How do I let go of the hope of being with someone?

Question

Iv spent all these years heart locked to someone I get nothing from. It's like Im in a relationship with her but never see her, speak to her or have even done anything with her.

Can someone please help me. It’s really affecting my health. Does anyone know how to remove someone from your heart? It’s like that one random connection I had affected me and I can’t move on.

Iv not found any women since. It's weird, like that women has been controlling my energy. Really crushing me. Affecting the way I move and do my thing. If I could find someone else maybe it would go away. But Iv seriously not met a single women since I was 25! Its like she cursed me for something. I don’t even know what.

I want to find love but this is really getting in my way. I think she might be hurt jealous because I never phoned her the day after she gave me her number? All those years ago. I don’t regret it because she is a slut. I don’t want that kind of women.

I just want to lay it to rest.

Can anyone work some magic for me?

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

I've had that, I've seen that with others. It's tough, and depends exactly... what is this love and how you got into it? When you understand yourself... what the "love" was, then you can get control of it and correct it. It's often screwed up.

Unrequitted love and fantasy love are probably the worse because our minds are so powerful. You'd have likely no "negative" to draw on to put it into perspective... you know how screwed up that other person is, how psycho, manipulative, flawed, etc they are? Of course not... they are perfected in your minds eye... and that's a lie.. they are human and flawed. So share more so I can give a more precise answer. be concise.

In short, I believe if you find out what this was all about in the first place... what draw you to them, did they manipulate and use you, etc.. then you get to the truth. Lies are what hold us and freeze us in place. when you find "value" and the truth, you are free because you learned and gained value and can move on.

So easy solution is to recognize the lies you told yourself and the ones they told you, to put truth into it, be thankfu for lessons learned and turn your mind/heart to what is new hope.

I don't think you want to kill memories... but you can put them into perspective so they lose their power.

Constatine · Accepted Answer

Please go to a specialist... They can provide you with good advice.

If you realy that heart locked you will never find other love because for you it wil be like cheating on the other.

And I'm sorry to say... " magic" will not solve this. I have been there. Not the same scenario but end result was the same.

My fiancée died.( and my unborn child) .. She was with me All the time.. Could not let her go and 10 years later looking at other women still felt like cheating. I went to a specialist.. And took me a long time to recover. But I did... And I think you can too..

Will you see a specialist? I don't lie. It will be tough and it will hurt you deep inside... But in the end you can be yourself again.. Take care

Biancam13 · Accepted Answer

I'm saying this in the best possible way and I wish the best for you; it sounds from your post like perhaps you should talk about these things in therapy. To get these thoughts out and figure out a solution. Or at least talk to a trusted and realistic friend or family member about this. I think it would help a ton. Therapy really helps with these kind of things, while being really supportive of you.

Like someone else said, you are living in a fantasy rather than reality. How is it gonna be a real relationship if you're not actually seeing her or being with her at all? To let the idea of her go, you need to come to terms with the fact that this version of her in your head is not a real person, it is not her. The real 'her' is a different woman. So you are with a person who doesn't exist, essentially.

And how much better would a real relationship be than being with a fake person? If you were to actually go out and find a real woman who you can see, talk to and touch? Surely that is much, much better than whatever's in your imagination.. There are many, many amazing women in the world. There is someone out there for you who is way better than this woman you are with in your head.

catarecute · Accepted Answer

i was in the same position. honestly if you truly love someone and they reject it, they are not a good person. dont listen to bullshit people say like "they dont owe you" or" move on""love is a two people thing" that stuff won't help you. i fell in love with someone years ago. people told me i was worthless unatractive a stalker that i wasn't as good as his girlfriend and horrible things like that. now he is the one stalking me and i have to hide in a hotel and wear a bullet proof jacket when i go out.

the world is full of unkind people and someone has to have a pure soul to appreciate true love.

now i know that his girlfriend isn't better than me. she probably is blonde and a bit younger but that isn't important in less than 60 years we will all be in our 80s and none of this will matter anymore. young people always think they are better than each other. its a complete illusion.

if i was you i would turn to god. thats what really helped me because god says to love one another and when i pray or read the bible i know i am not wrong for loving someone who doesn't apricate me. its a sign of a good soul and a pure heart.

AmandaYVR · Answer

Sounds like you might have a bit of messed up madonna-whore issue. You've been longing for this woman for over a decade, but you demean her by calling her a "slut" and you "don't want that kind of woman". There's no point saying us saying it's time to move on, you already know that. And, yes, the best way to get over her is to find someone else, but you've tried and no one compares. You've created yourself a gordian knot. Coach is right, therapy is advisable.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Hypothesis: You developed this fantasy because you are either uncomfortable or afraid of being in a real relationship, and having this fantasy gives you an excuse to not move forward with your life. You should be angry at yourself.

Get angry, and that energy may mobilize you to get off your ass and start looking for a real woman.

coachTanthony · Answer

Therapy brother... get some therapy. None of that of what you said is normal and certainly nobody on GAG will have any answers for that deep rooted stuff.

LaFemmeFatale_1 · Answer

Don’t let go of the hope…

Mimi_ox · Answer

I've recently had the exact same problem. I physically got sick from a heartache. But I had to put myself back on the market to get over it. Met some new people and just had good times to forget about him.
But if you must, just realize the reality of the situation, go full no contact, like take a break from social media like if you'll see her posts it could make you miss her more.
Give yourself new things to look forward to. It might sound corny and cliche but I wrote a bunch of positive affirmations and put them where I'll see them everyday lol I mean you're a guy so this may not be your thing but it works for everyone.
But it comes down to this. You deserve to be noticed by someone. Don't ever depend on someone else for your happiness. I've lived by this for the past year and haven't felt better about myself. Show her that you don't need her and you have your own life. If you ignore her just a bit, it could make her come crawling back. But that's not what you want? But just build your own confidence and live your life

FellowTraveler · Answer

The pain of being in a non-reciprocal relationship is worse than being singularly alone. You've always been alone, but with worse consequences in that the relationship is not symbiotic. Quite the contrary, it's parasitic. Zaps you of energy with no return, and further reinforces emotional protection mechanisms that will further prevent you from finding 'that special someone'.

YOU have to work MAGIC for yourself as NO ONE can do this for you but yourself. Step 1 - get out of this 'non-relationship'. extricate yourself fully and do not 'cave-in' by re-establishing NOR accept re-establishment of communication even if there wasn't any communication. Step 2 - go to a used book store, peruse the 'self-help' section. Step 3 - TIME will lessen the impact on your soul. Take that energy you devoted and utilize it to work on yourself singularly. Find a church group for like minded people, or any group that plans to discuss the precise position you find yourself in currently.

You've taken the first step by consulting here. Stay on that path and keep yourself whole.

ZackBan · Answer

I was in your shoes between the ages of 17 and 22. Exactly what you described.

Honestly the only thing that helped was getting with other women. I went on a bit of a spree at 22 and within 3 years have been with 15 different women including one girlfriend.

Not saying promiscuity is the answer but it is liberating to know you that the world is your oyster so to speak.

The girl I was into for 5 years is still in my life to a small extent (I see her every now and then in group gatherings) and I have absolutely 0 feelings towards her now other than a friendly appreciation.
I never knew it possible but here I am.

SueShe · Answer

I believe that you are in serious need of psychological help with your case. I am surprised you never even took the first step towards removing her from your mind since you think so little of her and yet you seem to cherish her.

Go seek the help you need and if you don't do it, that means that you don't want to be helped. I have the feeling that you want it to be the way it is for the rest of your life otherwise you would have taken the necessary steps a long time ago.

Be a man and react. Seek help if you think you cannot get out of this situation by yourself.

Screenwriter · Answer

Only YOU can work the magic. I suggest you see a psychiatrist to see if this is some long-ago trauma you're replaying. Then move on to a psychologist or counselor and go through Grief Therapy.

You have to mourn the loss of this person and mourn the loss of the time you've spent wasting your emotions on her. This is a very serious problem you're talking about. And there is NO MAGIC. This will take time. Likely months. But be consistent with your therapy, take medication if it's called for, and work through this pain.

You will learn some things about yourself and you'll also learn not to make a similar mistake again. THEN you can move on and learn how to find an appropriate partner, and healthy love. Good luck.

RingOfFire · Answer

This is an addiction to a fantasy, not a person. Men tend to want what is really hard or impossible to get. They are hunters, they are designed to crave the challenge. But there comes a point where you just have to take a deep breath, realize that it is the fantasy you are craving not the real relationship and move on. You have to ask yourself if you really want to spend the rest of your life pining away over a fantasy or take a chance on finding real happiness and love. Everyone faces this at some point in their life. You are not alone. Choose your destiny wisely and man up. You CAN do this successfully if you put the effort into it.

thatshydork · Answer

First thing you have to know is that nothing going to work right away. Now that we got that out of the way, some things you could do to forget this person are spending time with friends/family, playing video games, go outside and get some fresh air, exercise, and/or go see a movie.

Yannae · Answer

You listen to your head instead of your heart. That's why I never got in a situation like that. As soon as I see a red flag that can't be corrected, I'm out. I'm not going to stay. You need to come to terms with reality, which you did, BUT follow up on that. Act on that. Let Her Go... Anakin.

Act on it, everything about her, cut it away, pictures, texts, remove yourself entirely from her. See some therapy too.

Coming to terms with what's wrong takes strength, and you're definitely getting there, good on you. But recognizing what's wrong isn't enough. You have to commit, no matter how painful it may be now. It's for the best.

OddBeMe · Answer

Well I would imagine chances are giving up and going incel will be more detrimental to your health. You’ll have these feelings on top of anger and hate that incels have.

Seriously look into some strategies. I’m not gonna bs you on anything. But A) devoting tht much time to someone who doesn’t like you was fcking crazy.
B) just being depressed and sitting home alone ain’t gonna help you find no woman.
C ) It is a proven fact we all get pulled into ruts or bubbles. Going to the same places, taking the same routes. I would just try new things and see what happens. See who you meet.

Just my thoughts.

TalkWithoutSpeaking · Answer

You have to start realizing that your life is still your life. You're the driver in the car, so to speak. You have to realize that you cannot give other people the responsibility for your happiness.

devilish-cutie · Answer

If you donr want her cause you think she is a slut than it makes no sense to bother with her. There is no issue if your mind is set on no.

If you actually do want her than you should swollow your pride, admit your wrongs and put an effort w her.

HippoDino · Answer

Focus on your self, improve something about your life that you don't enjoy. By the time you have improved yourself you will most likely not think about her much at all, and then it will make dating easier because you no longer think of her and after improving your life you now have access to people that might not have given you a chance in the first place

molonski2 · Answer

I'm not sure there is a " magic " answer , its a tough situation , something you have to work though yourself , its a phycological issue , but you know just remember a slut will always remain a slut , and people only want women like that at certain times of the life cycle.

love_conquers_lust · Answer

Are you a cast away? Never seen an endurance hunter stalk their prey for years. What are you going to do when you finally catch her, rape her from all the pent up frustration?

You want to know the trick? She doesn’t owe you shit. Move on. She’s probably moved on from you. Ebb and flow, bud. Some black dudes I worked with had a saying for your affliction “That boy is under a pussy spell.” Say hi to another damn girl.

zagor · Answer

Sounds like a very unhealthy obsession. I had one over a woman that cost me a lot of wasted time in what should have been a prime part of life.

Seek help, medication, whatever it takes to move on. Every day you spend thinking about her is another day wasted from your life.

Vegasrunner · Answer

No one on her is going to tell you this so I will. You're pathetic, this is exactly why guys shouldn't put all their energy on one girl. You want to get over her, go book a flight to the most adventurous place you can afford and spend 5 days there Testing your limits. If You're doing everything right at some time in your trip u should be cheating death at which time I want you to stop and think of if this random girl is worth you wasting 12 years of your life over.

How do I let go of the hope of being with someone?

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