I don’t understand what’s wrong with being a placeholder for men?

[Anonymous]

I put in my bio on dating apps that I’m open to being a placeholder… doesn’t really include sex but I’m open to being emotional support and offering those emotional things that you may need or when you’re just lonely…

I actually ended up loving being a placeholder it really fits me and I think it was something I was meant to be.. like a job..

Since I get blown off anyway or men dog me or don’t want relationships with me I feel this is the best and safest route for me.

I like doing it tho … and I tell them that I can be their placeholder until they become exclusive to someone else.

the last guy I was a placeholder for was a firefighter and I was his emotional support now he’s married

im just one of those girls that don’t get the happy ending but I’ll make my situation worthwhile and reclaim the name..

[MysteriousDarkness]

Usually, someone is or becomes a placeholder because the other person doesn’t see a lasting future for the relationship, or they believe they can upgrade to a new partner in the future. However, in the meantime, these people are often afraid or don’t want to be alone.

You are afraid if you were to have sex they would ghost you, but think it's okay to ghost a guy who wants to be in a relationship with you that you are supposedly helping.

You say you want to help guys out emotionally until they are exclusive with somene, but then in a reply to TheSpaceGnome you said "It don’t make if I’m a placeholder or not.. I get dogged either way or left for something better" comes across as if it hurts you.

There are 3 parts of you to this. 1. bYou are okay doing what you are doing 2. If they leave you for someone better it hurts you. 3. If they want a relationship with you then you leave them.

You need to work on yourself and figure out what you truly want.

[Asker]

That’s the whole reason I am doing it and I have been it! Because almost every man I talked to felt they could do better and they usually do. They ghost me either way LMAOOO

No I wouldn’t ghost him … but I don’t want him to get his hopes up

Lol you don’t know me or my story. I’m content! I don’t catch feelings.

[Asker]

Work on what? I’m tired of seeing that! There’s nothing wrong with that

[MysteriousDarkness]

Some guys will want you because you didn't criticize them for opening up emotionally but will feel like they never should have opened up to you when you don't want them. They will feel like they should have gone to family, a therapist or not opened up at all instead of opening up to you

[Asker]

Well that’s up to them if they feel comfortable or not. I’m not pushing anyone

[Asker]

But stop saying I need to fix myself. I’m fine and I like what I do

[MysteriousDarkness]

Do you let them know you are only there for them to open up emotionally but don't want to be in a relationship with them?

[Asker]

Yes I do

[Asker]

One guy said he didn’t want that bc he didn’t want to end up liking me for nothing

[MysteriousDarkness]

A lot of guys want to be with some I ne they can open up to emotionally without being criticized.

[Asker]

Who said they are? Are you even listening

[Drew-1990]

I have mixed feelings here. I don't necessarily think this is the best idea. I get the general principal. This probably is a huge confidence boost for guys who are more shy with girls, like myself, but I feel like you're being used here more than anything. If it's a mutual like let's be friends and be there for each other till either one of us find someone, okay. But I feel in this situation you're just letting yourself be used by guys and you do deserve a happy ending yourself, not just him. I feel like you're helping them out but they're not helping you like they should be.

[Asker]

True but it doesn’t matter lol I don’t mind being there for them until they find someone

[Drew-1990]

Well that is your choice I will not judge you for it. I won't lie the idea does sound good to me because honestly I can be lonely guy so it would be nice to have anyone there for me and like I said probably help build my confidence but I would just feel like I'm using the girl or I would end up having feelings for her in the end.

[Asker]

Ohh okay

I would just stop responding if you have feelings for me

[Drew-1990]

I can see if you let a guy down gently but to stop responding because he started liking you? You said you enjoy helping the lonely guy out but ghosting him if he gets feelings is going to cause even more damage to him.

[Asker]

Shit men do it to me

[Drew-1990]

Yeah I know what happens, people are jerks. But just because someone does it to you doesn't mean you should do it to someone else, especially if they're growing feelings for you. I won't lie. I've ghosted girls and I'm not proud of it but never because they were growing feelings for me. If that happened I just let her know I wasn't feeling it, That's the worst time to ghost someone.

[Asker]

You’re right, im sure I wouldn’t just ghost like that

I am a decent human being

[Drew-1990]

I would have to agree with that, if you are going out with lonely guys to give them company and support till they find a girl. I may not fully agree with it, but that's not something a non-decent person would do. You would have to be a decent human being to want to help another person like that.

[TenderFantasy]

"Since I get blown off anyway or men dog me or don’t want relationships with me I feel this is the best and safest route for me.""

I don't think you understand what a placeholder is. Usually the other person/party doesn't know they are a placeholder. The other person (usually a woman) thinks the relationship is serious and is going to lead to a marriage and a family. All the while, and it's usually the guy, knew all along that the person they were dating was NOT "it" for them and they were just leading them on and making them think that.

If you can't even get into relationships with men, that is NOT what a placeholder is. You're just a fuck buddy at this point or "friends with benefits" as the famous term puts it. Not friendzone, that's different, but friends with benefits.

[TenderFantasy]

I read more of your question and the reason why a lot of women find it hurtful, disappointing or frustrating is because yeah, they were led on/lied to, especially as women get older, they kinda get desparate for something more serious, rather than just being a cum dumpster or receptacle. Who appreciates being looked over or used for convenience and then dumped once they find someone better? Don't you have better self-worth than that? ! Self-respect? ! Also, what if you become attatched to having sex with him but he leaves you once he finds someone he REALLY likes instead? !

Also, there's the accidental pregnancy thing you may or may not have to deal with asside from the oxytocin that floods your brain when a woman makes love to a man.

[Asker]

I don’t sleep with them

It’s all emotional with sexual tones

[IslaTheWitch]

I don't think you are a placeholder. You are more of a friend than a girlfriend. I think you try to detach yourself emotionally and avoid the need for commitment from both sides because you were hurt. It's my guess, but it looks for me quite plausible.

There is nothing wrong with this. As long as you know why you are doing this and what your boundaries are. And what marks the end date when you return to a life where you look for someone who will be here only for you.

[Tim2nice]

I’m tired of seeing your placeholder posts. You’re clearly damaged and need help. Forget relationships with men. Focus on your mental wellbeing instead and whenever you’re ready to date things will happen naturally. But you’re definitely not ready for romantic relationships right now

[Asker]

Shit me too

I’m not damaged

I do have ocd

[Tim2nice]

Then seek help. Men don’t need a want relationships without sex. That’s what friendships are for. Relationships revolve around sex and emotional connection.

[DextroShade]

Asker you need a lobotomy.

[Asker]

I understand that but if he was willing to ghost me after that means that what he was primarily after and I have to protect myself

If I were to sleep with him would he ghost me

[Asker]

@DextroShade why? That’s rude

[blueonblack22]

That’s interesting and very creative. But it sounds to me you really want more platonic “friends” which most men ignore on dating apps/websites. But you are “offering” something right up front for men to consider.

So what happens if you end up developing real feelings towards one of these guys you met or vice versa?

[Asker]

I don’t because I learned my lesson the last couple times! I don’t catch feelings! I remember my place

[blueonblack22]

What you are doing may have some real value. But just remember men don’t need platonic “friends only” relationships to survive in this world. We are independent.

But I will admit there may be some value in what you are doing. I remember I just got a drink with one girl under this circumstance. I told her what my ex girlfriend had said to me recently (one of the deepest insults I’ve ever taken from a women in my life). The girl did show true genuine concern about it. Also said what she said to me was extremely unusual and not right. That did help me at the time.

[Asker]

True that but if some guys need that I’m down.. and it can be until they find someone exclusive.

[blueonblack22]

I still think a part of you is doing this because you want “guy friends”.

Again men do not need women as “friends only” to survive in this world. But women LOVE having platonic male fiends. Just love it. Reason being it’s usually benefits them MUCH more then vice versa.

Be careful how you go about this. I have literally zero good memories of being “friends only” with women. There is one exception though. It only worked because I was never physically attracted to the woman to begin with (or vice versa). However that’s rare. Very rare. Almost always one person will have feelings to a certain extent.

[Asker]

I’ve trained myself very well to not catch feelings especially after two hurtful situations….

I can look at a beautiful couple, romantic movie or a picture of someone in love and feel nothing for it. Not one emotion…. I love that feeling cause I don’t want to feel

Ever again. I don’t need it, I don’t want it… just ughhh

I’d rather do what I do. Plus it’s something I’m so used to.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is anything wrong with it really. I think perhaps it depends if its more like your really close friend's or kinda dating but not quite. As finding someone else while being with you as a placeholder could be seen as cheating and that could be part of it.

As long as your happy and that. That's what matters. Plus well it's actually pretty nice. I just hope you get what you want out of being a placeholder.

And if I interpret this right. Basically your not really looking for the long term but until they meet someone for them your with them to meet emotional needs?

Cause if so I can see the appeal as well loneliness ain't fun.

[MemeSupreme]

if you're not ready to date or somethin then nothing wrong with it but like there's apps for making friends. feeling like dating apps are for just dating or having fun bc it's kinda superficial lmao

[Anonymous]

Sooooo all in all you're okay with being used & tossed aside like days old pizza when the guy finds someone else. Geezz just call it what it is. Fuck buddy, friends with benefits, cheap slut good for sex and nothing beyond that. Placeholder makes you sound like you have importance when, reality is, you're willingly their free prostitute.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I think that's phenomenal, incredibly self-aware of you, and if you've ever seen the old Joss Whedon TV show Firefly, there's a character on there who pretty much does that for a living.

[Asker]

Thank you 😊 it’s self awareness not low self esteem.

[BoopBoopBeep]

That thought didn't even cross my mind. I think 40 years ago it would have, possibly, but there's so many non-traditional relationships out there now, I can't imagine anyone would bat an eye. I know a lady in the military that still lives with her husband after they separated because that way it's easier to get their orders cut together so neither of them has to be away from the kid. I know another couple with an open marriage and one who has been in and out of polyamory (their third moved away for work). As long as you're getting what you want out of it, it's nobody else's business to say you're not getting it right.

[Asker]

Very true

[selfish-and-cruel]

I have too much self-respect and pride to be a placeholder. But if it suits you, have fun.

[Asker]

I used to feel like that… I’m down bad lol

But I actually do enjoy it… I guess because I’m not really looking for anything.

[jshm2]

You're not a "placeholder" off the bat. At best you're a side piece, or hook-up.

But you're in for meeting some psycho ex's if you keep up the lifestyle.

[bolverk]

It is very simple - the vast majority of men do not want a "placeholder" its hard enough just finding a date, without someone offering to be an emotion safety blanket.

[Asker]

Right they just want sex

[CozyCoffin]

No, they want both.

[bolverk]

If you think guys just want sex - then you're dating the wrong guys.

[Asker]

Well the last guy I told to did say he didn’t want just sex yet he ghosted me after the date bc I said I wanted to wait till marriage

Now I wasn’t really honest but I am a virgin… he did want sex eventually but I wanted to see his response to it…

[integrale77]

So basically you just want to be friends with a guy which is what you describe.

[Asker]

With sexual tones… interesting conversation and sexting

[Curiositykilledcat7]

Please pick me girl stop your worth more you are not an emotion support animal

[Asker]

If I’m not mistaken a pick me girl is a girl begging to be picked… I’m not…

We only talk until they are exclusive to someone else

[ChiTown33]

Not necessarily. A "pick me girl". Is simply a girl that says "I'm not like other girls so pick me" when in reality they're EXACTLY like those other girls. It can come in the form of a girl begging to be picked, but is most frequently actually in the form of a girl who simply wants attention.

[Asker]

@ChiTown33 mmm 🤔 okay. I’ll take it. I don’t know how I’m getting attention when I’m the one giving it and I’m only thinking about the person I talk to

But to each its own. Pickmisha that’s me

[Zestyassmf1997]

Sounds like you’re just kind of settling for a situation that probably exists largely due to poor self esteem.

[Asker]

Mmmm no, like I said I like it. No feelings involved

[Zestyassmf1997]

You’ve convinced yourself that you like it.

[Asker]

I dooo! When I don’t catch feelings

I’ve learned not to

[laly520]

from ur posts I can see some mental issues

get therapy

[Asker]

Like what?

Give me some suggestions?

[BikingTrail]

sounds very interesting, I dont see anything wrong with it

[Nikki1989]

Whatever floats your boat, really.

[Joshydavid25]

Sounds like you're a bit hurt and this is making you feel better.. You're using this to get over your last ordeal it seems..

[Anonymous]

Nothing against you personally, but tbh... most of us just expect women to say, "I accept Cashapp." That's all there is now anyway, so except for the fuckboys, the rest of a large swath have just stepped off entirely.🤝

[FunkyMonkee]

You're way ahead of me! I have no idea what a men's placeholder is!

[ChicoFromThe305]

That is terrible, you should get your happy ending as well

[whistlingwh0res]

Men live to spread their seed. If they can’t they get depressed or become violent because of frustration. You can’t hold on to those men who like to spread their seed.