What to do if I'm 21yo and never even made out before?

[Moonie28]

I never dated, made out or had any romantic or sexual experience in my life.
I really want to be held and loved, I want to know what it feels like to receive affection from someone else. I crave those feelings.
I have great friendships, the types that stay strong in hardships and that never make you feel alone. It's not that I'm lonely, I just feel like I'm missing something big in my life.
People tell me to try dating apps and I know that they can solve some of my wantings but tbh I'm really shy when it comes to love. I find it terrifying to put myself out there and I feel it will only make me feel even more self conscious.
I have a deep belief that I am ugly. Inside and outside. I've been receiving compliments for my body and I love the way it looks, but I can't tolerate my face sometimes.
I know my pros and cons, many other people know them and they still chose to stay in my life. I'm just scared of being vulnerable again only to get rejected after sharing my "darkness."

[RavVid]

I've read the additional comments you have made and given thought to your situation.

The first thing I will say is don't regard it as a box to tick off on the to do list. That will betray your own emotional vulnerabilities.

The second thing I will say is stay away from dating apps. They are quite transactional and I doubt you are ready for them. People are exchanging what they have for what they want. It is not evil but it is a market place like any other and you offer yourself. You need to have resilience in that environment and I think you lack that at this moment.

Most of us are messed up in some way! What counts is how we deal with that and the best way of dealing with it is to be functional and not allowing yourself to feel darkness. From my own experience an effective way is saying "STOP" to your self when you have negative feelings. Every time a negative feeling pops up it's ugly head say "STOP" (thinking/feeling).

You see negative feelings wears tracks in your brain and keeps reinforcing those same negative feelings. Saying "STOP" does work. It doesn't work in 5 minutes, it doesn't work in a day, not even a week but it does kick in with practice.

You don't say so explicitly but it seems to be implied that you want a romantic relationship with a boy in which you feel loved, cherished and nurtured. Those things do help to heal you but boys aren't trained healers and they come grappling with their own issues.

To receive love you need to give love. Not big Romantic Love immediately. But low key everyday love and build that up within you.

It takes a little time so be patient.

[zeitgeist057]

hey this is a great tip, "STOP". I'm going to try it!

[RavVid]

@zeitgeist057 It does in fact work if you have negative repetitive thoughts.

[bededazzle]

you wants are 100% legit.
never compare yourself to others.
i feel the same as you—there is a special closeness in love. but remember, it is also something you can never possess. i know for me, i will never be able to get as close to someone as i want in my fantasies.
side note: cultural expectations. many of my east Asian friends have prioritize other things besides dating at your age.
i think the most important thing here is feeling ugly. i get it and feel that way sometimes too. of course, it is nice to have someone tell you you’re beautiful. when that person comes along, will you believe them? you should :).

anyhow, from what you wrote, there’s nothing you’re doing wrong. it sounds like it’s just a matter of time and serendipity. it’s really hard for some of us to totally love ourselves. i think that’s ok. just when someone special comes along, be ready to appreciate yourself the way they appreciate you :)

[Moonie28]

Thanks for your opinion! I have many things that get me busy and I have close friendships so it's not like finding love is the most important thing in my life. But I still crave it. I think I'll wait for now, however sad that makes me lol

[bededazzle]

well that’s great. you are a lot more put together than i am then lol

[scentoflavender]

We all have different journeys in life. Sex and love are incredibly wonderful things, but can be just as destructive. Going into these things with maturity and a good dose of skepticism can be a good thing. If you're looking for a partner, my advice is the same I gave my children. Lead the life you want to lead. Do the things that make you happy. Along the way you'll meet a partner who values and enjoys the same things. These can be hubby's, activities, projects, church functions etc etc. Just be open amd receptive to love when it finds you. Good luck

[HelpfulWoman]

not give a shit? you're 21, big fucking whoop. Let it happen naturally or else you're screaming you're insecure and only shit bags will give you attention

[riverrat3]

Well said

[zeitgeist057]

I would stay WELL away from dating apps. They are trash and will make you feel like crap, although it sounds like you do already, so they will suck you in from having a lack of confidence and make you feel even worse.

What makes you think you are ugly on the inside?

[Moonie28]

In a nutshell, I had a rough upbringing that deeply affected me. Now I'm healing from it with all the amazing people surrounding me but I still feel messed up.

[zeitgeist057]

well then you're probably okay. I had a rough upbringing as well but the thing is I've realized that a "silver spoon' upbringing with "everything" isn't necessarily the best thing either. my motto is "strength through adversity" because you get stronger from stress, or at least you can. it's how you frame it and decide about your life.

I'm glad to hear you have strong friendships and amazing people around you, I think that's a critical foundation and awesome resource. As for making out and finding love, it will happen. My suggestion is just focus on self-development, because the more in balance and healthy you are, the more attractive you become without seeking anyone intentionally, they just flow to you.

[zeitgeist057]

so you got rejected before? after sharing your past?

[Moonie28]

I only really opened up to less than a handful people. The most direct way I had someone talk about it was after I had a breakdown and told my friend I feel messed up. She replied by saying that it's true that I am messed up. She didn't try to lie to me and just simply confirmed it. She made it clear that we're going through it together and I'm not alone.

[zeitgeist057]

I feel like in my life the closest and strongest bonds I have are with the people I am most vulnerable with and honest. It can be tough, scary, and even painful sometimes but in the end 100% worth it for the benefits of the connections being so genuine.

[zeitgeist057]

@Moonie28 I tried to dm you but it wouldn't go through.

[DannyUk2017]

Sounds like you looking for "approval", well until you don't meet people you won't know for sure.🤷‍♂️

[Goahead76]

Yeah I agree with HelpfulWoman, I mean its normal to be curious but I would be very cautious. You've got to ask yourself if it's worth it to come away with a really mediocre or negative experience the first time.

[Iron_Man]

You don’t need to have sexual experiences at the age of 21 wait until after you’re married, kissing will come naturally when you get your first boyfriend

[Tim2nice]

And if she never finds a husband or her husband isn’t happy with her?

[Iron_Man]

@Tim2nice she will

[catmalin]

Go to a place where your desired partner would want to be. For me, it'd be a library or a bookstore. Also, take the initiative! Ask to sit with him and don't be shy. Good luck!

[Moonie28]

I actually train in muay thai. Before joining the academy I thought it will be a great place to find someone with the same interest as me. But now I understand how wrong I was. There are many attractive people there but since everyone knows everyone I don't want to make it awkward

[Anonymous]

I was going to give you an answer but I see this is a fake question so goodbye.

[In_Trance]

If you want the reward you have to do the work

[Anonymous]

Fix the situation. It is totally up to you.

[slatyb]

Ask a guy out.

[Anonymous]

I'm the same way