I have been dating this guy for 8 months. When it comes to being romantic , communication, and planning dates, he is great at that. However, when it comes to handling his responsibilities/having a plan for the future it is not a strength of his.
He suffers from clinical depression and has bi polar disorder. He goes to therapy and is on medication. I didn’t know he had these challenges until being in a relationship with him and I was willing to stay and help him. However, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help himself.
I feel like I have more motivation for him than he has for himself. That worries me. I have tried talking to him about, helping him with his goals, etc but he still has the same bad habits.
His lack of motivation and terrible work ethic is making me see that he is not a good fit for me. I plan on breaking up with him but I want to be able to say all the things I just said , in a nice way, without causing him to go into a depressive episode. How do I say all of this, but in a nice way? Also, he cannot provide what I need from a long term partner, which is security and stability.
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Seriously, this has been my experience with many women... so it blows my mind to hear a woman wanting to care for and be with a guy like this.
All I can say is that women I have dated sound like this guy you are dating. And you are 100% right it truly has to come from within. I never been able to stay in relationship with someone like this. 6 to 8 months is the max they can maintain before the real crazy comes out.
Honestly, with these types is hard to say less... because you invest so much and really wanted the best. But that was before you truly realized the deeps of the problems. These types are usually very good at downplaying and hiding the true deeps of their issues. They are so great at the start, then slowly over time they drag into the turmiol of their lives in small little ways that turn into a landslide after 6 months.
So, when you break it off trust me there is so much you want to say... but none of it will really matter. The less you say the better but be clear that break it off clean. Leave no doubt that it is over, ripe it off like a band aid. The more you say, they will twist and use as a justification to support their own perspective. So, say less and end it.
Last women I broke it off with like this, I said this,
" I knew that you were in therapy and really trying to work out your issues... but for me it is all too much and too little. I strongly recommend that you stick with therapy, because I truly believe it is you only hope. But at this time, given where I am in my life... this will not work for me. I can no longer be in or maintain an intimate relationship with you. I wish you the best."
Thank you for your sharing, I really needed your suggestion! It’s funny you said normally these types of relationships don’t last long, because he himself has told me that this is the longest he has been in a relationship.
I did want to be with him at first because he really great at taking care with my love languages. My last ex, sucked at that and was emotionally not there so that’s why at first glance , he appeared more attractive. With men I feel like there’s no duality. I either find a guy who is responsible and about his business but he sucks with being emotionally available/ present or a find a guy who is romantic /can communicate, but sucks at being responsible. I hope to find a guy one day who has both those qualities.
These types of mental issue people are very good at seeking out the people they can date... or in some cases emotionally manipulate or take advantage of. That is why they love bomb so well but can't really maintain it long.
"I either find a guy who is responsible and about his business, but he sucks with being emotionally available/ present or a find a guy who is romantic /can communicate, but sucks at being responsible. "
This is the other problem I have with women as well... they want it all. They really appreciate the things you do for them, and really don't appreciate what you don't. "They want it all" and can not decide what's more important to them. So, the women are constantly at odds with their feelings.
Well for me as a man I just want to be with woman that makes me feel appreciated and valued, not only in words but in actions. I do not expect to ever find the "perfect woman" but at my age, I just want a good woman. One that values what I do for her, knowing I will never be able to do everything, because trust me, no woman will be able to do everything I would like for her to do... but I sure the hell will love and value her for all the things she does do for me.
But then she would have love me for the things I do, and not hold the things she expects against me... so that's the paradox.
A good man will settle for a good woman, even if she is not great. A woman will settle for a good man but expect greater of him, and then resent him when he does not live up to her expectations.
I hope you find a good woman, that appreciates you. I understand that no one can meet EVERY single expectation but they should be able to meet the bare minimum. For me the bare minimum is , if you want to be in a relationship you need to make time for that person. You can still be focus and build while allocating quality time and communication.
Say nothing.
Just start seeing him less and less and let the relationship die naturally. The less he sees you and interacts with you, the more he will be demotivated to continue.
It's sort of like what happens in "The (500) Days of Summer".
That’s an interesting response! I never thought of that; thanks for the suggestion.