He's thinking about keeping his options open. Now what?

[Anonymous]

I (33, F) met this Dutch guy (30, M) on a dating app and we've dated twice last October, and then I came back to my country. Everything went well, so we decided to delete our dating apps and started dating exclusively (not a relationship) 2 months ago even though we're in different countries.

Fast forward to now, we've been talking to each other online for around 6 months, and I'm planning to go back to the Netherlands next month. However, since last month, he's been feeling a bit depressed and we started to talk less. He said I can't expect the flame to be passionate as always especially I'm the one who moved across back to my country after 2 dates.

And 2 days ago, it happened that I deactivated my social media account before bed. When I woke up, I saw his messages and found he got so pissed off because he thought I deleted him and cut him off, so later on I talked to him again, he said he downloaded the dating app again because he was mad and wanted some distraction.

Now I ask him if he wants to stay on the dating app or choose me, and I understand we're not in a relationship, but I thought we have this agreement we'll only date each other. He said he's been more faithful and honest than any normal person should be for 2 dates because he likes me, and he emphasized he's just scrolling and we're not in a relationship. He said it's completely fine to date other people, but he hasn't. I don't get why it's fine to date other people when we agreed to date exclusively?

I appreciate he was willing to delete dating apps while I couldn't date him in real life, but I didn't force him to. Now I feel I'm like an option when he told me he hasn't decided if he's going to delete the apps again. He said he likes me, but he's thinking about keeping his options open, and I'm considering if I should do the same.

If you were me, what would you do? Would you simply give up on this guy or keep your options open and see how it goes in the future? I definitely won't beg him to stay...

[sawno]

Alright, 30 year old dutch guy here. We are very direct people and tend to be honest. So you can expect that what he told you is entirely true. You made him feel insecure by deleting it so he began keeping his options open now since he thinks that's what you were doing. So, next time tell your dutch guy that your going to do something like deleting the account and arrange proper contact on a different place first. We NEED very direct communication, that's what we are used to and our culture.

So how to fix it? Also be direct and tell him that you are only not in a relationship because he hasn't asked you yet but that him dating around hurts you and your just waiting for him to ask you to be his. Or alternatively straight up ask him to be in a relationship, we are a very emancipated country so either can ask. He needs to know your serious, and making it official not only removes his "We aren't in a relationship so its ok" mentality that you induced by deleting the app, it will make him show his full loyalty.

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer. It's not possible to ask him to be in a relationship only if I'm back in the Netherlands again. Also, sometimes I'm confused if he's the right one for me, but I think I've got emotionally attached. I sometimes thought I wanted to leave, but I just can't. I still feel maybe it's possible to give it a try and date in real life to see if we're a good match, but I feel frustrated when he wants to go back to the dating apps...

[sawno]

You want to do it on a special occasion in person like I did with my last US girl? Very understandable, but then tell him the first. That you take it as serious as a relationship, and that the fact that its not official yet shouldn't mean to him that he shouldn't be as serious, because you take it that serious and will say yes whenever he asks.

[Asker]

What happened with you and the US girl? I mean there's no way you have develop a real relationship with someone when you don't know if you're the right fit for each other in real life...
I think it's not about if I want to ask him to be in a relationship, we both know we're looking for something serious, and that's why he's waited for me for like 4-5 months. If he was a player, he wouldn't have waited and talked to me online that long. But he's deciding whether he wants to keep his options open or have me, and it feels terrible to wait and be 'chosen'. :'(

[sawno]

He should pick you or just move on, in my case we couldn't bridge the distance in time. We did meet in person and in person it was just as incredible, but you'd be surprised how well you can get to know someone and bond online.

[spartan55]

I had to reread 'dating exclusively' 'but not in a relationship' several and, it still sounds ridiculous. Not sure what the point of all the relationship word salad... but whatever.

[Asker]

Thanks for your reply. I didn't mean to do it

[spartan55]

How did you mean it?

[Crimsyjo]

It's unfortunate but you can't really expect exclusive "dating" when u can't date eachother due to distance. He must really really like you to have even agreed to it after only 2 dates. And last so long with only online chat! Amazing. Very sweet. But honestly, what are your future plans? Of you are going to be close to eachother very soon then hold out. If not, well, its sad but you gotta let go. Just be friends and maybe just maybe you will reconnect in the future if both single and distance is no longer an issue.

[Asker]

Thank you for your opinion. True... It's hard to make it work when there's no proper future plans. I think your opinion is very insightful. I don't wanna waste each other's time, and sometimes we think it's been too long that we almost forget what each other looks like. It's hard to maintain it when it's a long distance thing...:'(

[boggboss]

Your both wasting eachothers time he clearly ain't happy doing long distance and u want exclusivity from a guy who only went on two dates just move on

[laly520]

move on
he isn't the one

[Asker]

May I know why you think he's not? :'(

[laly520]

he is clearly not satisfied with ldr relationship n already looking for other options

[Asker]

You're right... He already made it clear that he wouldn't want a long distance relationship again, but I think it's unfair if now I'm the one who looks like an option, and I don't wanna be an option waiting for him to choose me. I'm thinking about confronting and telling him I'll go back to the dating app too, but he just asked me again when I'll come back to NL and he's looking forward to seeing me... I just don't get what guys are thinking about sometimes.

[luukbefine]

Ditch him. He's wasting your time...

[spartan55]

I think you have that baackwards.