My boyfriend is about to come home from a 9 month deployment, and he'd been distant but has kept up with communication with me. Why would he be like this?

Question

Let me continue, so he has been trying to keep communication between us which is good because we really need communication, but he can be very distant as well. He's deployed and I'll message throughout the day, things like "I hope your day is going good" and "I love you". He'll respond but never start a conversation. It's always me. He is about to come home from his deployment and all the spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends know when their soldier is coming home the date and time, when I asked him he would only tell me the wave he was, and said he couldn't tell me the time or day, but in an annoyed tone. And when I told him I wanted to be there to welcome him home he said he really doesn't want anyone there but he doesn't care. I don't know how to take this. I would think your SO would be happy and excited to you after 9 months if being gone. I need help in understanding why he would be like this and what I can do to help

JoePro_ · Accepted Answer

As someone who was in the military, I'll say that 9 months is a long time to maintain emotions for someone you don't see every day. And either he'll need to reestablish that bond with you while he's back, or he'll end it because it's neither good for you nor him to have to dedicate your time to one another when you can't even spend time with one another.

Additionally, there could be other factors which have affected his emotions. Traumas while overseas. The dangers that exist, the friends he might have lost, etc., weighs on a person. And the bad memories will drain his energy and ability to effectively communicate with people every day.

Distrust can also build between couples because it's not uncommon for stateside significant others to cheat while their person is deployed. This is very, very common actually, and cheating it's the biggest reason for divorce in the military.

That said, no one will be able to say for certain what's going on with him, but him. And so you'll probably want to probe a little when he gets back and just address it directly. Maybe give him a couple days so it's one less stress on his plate when he first returns. And then bring it up to him when you think it's a good time.

"I can't imagine what you might be going through right now, with having been overseas for 9 months, and now being back in the states. I can't imagine what you're feeling regarding your military friends, family here, and with our relationship. But I'd like to know whatever you're able to tell me. I feel like you've been distant toward me for a while, and I don't know if it's something I might have done, or if it's something you're going through. But I'd like to understand, if you think you're able to tell me what's on your mind. If it's something we can work through, I want to work through it with you. If it's not something you think we can work through, then let's address it. But I want you to know I'm here for you, and I open to listening to what you might be going through."

Then take it from there. If it opens up, great. If not, then you might need to give him more time before trying to probe again. But the biggest sentiments you can express to him is "I can't understand what you might be feeling or thinking right now, but I care about you, and I want you to know I'm here when you're ready."

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

He sounds depressed, down. God only knows what he's been through.

This is a tough job for a "girlfriend"... to be supportive, but not needy. This may be harder on you than it is on him.

Guys have a special place they go called a "nothing box"... where they aren't processing and want to be left alone. Kinda like a cat when its ready to die, they like to go off and hide and not be found. That's probably him.

But his girlfriend wants to communicate and connect and blah blah blah... yea, you do, but he doesn't want that... he doesn't feel "secure" being open and communicating. If he really did open up with his true feelings, you'd probably run for your life. Such is the challenge of being a male. You'd think he'd be desperate to see you (or anyone), but that isn't how some personalities are nor feel.

We'll, these are conflicting NEEDS.

If you don't understand that, you're in trouble and hard to help. What I would do is say...

"I'm here for you when you are ready, love you. that is supportive, and not needy. If you want to throw out a hook then... [I wonder last time you've had a good <steak/pizza/hug>)?

and go from there.

thatshydork · Accepted Answer

It could be that maybe he just wants to spend a bit of time with his family after being away for so long. Also, when people are deployed, they usually have limited access to WiFi and work very long hours. My friend who’s in the military got deployed to Europe and when she was on the boat, we could only email and that would be like maybe once every 1-3 days. The only time she was able to call me was for like 5 minutes when she was in Greece and got a little time off to explore and she was deployed for months. Of course, our dynamic is different then yours, her and I being best friends and all.

Long story short - I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you.

Booklover_90 · Accepted Answer

Dating or being married to a soldier requires patience and understanding. If you pray, pray for him. Otherwise, understand that you won’t talk every day nor will your always have long conversations. Also, he won’t be the same person as he was before he left for deployment. Keep that in mind.

bobby_bush_eater · Answer

He's very busy, very tired, has shitty Wi-Fi and is dealing probably with very shitty leadership. I know it's hard on you but it's worse for him. Just don't give up, he'll be home soon and he'll appreciate all the kind words even if he doesn't respond or seems distant. Trust me, I've been there

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

First deployment?

Otherwise, kind of matters what he does/where he went. If he was in Oman, not so much. If he was getting regularly shot at if he didn't shoot the bad guy first, that can be a little rough your first go around.

Typically the S. O. finds out movement times through MWR or a unit family organizer. Those other guys aren't telling their wives either (which, you are not) over the phone/internet because that can be tapped and he'd get in huge trouble for it. They are finding out from other people on base, which you apparently do not have access to.

ShadezMcgee · Answer

It may boil down to OPSEC (Operational Security) to why he isn't saying much. Plus he is doing a job that requires his attention and focus. That isn't to say he doesn't appreciate or care about how you feel. This is just the difficulty with deployment. He may be stressed and pulled all over trying to be fair to you and still do his job efficiently.

Just give him some breathing room to adjust for redeployment operations and just continue supporting him. Your words probably do more than you realize. A soldier would rather have a girlfriend/wife that is supportive and faithful and sending love over one that says nothing and then they come home to an empty house and a cleaned out bank account.

Apple1996 · Answer

My husband has been deployed many times. I've noticed the biggest reason if we can't talk much is because of the time difference or bad signal. Also if he's been mega busy it's just hard to find the time. With one of his deployments I didn't hear from him for 2 months lol so sometimes it's just like that

Phoenix98 · Answer

Stress probably worrying about you being faithful since a lot of soldiers mention ole jodie.

Then if he was deployed to a warzone well that kind of says it all doesn't it. But also just being away from someone for that long on top of dealing with being deployed it can be a lot to handle for some guys.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Being deployed is brutal. He has had to adjust to a new reality while deployed and the prospect of coming home can be daunting. He will have to re-adapt to the "world". If his deployment was particularly intense it will take him longer to make the transition.

Kylie_Bug · Answer

You definitely would think he would be a little more excited, just even to be home. Maybe he is really stressed from his deployment.

JacobJordan · Answer

I mean little bro is deployed into likely a shithole possibly been dealing with hostile forced shooting at him you'd be distant and stressed and not giving a ton of info either

MemeSupreme · Answer

sounds burnt out or somethin  let him rest, chill, and ask about it later

strateguy632 · Answer

he meant, "let me finish packing my stuff".

Anonymous · Answer

ah. very common for deployed men to cheat (emotionally or physically). VERY common. he probably feels guilty.

JayBones · Answer

He's sad he has to leave his fuck hut with 2 cute Ukrainians and his sons with them in war torn Ukraine

worldscolide · Answer

Deployment sucks. Give him some time, let him get use to being home.

Anonymous · Answer

He has more important things to worry about.

LadyLa820 · Answer

He could be really looking forward to seeing you.

laly520 · Answer

strange but give him some space

exitseven · Answer

Maybe he has gone through something traumatic

In_Trance · Answer

Because he's been deployed

Paul09 · Answer

Army ! separating families since forever.

noohair · Answer

Service can be very stressful.

My boyfriend is about to come home from a 9 month deployment, and he'd been distant but has kept up with communication with me. Why would he be like this?

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