Is wanting kids or not a first date topic?

Question

If not on the first date, when should it be asked?

Twalli · Accepted Answer

It was after we decided that the relationship might work. It was during the second date. We knew that, if we clicked on everything, it would be the second one of many. I asked if she wanted to give birth. That was one of my absolutes. I will not get any girl pregnant, so if she want to give birth then it is with another boyfriend or donor sperm. I am not opposed to raising children, just fathering them. Premarital sex was another thing. I won't wait until marriage or engagement before we have sex. I won't wait more than 2 years. So I asked if she was waiting for marriage. I knew that it was too early in our relationship to have sex then, but if she was waiting until marriage then it was better to not continue. Those are probably my only two absolutes and I do this when we know that we want more dates than we've had. Since I only date friends, the first date isn't to get to know each other. We did that when we became friends. So my first date is to see if we have that spark. If I tried to date outside my friend group, it may happen later.

richardcory · Accepted Answer

I think its a topic to be discussed before getting on a path towards a long term relationship. Not all dates are intended for long term - lots of people just do fun-dates where there is no expectation of anything long term.

If there is a long term expectation, then children is a a critical topic.

That said, its not at all unusual for people to change their minds years later - and that can have terrible consequences for the relationship

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I don’t think it should be brought up in a first date.  Going on a date I think is stupid. How about go on hang outs. This means walk at a park. Walk in a supermarket. Go look at some fireworks. Go do some activities like bowling 🎳 or mini golf ⛳️ . Something that is physically and mentally engaging. Make a barbecue 🍗 together from start to finish. Some activity where no one has to pay for anyone. Because otherwise it’ll become stale and it’ll become an interview. You’re not gonna impress anyone of sexually arouse anyone by sitting at a table interrogating eachother. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ GO ON HANGOUTS!!!  Not dates with food!! How do you think people in the workplace fall in love with eachother. By actually engaging in activities with eachother!! In a date your literally turning eachother off!

Cynicaldreamer · Accepted Answer

For me that's a "pre date" topic.
Now before anyone downvotes me, hear me out-

For most people, having or not having kids is non-negotiable. Meaning you usually know where you stand on it.
So I usually warn a guy upfront, or, when I used to be on dating apps, I had on my profile, "NO KIDS."
This keeps someone that definitely wants kids from wasting his time on me, and vice versa.

How would you feel going out with someone, clicking, and thinking you have potential, only to later find out you both share opposed views on kids. Well that's time you could have invested in someone else.

So yeah, if not pre-date, it definitely needs to be brought up during the first few dates.

coachTanthony · Answer

If you are adamant about not having kids EVER then sure it's definitely discussable... why waste time.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Shouldn't be discussed directly, but you can ask, "What is your goal for what you want in your life ten years from now?"

provokeesmokee · Answer

Personally, it is for me.

I'm childfree and sterile, and I have zero interest in dating a parent-to-be. It's not something that can be compromised on.

I also talk 2SLGBTQ (I'm queer), politics (conservatives need not apply), and careers first date.

I don't see a point dating someone who doesn't align with me on those key things. It's a waste of both our time.

_Maya_ · Answer

Nope. Not a good idea for first date. That is something that can be discussed down the road. You don't even know at that point if there is going to be a second date so no point talking kids. There are so many more important things to find out about a person on a first date. Plus as I mentioned you don't even know if the date is going to end well or what the other person thinks about you. I would shelve that discussion for later.

Alli39 · Answer

Kind of depends on the "type" of date you're on. Like if you are clearly dating with intent of marriage and have clarified that with your potential partner then it can be, but if the date is somewhat casual in nature (even if you hope to start dating seriously in the future) it can kind of scare people off to talk about "big/important" topics on the first date. Depends on the other person too.

CaptainOverthink · Answer

I guess it would depend on at what stage you are searching for a partner.
Some people want a relationship but not for the long, long term but still want to not just hook up.
- Are you hoping to find that 'one' partner right now?
- Or, is that something you'd see yourself having later but not within say ~6 years?

EricSummer · Answer

When dating among people who have already been grown-ups for a while you can ask if the person has kids. All the women I asked this question added their plans unasked, for example that they have none, but still want to have kids.

Only one said "Yes, 12." I believed this to be a joke. Later it turned out she had a twelve-year-old daughter.

MikeTheBartender · Answer

I have a vasectomy so I generally try to bring it up as soon as possible if I meet a girl at a bar.. my on-line dating profile says don't want kids as well. Personal rule she has to know by the third date. It is extremely important to bring that shit up early.

Exterminatore · Answer

I think any topic that may be answered with a deal breaker of an answer is 1st date topic material. I’m not interested in wasting one cent more and not one minuet more only to find out 5 dates later this is not gonna work out.

Meanwhile I’m paying for $100 - $150 dollar dates and wasting my time on someone that it could never work with only to find that out 2 months in? Screw that. I want the ones who can’t make the cut out of the way ASAP.

ThatRandomOne · Answer

I'd like to know it from the get go. As well as parenting philosophy. Eg. Spanking or no spanking? that would determine if I want to see them again. Because a. I don't want kids. b. If I were to have, I sure as heck don't want anyone hitting them.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't really think if you are say in your early 20s on a first date, you should be signing up the other person for a subscription of marriage and kids day one--it might be seen as way too much. Just get to know the person and try to have a good time on the first date. If you are in your late 20s or 30+, time might be a-wasting, so I think it would probably be an okay question deep into the date to just say do you see yourself having kids.

jeffend888 · Answer

It is very much age dependent. If you are a couple of 17 year olds just going out on your first date, then no. It’s all in fun and you’re not going to know that each other exists in 10 years.

At your age, probably a good idea to broach that subject.

BigDog1989 · Answer

I think it just depends on what you want and where youa re in life. I don't want kids, or marriage, ever. I'm white.

But i'm also 34, and still without a girlfriend. I like a girl, who wants the same stuff as me, and she likes me back, we're just not really "together' yet

stepyo99 · Answer

Definitely a first date topic. I think all the important stuff should be brought up early on when dating to see if you're both on the same page, otherwise what's the point in continuing to date?

ArrowheadSW · Answer

In my opinion it is a bit too intense for a "first date" topic. A lot of the dates I go on are just fun dates anyway, with no real long-term intentions.

BCA6010 · Answer

There's less blunt ways of asking or finding out but yes, that's something that should be established early, or else one or both people are wasting their time.

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

I'd say third. Might as well at least get some good sex out of the way first. It it isn't good sex then it's probably not going to be a necessary conversation anyway.

Fireguy17 · Answer

no, that should wait a while. It is a good thing to discuss if you are getting serious about each other. You want 12 kids, she is unsure about even having 1 kid. That might be a pretty big issue.

whirled_up_girl · Answer

Well, even it it's not a topic for the first date it should probably be discussed early on, no sense to stay with someone long term if you both have different life goals.

ShesRad80 · Answer

sure why not? if you have been talking previously like texting or on the phone, could be part of one of those convos previous to going on an official date

Peter_Penetrator · Answer

Maybe ask if they already have kids. Women love to talk about them. Just don’t push too hard on asking about her kids. That could be a major red flag with mothers.

Nikki1989 · Answer

No, that is far too intrusive for a first date.

Jazzy54 · Answer

That conversation shouldn’t come up until you decide you want to be serious with that person. The first date should be casual and about getting to know each other.

Dargil · Answer

I always view a first date as a preliminary interview that will end in a Go or No. While a discussion of children is important, like sex itself, it can wait.

Smashingdoozy · Answer

It can be. If you're dating for a serious long term relationship then knowing if the other wants kids or not could be a deal breaker

Drumlin2001 · Answer

Yes. If I were ever single I would explain to any date that I have 2 kids and I'm not having any more (assuming my vasectomy was a success). No point wasting someone's time

Kingship · Answer

Weird question. Know each other more and that topic will naturally come up. Peace.

jshm2 · Answer

Depends how well the date is going. Also, if one is a single mom/dad, then it's a rather pointless topic.

Simslover92 · Answer

I think it certainly should be. You don't want to waste anyone's time.

magiusX26 · Answer

not a first date topic. it should be a topic just after you get to know each other enough to know if you mite possibly want to have something long term and before having any type of sex.

katiesmuff · Answer

Might be a bit early to bring up kids, hell the two of you don't even really know each other yet!

wishiwasfiction · Answer

Heck no, save it for when things start getting serious and both of you start thinking about forming a relationship

HelpfulWoman · Answer

first conversations. kids are a big commitment and it should be made clear asap their views on it.

slatyb · Answer

Definitely, of your goal in dating is to find a parent for your children.

Jersey2 · Answer

Two answers, divided by age: - In your teens through late 20s, NO - After your late 20s, YES

annabananna · Answer

I would not be turned off if a guy asked me that on a first date. However, I’d probably wait a few dates for me to bring it up if he hasn’t yet.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

Can be, yeah. It might even be a pre-date topic.

Grovermint · Answer

I don't see why not. Dating is usually a precursor to whether you want to pursue a relationship and to see potential for longevity.

Luopio27 · Answer

I dont see why it should be a problem. It should be a topic dealt with before few dates turn into an agreement of a relationship.

jahaims · Answer

That's fine to bring up. Details don't have to be hashed out. You can just ask if they want kids some day.

Unit1 · Answer

That's something I'd ask as early as "Are you smoking?". I do not want kids.

Anonymous · Answer

You shouldn't ask this. It's the first date. Instead on asking if she wants kids, see how she interacts with kids. Is she nice, kind to them? Does she roll her eyes and not have patience with them?

Vegasrunner · Answer

If you're talking about having kids on your first date you can bet it will be the last.

BarryLiverstone · Answer

Can be part of the screening process in the talking stage. But try to avoid it on the first date.

RavVid · Answer

Don't want to hear it till about 5 years on.

DaBiggestBird · Answer

No that’s for marriage.

gothbxtch · Answer

i think so, or at least first few dates.

DreamLife7 · Answer

No.. first dates should be fun and light hearted

Wise4myage · Answer

It shouldn't be in my opinion.

Anonymous · Answer

Depends Would be too pushy and fast

jimmy2 · Answer

No that will run off on one of them

sheikalana · Answer

Can be.

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