Is there something wrong with how I interact with guys?

[Anonymous]

I'm on a dating app and I get many matches, but when I converse with the guys I've matched with it somehow doesn't end up anywhere more than talking even after some flirty texts have been added in. We will chat for while after we've initially matched but it will somewhat die off after a short while. Is it possibly due to the fact that my conversational skills are lacking?

Yes

No

Other reason

Updates

14 d

If its other reason, could you help explain what it might be?

Updates

12 d

Thanks to everyone for their advices and input, really appreciate it <3

[SomothErgai]

I would say yes and no. See, I'm a terrible conversationalist and yet I can talk for hours about a huge array of topics. My problem is finding the right things to talk about that both of us will find interesting. I absolutely cannot do small talk. so, my options are very VERY sexual conversations which I excel at, or extremely deep philosophical or scientific conversations. Which, speaking honestly, m most girls seem to flee from like it's the fucking plague.

So for me there are seemingly always three options.

Talk about sex a lot and come off as only being interested in her pussy

Talk about intellectual stuff and come off as a loser/nerd with nothing actually exciting to say

Or talk about nothing and come off as super boring and not worth anyone's time.

The real issue is engagement from the girl. 99.99% of the time no matter what I try the girl gives me almost zero engagement back. Ask yourself this. How much are you really putting into the conversations you're having? How receptive are you to the types of conversations the guys you match with are trying to have? If they show a sexual interest in you, how eager do you seem to engage with them? not just in text but actually showing a desire to meet and have sex?

It's no secret that the guys who are matching with you are predominantly going to want to have sex with you. So do you match with guys you wouldn't actually have sex with and then unsurprisingly don't show a receptiveness to their sexual advances?

If they try to talk about something deeper, like science or philosophy, do you take an interest and really try to engage with them on the subject or do you let it show that you find it boring and couldn't care less?

Do they have to always keep the conversation going or will you reach out and try to strike something up if they haven't said anything in a while?

I'm not saying you're like the other girls i've interacted with. But I would like to know. How much effort do you actually put in? Or do you just expect the guy to carry the entire thing?

[Asker]

I see, that makes sense though. I will flirt a bit with them, then ask questions to get to know them more like their jobs etc. When they haven't said anything in awhile I'll ask them a question that relates to our previous messages, so I don't really expect the guy to carry the convo entirely

[Asker]

Is that the incorrect way of having a convo with guys?

[SomothErgai]

Do you actually intend to meet the guys you match with? that's kind of a big thing. a lot of guys can very quickly pick up on your intentions. and if they can tell you are not serious about meeting them and yes, potentially having sex, they will most likely move on very quickly.

That's not to say that all guys ONLY want sex but it is certainly AMONG the things they are going to want from you. along with good companionship, conversation, and everything else.

[Asker]

Yeah I do intend to meet them, but not to sleep with them. I intend to meet them on dates to get to know them more. I don't ask them out though, I usually will chat with them and let them decide if they want to ask me out or not

[SomothErgai]

Ok, walk me through a typical date with you. where do you go? What do you do? what do you talk about? how are you actually trying to "get to know them"?

[Asker]

We would go to a mall then we'd usually have a meal together, then I'd ask them questions like what are they looking for, why are they on the app, what are their future plans etc

[Asker]

Or should it be done with a different approach?

[SomothErgai]

Pt 1

so it's an interview? Do you maybe see how that kind of feels like the guy is applying for a job position and you're the hiring manager grilling him to see if he even qualifies? Let me ask you, what do those questions really tell you about someone?

Take "why are you on the app" for example. It's pretty obvious that they are having a hard time meeting girls in natural settings on their own. they're either shy or awkward or not very outgoing etc etc. These can all be pretty safely assumed from the mere fact they are on the app in the first place. Men who get tons of girls do not use these apps. So now, the guy, knowing all of this about himself either has to tell you he sucks with women, which will not give you a very good reason to keep seeing him. Or he will have to try and make up some reason for using the app that doesn't make him look like a loser.

Either way he loses. Just for having to answer the question.

How about "what are you looking for". Again there's really no right answer here. Suppose he really is just interested in sex. No guy who has half a brain is going to just say he's trying to fuck and nothing else. We know that shit is never going to fly in a million years. So he's going to lie. Suppose he's looking for a wife? We also know that trying to bring up something like marriage, or having children on the first date is going to send most women running. So again, lie.

[SomothErgai]

Pt 2

The problem is there's no "safe" way to answer that question and as a woman you already know you can't trust the answer anyway because the guy has infinite reasons to lie about his answer due to the fact he does not yet know what kind of girl you are.

As far as their future plans, that has all the same issues as the other two questions. there's no good way to answer that. and it's because these are interview questions. are they applying for a job or are you actually interested in pursuing this person?

Think about how you have gotten to know other people in your life? take your firends. did you interview your friends for the position of friend or did you just hang out with them and do shit together and discover that you enjoy their company?

Think about guys you've been with that you liked the most. how do you normally get to know them? I'm going to venture a guess that you just start doing things together and find out if you like them or not over time as you aquire experiences with them.

try this approach. just go and do things together. hang out at the house and watch some tv or play some games, have sex even. talk about something that interests you and see how they respond. find out what interests them and try to take an interest yourself and find out more.

In short, actually try to get to know them as people and not as job applicants and get back to me about how it goes

[zagor]

Have you got to the point of talking about meeting in person? You can only go so far with texts.

[Asker]

Yeah, I've met them before once then it seems like they've lost interest after the date. I pay them back for my portion or the meal though

[IslaTheWitch]

in general, it means you don't look for the same... For example, they could look for a quick date and sex, and you want to get to know them first...

[Asker]

I see, so since they see that my intentions are to get to know them so they back off instead?

[IslaTheWitch]

if you want something fast, you don't commit to long conversations...

[SotiCoto]

You haven't said anything particularly off-putting yet. So it might be something else.

[shortster]

Has anyone asked you out on a date?

[Asker]

Yeah, I've went out with them before

[shortster]

It sounds like you are doing well

[Anonymous]

How does it die off?

[Asker]

Initially when we match and start chatting it will seem like their interested. After a certain period of chatting, their responses will seem less interested and eventually we will stop texting each other altogether

[Asker]

They're interested*

[Opinion Owner]

Well do you think they're all dentists?

They're not going to pull teeth.😆 By your own admission your, "conversational skills are lacking". I can't know what type of guys you're talking to. But I'm going to guess guys with options. Guys with options are going to exercise those options when the woman doesn't seem that tuned in. And since the majority of women who use dating apps are not tuned in, you're going to find yourself relegated to a fallback pretty quickly unless you prove you're not that woman. That's just the way it is. Welcome to online dating.

[Asker]

Thing is, there were 1 or 2 guys that I chatted with and responded rather fast, but it still turned out that way though

[JayBones2469]

You are boring or not slutty enough

[QuietRunner]

it could be the guys too

[Asker]

Meaning?

[QuietRunner]

maybe they don't flirt for a long time

[Asker]

I see, may I know what do you suggest for the next step to be in this case?

[QuietRunner]

you'll have to pm me for more