How do I lower my physical standards?

Question

So, to be clear, this isn't something I chose. But I seem to only have a specific type of guy who I find attractive enough to want to get to know, and it's always guys who you just don't see walking around often. I'm not entitled, I don't think I just deserve the most attractive guy in the world. I know I'm not the most attractive woman in the world. But it's making it difficult to date because honestly so many of the guys where I live are just so. . . meh. Like, they don't take care of themselves, don't dress well, don't shave, are immature, smoke, drink, do drugs, have awful haircuts, etc.

But I don't want to be single forever, so how can I make myself attracted to less attractive men? I could never date someone I'm not genuinely attracted to, so I can't just say yes to the first fugly dude with a decent personality that walks by. But I'm getting annoyed with myself.

Has anyone else had this problem? How do you deal with it?

JoePro_ · Accepted Answer

Maybe see a relationship type therapist, especially a female. She might be able to (first) relate to you and the social predicament you're in but then (second) help you understand the difference between reasonable and unreasonable standards, and how to use those standards to search for the right guys.

That said, I can say that some of your standards, at least how you've phrased them (and I could be wrong in how I'm interpreting them) might be unreasonable and could be ruining your chances with someone who might be great. Someone not dressing well is probably a horrible reason to not date them, because not dressing well doesn't itself indicate anything other than they might have never been taught how to dress, or had someone interested in the way they dress. Unshaved could be another unreasonable one. Lack of shaving doesn't mean lack of ability to take care of someone he loves, or inability to help around the house, or inability to take you on great dates. These are also things that a man is often willing to change so his significant other is happier.

If a girl I was dating was like "I don't want to nitpick, because I'm not that kind of person. I like going out with you, but if you don't me mentioning this one thing that, if you're willing to change, it would make me incredibly happy..." I'd know she's not attacking me, and wants our relationship to work. And I'd definitely consider doing what she asked. Not all guys "will" make the change, but most will at least consider it, and I think many would make the change.

Also, many things, guys will just sort of let you take over. If you were like "I'd like for 'us' to go in for a haircut today. Would it be okay if I have a little say in your haircut?" And then tell him what you were thinking and why. Or "I was thinking 'we' could go clothes shopping today. Would it be okay if I pick out a couple outfits for you?" Most guys I think would be like "Sure."

Immaturity, smoking, drugs, those are something I can see as good limits.

But everything else is like "Is that an indicator that his whole life is in disarray or that he's insufficient to be a partner, or is that something you're just projecting onto him, or prejudging him for based on your personal (probably incorrect) perception of what that attribute 'means'?"

I do wish you good luck though. I know being lonely sucks. I don't wish that on most people, and I don't know you, so of course I wouldn't wish it on you. (A few people though, I think it's probably better they're alone... Just saying.)

serious · Accepted Answer

Well, there is nothing wrong if you have high standards. Just ensure that they are not outright unrealistic.

In fact in my view you should not lower your standards even if it means staying single for a really long time. Believe it or not it is much better to be single, to be alone instead of being with the wrong person or to someone whom you are really not attracted to and have no or very little compatibility with.

As for me no, I have never had this problem because I have never tried. I have always been single. Yes I do have "my type" as well and my standards are high on both physical looks and personality aspect, both are equally important to me but I never wish to date so it does not matter. I will never face this problem, the one you have mentioned above.

I wish you best of luck going forward

Kelley1 · Accepted Answer

Unless you live in a low class neighborhood, most guy are not immature, smoke, drink, and do drugs. You can manage their dress, shaving, and hair cuts. If your neighborhood is that bad, then you need to get out and about and meet a better class of guys. A good place to meet quality guy is 1 mile to 10 k fun runs. If necessary, spend a month or two getting into good enough shape to jog for 4 or 5 miles.

Remember this. You are already at or past you peak sexual market value so if you can't find someone acceptable by age 22, you are even less likely to the following year and every year thereafter. Moreover, don't expect guys to take a risk, unless you first strongly indicate that you are willing to be approached.

kylee2437 · Accepted Answer

The things you mentioned are turn offs though in general for everyone. I wouldn’t say to lower your standards but maybe venture out of your town , meet new people. There’s nothing wrong with not dating within your town

Biancam13 · Answer

Ok. I think I have a way to know if your standards are unrealistic in dating. I have done this before. What I did is I wrote out a list of qualities (being completely honest with myself) about what I'm looking for in a date. In both physical appearance and personality/values, and how I want him to act in our relationship.

Those qualities I want in a person go into the first column. Then, in a second column, I go through each of those qualities I listed one by one and ask myself honestly: do I have that quality myself?

So if I want him to have a good body and be into fitness, do I myself make an effort with my physical fitness and body? If I want him to be adventurous and driven, am I adventurous and driven myself, or am I lazy and unmotivated? If I want him to look like a male model, am I the equivalent of that in looks?

If I want a guy with certain characteristics, I need to make an effort to be all these things myself, more or less. Otherwise, maybe I should relax my standards a little.

Hope this helped.

jshm2 · Answer

Your problem is not your "standards" it's your simplistic and insular nature.

Why would a guy like that want you? Your wanting them is irrelevant. Also, what do you bring to the table for them and their their wants that they should pick you?

You also don't understand that you need to work and mould a person into the one you want. You just need to ensure there is enough there to work with. So you can make that smelly, boring nerd into the man of your dreams, if he is willing to fall head over heels for you.

Overandunder89 · Answer

My sister has this problem. She has literally been single since 2006 because of it. The thing is though, her standards aren't really the problem. It sounds like yours aren't either. The problem that both of you share is this: location location location. My sister is set in her ways and is too lazy to change her life. The problem is where you live and the people who reside there. The biggest favor you can do yourself is to not become my sister. Get out of there as soon as you can and I promise you things will improve.

JHAYES317 · Answer

Look at it from a logical perspective instead of an emotional one…logically it makes no sense to have most physical standards since men will lose most of that by old age anyway…the dick will stop working, their face will be wrinkly, they will lose their hair, shrink in size etc…also evaluate if any of your standards were brought on by societal influence rather than your own biological reaction? Like for example viewing a short man as less attractive due to society viewing them as such, rather than you individually biologically being repulsed by them…

lightbulb27 · Answer

part of attraction is the sub conscious mind. so what is the wiring up there and can it be changed? You can decide to value other attributes of the person and accept what they don't have. the reality of life is, you don't get everything you want. Even a perfect person... is not perfect.

tremendousfern · Answer

A lot of those are behavioral standards, personally, I wouldn't lower those either. Most people don't want to date sloppy drug abusers. Typically I think of physical standards as stuff like face structure, body type, height, weight, etc.

If you live in a shithole where everybody is a deadbeat, I'd just focus on trying to get the hell out of there before it drags you down into the pit as well.

DarkWinterNights · Answer

When guys complain about women’s insanely high standards, they aren’t referring to the traits you listed. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone who takes pride in their appearance, is clean - drug free and doesn’t smell like body odor or dirty laundry.

firenine909 · Answer

I’m not sure how to lower ones standards but I find sexy girls hot and cute girls adorable. I find athletic and tomboyish girls to be cool and nerdier girls to be fun to talk to. You can find value in the people around and there should be a deeper range of people you can like too

ProbablyClueless · Answer

What I've found works well is to identify which things are actually "must haves" and which things are more "it'd be nice if he...". You can make your standards easier to meet without lowering them.

Stuff like hygiene, taking care of yourself are probably must haves, while dressing well is probably something you would like but don't really need in your men.

RSav4013 · Answer

If you are only attracted to guys that you think are out of your league then the only option is to work to get in their league. If you lower your standards you'll never be happy so work harder to be better.

deus_ex_sisyphus · Answer

It sounds like you need to detach the idea from the man. So, focus more on how a person makes you feel in the moment as opposed to where they fall short of your idea of what a man should be. Not to beat a dead horse, but if you only focus on the distance between the man and idea you will only ever see the negative aspects of that man. To the second part of your question, yes I and many other men have struggled with this too.

4ngelic · Answer

why would you lower you looks standards when most of the stuff your complaining about is behavioral

myloveforuisinfinte · Answer

Don't lower your standards, why don't u change your place? move somewhere else. Or starts travelling. Try social media.

Heolurt · Answer

Don't date the less attractive guys they deserve more than you settling just so you don't have to stay single, because when you settle you'll use it as an argument point which all girls end up doing.

Yannae · Answer

You can stay to your standards. You can lower them. But you can also... help improve a guy. Husbands are not the same person they were when they were only dating.

Sonorous · Answer

Of you're not a sub-5 in looks then maybe you don't have to lower your standards.

Anonymous · Answer

Don't lower those, just the unrealistic expectations of high status guys with lots of cash and a villa.

Sharkstealth · Answer

To bad your so young. Your descriptions sound like me except I don't know if my face is good looking or bad in your opinion.

DarkLegacy · Answer

Anyone who refers to anyone as fugly deserves to be alone. You reap what you sow

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Well, I give you an "A" for admitting the problem. I don't know what the answer is except to perhaps find a diamond in the rough.

IloveWinters · Answer

Please don't lower your basic expectations from a guy. You want to date someone close to your values and perspectives

Pohjolan · Answer

You can intentionally broaden your taste by masturbating enough to different kinds of men.

laly520 · Answer

seems like realistic standards to me

Anonymous · Answer

If he has a great personality I’m sure you can encourage him to fix some of these things

HouseMoat · Answer

by growing up

How do I lower my physical standards?

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