I'm a very good flirt (not in the sense of flirting with anyone for the sake of flirting, but flirting with somebody I'm interested in). I would say I know how to be in a healthy relationship. But it's like I don't know how to get from dating to a relationship unless the guy directly tells me he likes me (or asks if I like him).
I start overthinking and it's like my ability of direct communication disappears if the guy isn't direct either (even though I had no problem being direct prior to that), and partly it's because I've met so many different men (friends whose relationships I know or men I've dated) with such different needs that I just don't know how to go about certain things. E. g. if the last two men had a certain need around space or texting, I'll do that re third time, but the third one will have completely different needs around the same thing.
I'm starting to think the only way I can successfully go from dating to a relationship if I genuinely like the guy if I directly ask about every little thing. I will ask/talk about some important compatibility things (like values), but things that I'm generally flexible around, especially early on, are things I prefer to just see gradually as things develop. But it just doesn't seem to work for me 🙈
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I hear you, dating can be tough to navigate sometimes. It sounds like you've figured out what works for you in a relationship once you're actually together, but taking that next step is tricky without clear signals.
I think a lot of guys struggle with the same thing - we don't always know how to openly communicate our feelings right away. There's that fear of rejection or coming on too strong. And like you said, everyone has different styles too so it's hard to read the situation.
Maybe the key is slowly escalating physical intimacy while also having deep conversations to really connect on an emotional level. Then things like hand-holding, kissing goodbye after dates, etc start to hint that you both want more without having an awkward "define the relationship" talk.
Or if you find you're ready for that talk and want clarity, putting it out there honestly but also casually could help, like "hey I'm really enjoying spending time with you, where do you see this going?" Read their response and you'll have a better idea.
Just go at your own pace without stressing, and trust that things will progress naturally with the right person who's on the same page. Communication is key in the long run. You'll figure out what works!
Yeah, slowly progressing the physical intimacy would be a smart idea, but the problem is that
1. Regarding sex, I tend to move fast because I have a high libido, and purposely stopping myself from acting on it (stopping on my own accord) makes me frustrated and also makes me dim down any type of physical feelings I might have. And whenever I tried doing it, I just ended up not being able to bring them back up. If aan is the one who wants to go more slowly or just have sex less, it's less of a problem to do that. But also, sex is very important to me in a relationship, and not knowing if a guy and I are sexually compatible is a waste of time for me.
(It says my reply is too long, so I'll leave another comment)
2. Regarding other forms of physical intimacy, I do progress in that aspect more slowly, but it still doesn't change the problem I mentioned in the post. But also, it's not neccessarily slow slow. As soon as I know/feel I genuinely like the guy, I want to hold hands and hug at the end of the date. I leave the kissing or not up to him (and usually it's a kiss), and cuddling happens more gradually. That usually happens within the first couple of dates (the first only once, but because he initiated it and was also direct with communicating the liking part - we met irl though, not online, so we saw each other and talked before the first date). I feel like stopping this when I want to do it (again, stopping myself on my own accord, not of he doesn't react to it well) would also make me dim down my feelings and just create more trouble.
Actually, I just realized that in a way, when I was overthinking the most, so when there was most trouble and the least directness, it was when the second, third, etc. dates happened a month after the first one (LDR, or LDD I should say). And the least amount of it with the one I mentioned was direct and we held hands on the first date. Which makes me think I'm actually better with not going slowly, but I still need that directness.
(Lol, it needs a part 3)
But I also assume a lot of guys prefer going more slowly, and maybe run away if they fall too fast? Maybe I should just write a memo to myself that's easily accessible, where it says sth lile "don't overthink, write down what's bothering you, cut it down to a question or two, and ask them". It might help 😅 ofc, I'm still okay with the guy wanting to move more slowly, so maybe that's a question I should always ask not on the first date, but early enough. But I need him to be the one to say that. I also don't have a need to call t a relationship too early on (depends on how often we see each other, but a month or two if we see each other often is usually enough), but I'm also okay if he wants to label it early on, as long as I know I genuinely like him. (I've had an ex label it after a week and 2½ dates. We did spens some time talking online between meeting and going on the first date, but I don't really count online communication as me meeting the person. Maybe that's also part of the reason why I went into overthinking so easily this last time - we complimented and hyped each other up so much during that month that it created an emotional bond before the mental bond was there. And then when the mental bond came, everything was kind of sudden compared to me still not knowing if he genuinely liked me)
As for your last paragraph, that's actually not how life works often. To some it happens, yes. But if either or especially both of you can overthink sometimes, then you can be on the same page as much as you want, but if one of you doesn't start the direct and open conversation early enough (because late doesn't work), it's not gonna progress naturally. Few people enter dating/relationships with all of their problems sorted out. But enough people have the desire to learn and grow. They just need to ne given a chance, instead of someone running away at the first micommunication
- Dating is seriously the worst sometimes. I feel your frustration.
It sounds like for you, moving physically at your own pace and knowing the other person is into it too helps things progress naturally. Overthinking just gets in the way of that. I can see why waiting when you don't want to would dim the feelings.
Maybe being super upfront about wanting open communication would help find folks on the same page as you. Like saying right off the bat that you don't play games and need to talk things through.
And asking directly if they want to take it slow physically is smart, then you'll know where you stand. It probably saves hassle long run versus assuming and overanalyzing little stuff.
Don't stress too much about what others might prefer - focus on your needs and finding a match for that. Sounds like you've had success being your genuine self before.
Maybe write down what really matters to you so you can refer to it when doubts creep in. And like you said, give people a real chance to communicate before walking away at the first sign of issues. Sounds like you've got a good understanding of yourself and what you need - you'll for sure find someone who vibes with that with a little patience. Keep your head up!
Yup. Though I know what really matters to me, I don't have to write it down. The overthinking comes from other stuff I mentioned.
Well, for those I meet online vs. IRL, I do have it written on my profile that communication and honesty are non-negotiables for me. But sometimes even people who actually read my profile and say they love it end up not communicating directly 🙈
Maybe I should note that irl too. But I don't want to come off strict/tough on the first date. I prefer the first date be chill and spontaneous. I guess I have to find a way to do that without coming off as strict.
As for the sex, you're right. I should start asking (I only ask in a way if I see we wouldn't be a good match, but the vibe is good enough to have fun). My assumption is that men will say no if they don't want it immediately, but in reality, men don't always speak their mind
As for focusing on what others prefer, I was talking about things that are not related to my needs. Things I can adapt to. So I can't focus on my needs related to a certain thing if I don't have a need related to that
Yeah, I get what you're saying. Finding the right balance is key.
For meeting online, having communication/honesty upfront is smart - weeds out anyone not on the same page.
As for IRL, maybe you could work it into conversation naturally after the date goes well. Like when talking about what you're looking for, mention how you prefer open communication as things progress. That way it doesn't come across as harsh rules on date one.
And good point about sex - nothing wrong with putting it out there casually that you're DTF if the vibe's right, as long as you'd also be cool stopping at making out. Takes the pressure off figuring it out in the moment.
Adaptability is fine too, as long as you're not compromising your own needs. Keep the lines of communication open and see what feels right with each person. It's a learning process, you'll get better at sorting the keepers from the ones not meant to be. Just be you and it'll work out!
How are you that wise at 22 👄 Thanks, I appreciate it! 🙏🏽
Aw shucks, I'm not that wise! Just trying to help out a friend. Dating stuff is something we all figure out together.
And hey, I've had my share of messing up too when I was younger. But you learn from your mistakes and get better at reading people over time.
It also helps that you seem super self-aware already. A lot of guys our age aren't as good at reflecting on how to improve. You've obviously put in the work to grow.
So yeah, don't sell yourself short! You've got a good head on your shoulders. Just keep being your honest, communicative self and the right person will appreciate you for it. And in the meantime, we'll all keep learning together!
I think you’re a victim of the modern trend in which more and more people just want casual or regular sex and not a relationship. And I can tell you relationships are not easy to maintain. I was in your position before. I wanted to be with someone full time, have intellectual conversations daily, I wanted to wake up with a woman beside me, have breakfast together in bed, go places together, etc. Then that happened and I got married and I realised I’d made a mistake. Enjoy your freedom and sex because relationships aren’t what we think they are. Spending a lot of time with someone might be great for a while but then you grow sick of each other and you’ll want your own space.
When you're with the right person and you respect each other's boundaries, privacy and space, you don't grow sick of each other. Attested by couples happily married for 30+ years
Yes I do
Exact same thing? Would you add anything else to it?
I have a hard time talking to girls and even asking girls out because I'm afraid they will just reject me and make the whole thing awkward
Ah, then we have different problems. I'm good with the initiating or being asked out. It's the transition from dating to relationship I have problems with.