How do I let go of someone?

[Anonymous]

I'm asking this in regard to my ex-girlfriend. I met her 7 years ago when we were 14/15. We went to a thing called an Earthskills Rendezvous and met there. We bonded over being more reserved and awkward than the other teenagers present. After the five-day event ended, we exchanged email addresses. I didn't get a phone until I was 19.

After a few months, we started 'dating', but broke up after a couple of years. We didn't talk for a while, but eventually, I reached out to her on her birthday. Slowly, our relationship repaired, and several months later she asked me out again. Still entirely online. Anyway, around this time I started working 3 jobs to save up money to move out, and I decided, hey, I'm moving anyway- I'll move to her town. So I did.

That year, a lot happened. We got a lot closer and learned a lot of things. Then, about two months before we broke up, and everything spiraled. It was mostly my fault, looking back. Just a week over a year since I arrived, we broke up, and I returned to my previous state.

Stuff piled up after that, and I was kept busy. She was my closest friend for the last 7 years- my only friend for most of that time. I keep coming close to texting and emailing her because she said I could. I know I shouldn't. I understand this all must seem very emotionally immature for an adult, especially when compared to the real problems in the world, but I figured I'd utilize the internet and ask random strangers. Maybe one person might try to answer. Thank you, whoever does.

I go to college full time, I'm working out most days, I'm studying German, I'm learning chess, I watch over my nephews and nieces often, I do most of the work around the house, take care of my stepfather's farm animals, and I'm looking for a job, yet I still have time to remember her and hurt.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this, at around 26 I cut ties with a guy I’d been in and out of a relationship with since 16. When someone has been part of your life for so long and you’ve created all that history and experienced so many firsts, it’s incredibly hard letting go. But as you get older maybe what worked for you or her at one age doesn’t work at another, or maybe you’re like me and you just started growing apart and don’t align like you used to. The split is for the better basically, so just keep that in mind during this time. One day you will get over it but as of now you’ve spent more time together than you have apart so it’s rough. Stay busy, distracted. In your weak moments let yourself go through the motions without feeling bad about it then keep pushing forward. It gets easier eventually.

[Asker]

Everything you said, I can relate to. After so long, the history we made and the firsts we experienced, I feel lost. I'm really trying to persevere but she's been such an integral part of my life. It just hurts. What you've said does help. Thank you for the encouragement.

[Fwcheerios]

If it was your fault.. and you still think about her and miss her, then why not try again? Text her! How do u let go of a genuine connection like that. You’re letting so much time pass that she’s going to move on without u and you’ll forever be left with the “if only” and “what ifs”. What r u doing.. text her if u want to be with her! And apologize for your mistakes and tell her that you want to start over bc by the sound of it, you’re letting go of your person for no reason except distance. And that hasn’t stopped u before so..

[Asker]

In the post, I wanted to give context in the sense of how long we've known each other. I'm not letting her go because of distance, but because we weren't a compatible couple. I won't go into the details, but a lot happened before the breakup. I've known her for a third of my life, and she's been my closest friend all that time, but it wouldn't work out between us. Besides, as she told me, she's done. She's a good person, and I hope everything she's working for right now goes well. It's been over 8 months since we broke up, and I just want to stop remembering. All of that said, you almost convinced me.. but I think it's for the best that I didn't. Thank you for your opinion.

[Guy13]

No Contact rule.

Stay busy immersed in Work, Grieve, Gym, Grieve, meetup hobbies and interest and start focusing on other friendship. BUT grieve the death so that you can express lost and vision to be Chilled and Available (girl language) for next relationship or “for you…as it turns out.”

[Asker]

It's been 8 months, and I've tried staying busy. I grieved for the first few days, but I can't let myself get too emotional about it because then I'll do something stupid. I appreciate the advice though, and I'll try to implement it in a reasonable way. Thank you for your opinion.

[Sunssong]

Learn how to forgive and find something more interesting that your pain.

[Sorrento-Sun]

It may be more difficult to let go if you feel it's your fault , because you're left with so many regrets and maybe even guilt. You're left with the unanswered questions 'if only' and 'what if '.

Would you not reach out to her? It's sad to let a 7 year friendship end.

[Asker]

We talked about everything before I left, so there was some closure.. it's just hard to leave someone I've known for so long. I couldn't be her friend though, not after having dated her and seeing her that way. I also know I wouldn't be able to move on if I were to maintain contact. Assuming she even responded. Thank you for your opinion.

[Sorrento-Sun]

I can relate. I couldn't remain friends with someone I still loved either.. It would be too painful, especially if he met someone else

After a breakup, you feel a sense of loss. You go through a grieving process. Not only have you lost the person you thought you'd always be with, you've lost a future life together that you planned or envisioned. Rebuilding a future life without the person you wanted in your future is a daunting thought and difficult to process. There's a void in your life.

I think a lot of people fear falling in love again after a breakup because they never want to feel that sense of loss and pain again.