How does one share a "shady past" with a potential romantic partner?

[Potteplante]

So, I'm entering the dating world for the first time ever. I just recently went to my first - first date. (Won't be a second one there).

I'm considering looking outside my friend circle this time which means someone who doesn't know my past.

"Shady" was the only word in English I could think of butI've never done anything criminal but my past could be viewed as immoral by many as it includes; drugs, high number of sexual partners, sleeping with married indivuals (I was a kid - they adults, so don't even), a short marriage and I know it will make some reject me. How do you share such things with someone - and when? I'd not want to blurt out details like that on a second or third date since that would include VERY personal shit as well. At the same time I don't want to "lead someone on" - knowing I'm a hard pass for some.

(I'm sorry if my English is a mess here - I did do my very best with my drained brain)

[MementoMori777]

I see you have a change of heart in life and considering you don't want to carry someone on shows you are being genuine and want a real answer so I will try and help you, I would say the best time is in the beginning somewhere, find an opportunity where you can make this the topic, so if he mentions if you've dated others, or how many psst relationships you've had, you hit them with the truth, tell them how many and then say you are going to be truthful so you don't carry them on if they don't like it but if you are genuine and tell them how much you regret it and speak to them of how you changed then maybe they most not get repulsed by it cause at the end of the day you being honest gives a good impression because honesty is the best way to start a relationship, when you find the person that accepts you, you didn't start a relationship with lies that always ends up falling apart or remaining people unhappy, you started with the truth and stomped on your past which will just get better from there if both of y'all remain on the same page.

[exitseven]

I have interacted with you a little and have always found you to be somebody who has put the past in the rear view mirror. Don't make this a big issue. Everybody has stuff in their past they wish they never did. They learned from it and put it behind them. You seem to have done just that. Don't make a big deal about it but don't shy away from it either.

[Potteplante]

I have put my past in the rear view mirror - but my past is a part of me. Everybody does have stuff in their past - that is true but that doesn't change that people have negative reactions to the fact that I for example was having inappropriate relations with adult men at 12 - like that is not a second or third date conversion and opens up a whole ass can of worms where I have to be comfortable about sharing. Because the negative reactions does hurt - even though I've moved on.

[exitseven]

@Potteplante I would take everything at face value. If you were nice and didn't let all this stuff define you I would never even give it s second thought.
When I was younger I dated a girl who I really fell hard for. It really was crazy. I was going through a lot of turmoil in my live and except for dating this girl, my life was basically shit. I let this shittiness define me. I was mired in all this and it spilled over onto every other aspect of my life. Looking back I was not much fun to be around and this girl ended up dumping me after a few months. I was angry for years afterwards but lookin g back I can see that it was probably my fault.

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO😎

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bring anything like that up until you're very serious and about to maybe be married.

[Sparkie460]

As far as I'm concerned, your "shady past" is your past. I've never asked a girl about her past when I was dating. I was only concerned about the present and the future. There may be a lot of other guys that feel the same way. I wouldn't even mention it unless the people in your past might hurt someone that you date

[Potteplante]

My "shady past" is a part of who I am today. It's the reason for my profession, it's the reason for volunteering activities - it has shaped my values, morals and opinions. I've no one in my past who'd hurt anyone but my past can still at times hurt me and I'd need someone understanding to deal with that with me. (Support me - I of course deal with my own traumas)

[Sparkie460]

If you feel the need to tell your partner about your past wait until things get more serious between the two of you. If he really does love you it won't matter to him.

[bowenw]

If you find it necessary to share you past, you could simply say you've done some things in your past you regret and see how they respond.

[Potteplante]

Of course I find it necessary to share once part with an indivual I'm interested in maybe sharing my life with - my past is a part of me, I'd not want to have to hide 7-8 years of my life. That is just not realistic thing to do. 😅

[Anonymous]

Real simple be honest. No, you don't have to blurt it out. But you do have to be honest when he asks or it comes off as You're hiding it. Besides there's no reason to hide it unless You're ashamed of it. Are you ashamed of it? And if that's the case maybe you need to come to terms with the the possibility that he's not the problem here.

[berisky23]

I was majorly involved and well known in my local area for similar stuff. If you want advise on how I managed and shared this in relationships/romantically feel free to message me.

[Xtendable]

If my partner brought that up, I’d understand and appreciate it’s her past, especially if she’s telling me she’s walking away from it

[mommymommymommy]

Most people are ok with a bad past, as long as you've apologized, and tried to better yourself

[Potteplante]

I've encountered many that are not ok with bad pasts - I've had MANY bad reactions towards it throughout the years and that was not even from people I was consider dating.

[LazerBean]

Just bite the bullet and say it however you can

[brandon1122]

Be honest in the beginning.

[Anonymous]

You don't. Your past is your business only.

[Potteplante]

My past is a part of me - I'm not going to be hiding 7-8 years of my life from someone I might be wanting to spend the rest of my life with.

[Reddy4it]

Tell them early…

[Potteplante]

I honestly don't want to be talking about my traumas with indivuals I barely know. I mean, I could casually tell them I was sleeping with adult men at the age of 12 - but that opens up the door for very personal issues and traumas. That's nothing you're dying to share on the first couple of dates.

[Reddy4it]

…good point…but maybe tell some of the less impacting stuff…