Is it possible to be unfit for dating?

[Anonymous]

If I had to rate myself on looks, I'm probably a 5. But that's not really the issue. I'm generally likeable, and I enjoy people pleasing if I can.

But I'm shallow, and prefer someone I'm attracted to. But if they're too attractive I'll self sabotage. If someone's too nice, I'll self sabotage. If they're mean or not my type, well, I won't stand for that either.

I have a low sense of self esteem. I'm not mean about anything I do, but I'll dismiss myself or say goodbye randomly without a ton of context. And yet, unfortunately, I still crave attention and to socialize because of human nature or whatever.

There's obviously a lot I could say but I'd like to not vent or rant terribly much.

[Anonymous]

First of all, preferring someone you’re attracted to is being shallow unless you by any means refuse to talk to any girl unless she looks just like what you want. Everyone has preferences in dating. It’s the people who are the most unattractive who have conditioned people to think having a preference is “shallow” because they want people to feel guilty for not choosing them.

[Asker]

I'm completely fine being friends with someone who isn't in my dating preferences.

And it kinda stemmed from someone I rejected who told me my preferences aren't valid for someone that looks like me.

To make things further complicated, she's my best friend, always in my ear on things.

[Asker]

That I need to lower my standards, or something.

[Opinion Owner]

You’re allowed to like what you like. She just sounds like a sore loser.

[Asker]

Well, she's forbidden me from speaking about her to people who don't know her, so I won't comment any further grumblings I may have.

However I do want to thank you for defining what's shallow and what's preference. I'll need to look into that.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Yes, it’s entirely possible to be unfit for dating. In your case, I’d say you need some serious therapy

[Asker]

You know, I've debated on that before. But that's a scary step, and costs money, and no one's really getting hurt besides myself if I don't, so I think there's no rush on it as long as I can remain kind to others.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Being outwardly kind and inwardly kind are two different things

[Asker]

My friends and family hype me up enough to alleviate the need for inward kindness. Is inward kindness even necessary?

Either way, appreciate you for taking the time to answer.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

If you hate yourself, it doesn’t matter how much others love you

[Asker]

And why is that?
It's not like it's every day...
Just a lot of the time.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Exactly, it’s still present. If you yourself make no effort to improve your own thoughts, outside influences won’t be able to change that either aside from just making you feel guilty for thinking about suicide and how you’re a bad person for it and just spiral deeper

[Asker]

I do block out compliments and positivity if they're directed at myself. I haven't quite hit that wall yet to where I want to stop living, but really the world would be perfectly fine without me if that happened later down the line, or even accidentally.

Thanks for your time, you don't have to keep replying to this, though, it just makes me feel bad, like your time is getting wasted. Take care, and be well.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You ask for advice and then reject it because you feel unworthy of it.

Get therapy, you clearly need it,

[LazerBean]

It's possible and actually not that uncommon.