You may see them as projects for you to fix. It never ends well.

[slatyb]

You can't help attracting them. They are attracted to every woman who pays them the slightest attention. You don't have to date them.

[FilmGuy93]

Being able to set boundaries in relationships is super important in chasing away weirdos.
Mentally ill people are attracted to you because you aren't being firm enough with your boundaries.

[Greenbins]

Wow you sound very arrogant and self centered

[Asker]

How? Is it because I’m confident in the work I’ve done or better myself and helge I deserve a partner to treats me with respect?

[Greenbins]

You are making it sound like all men are beneath you and you are too good for men. You sound like you will never be satisfied with any guy

[Anonymous]

Look at the guys who are in your life and who you choose to date. Assess the traits that they have in common and start looking for people who don't have those traits.

[misogynistic_pig]

Healthy men don't chase women.

[Asker]

Yeah but they approach or at least signal interest. Mind you many if the semen didn't chase me down of something its just you meet somehow, click, and bam I realize, he's 10 seconds away from a ward stay.

[Asker]

I have no idea how I mistyped semen, I'm so sorry! Of* men*

[mark000h]

Have you asked your friends for advice?