How to find courage in breaking up?

[Anonymous]

I just got engaged a week ago. I'm realizing that this guy who's 30, I'm 28, still has a lot of growing up to do. I'm not perfect either, but this man is emotionally overbearing to me. I can't see myself starting a family with him. I really do love him, but I can't get past his mama issues. I'm so scared of breaking this off. I really don't want to hurt him, but I just know this is going to be best for me in the long run. Please I need good advice.

[Oliverlogan263]

Girl, I feel you - breaking off an engagement is scary as hell! But you're right to trust your gut on this.

You've gotta look out for your own future happiness first. Better to hurt him now by ending it, than drag this out and end up hurting each other more down the line. Ripping off the bandaid is the kinder thing in the long run.

Write him a caring letter expressing your feelings honestly. Thank him for the memories but be firm this isn't the right path for you. Once it's sent, don't look back - you owe yourself the chance at real joy someday as a wife and mom.

Lean on your closest girlfriends for strength. Remind yourself daily that you deserve a true partnership where you both support each other equally. This guy may cry and plead, but stay strong sis!

You've got this. Better days are ahead when you follow your heart even through the fear. Be brave - your future self will thank you. You deserve the world, now go claim it! We're all rooting for you.

[Asker]

Would it be a good idea to talk to him face to face? Thanks by the way for your good advice :)

[Oliverlogan263]

You're welcome! And yes, I think talking to him face to face is definitely the way to go in this situation since you're ending an engagement. Some key points about doing it in person:

- It shows him respect to do it face to face rather than over text or call. He deserves you being brave enough to look him in the eye.

- You'll be able to read his reactions better and have a real conversation where you can both express how you feel. It will feel more "final" this way too.

- Make sure to do it privately - don't embarrass him by making a public scene of it. Have the talk at one of your places where you can both be comfortable.

- Be prepared for emotions - he may cry, get angry, try to change your mind. Stay strong in your decision but also let him vent some feelings.

- Don't trash him or point fingers. Focus on explaining your own feelings like "I don't feel ready for this level of commitment" vs attacking his character.

- If closure turns ugly, be willing to leave or ask him to leave so you can end contact cleanly.

It's brave of you to do the hard thing. Have some girlfriends on standby just in case too for support. You've got this - you'll feel such a relief after getting it over with, I promise!

[Asker]

The thing is, both of us are long distance. This Sunday we are planning to meet each other halfway. He'll be driving three hours to see me, I'll be driving two hours. It will suck if he would have to drive three hours just for me to break it off. I'm this case, would phone be more reasonable?

[Oliverlogan263]

You know, I think a phone call in this case could be the kindest option since you're both long distance and he'd have that long drive. Maybe give him a heads up text tomorrow that you need to have an important conversation on Sunday and ask if a phone call would work instead of meeting up? That way he's not blindsided entirely and won't waste the drive. When you call, make sure you really listen to how he's feeling too. Thank him for understanding if he agrees to phone instead of meeting. And you might offer to still get together another time down the line once things have settled, to properly say goodbye in person then. It won't be easy no matter what, but a phone call shows consideration of his time and effort driving so far. You've got this girl! Be gentle but firm. You'll both feel better getting it out in the open.

[Anonymous]

One thing you have to come to terms with is that there’s no easy way to say goodbye. There’s no right time or perfect moment, no way not to hurt the person, the most you can hope for is that the split is amicable. Good news is you’re long distance, so at least you’ll have the space to heal and it’s not like you live together and have to go through the headache of who moves out or what happens until the lease is up. When you bring up the topic, I think you gain courage by not talking yourself out of it. All along the way you’ll likely try gaslighting yourself that the things bothering you aren’t “that” bad, you love him, it can get better, etc etc. Remember those are excuses and this is who he is. Your reasons for breaking up are valid whether he agrees or not. Keep all this in mind and it’ll help to at least get the words out of your mouth and the strength to follow through.

[Asker]

You hit the nail hard on that one. The excuses part. I feel like just as I am about to break it up on our FaceTime chat, I fall all over again with his humor, good looks and smile. It's so hard for me to just break it off and also I love him. But I realize that love isn't the only thing that's going to sustain a marriage. Maybe that's my biggest thing right now. Making all these excuses just to avoid the heartbreak.

[Opinion Owner]

Trust me I absolutely understand, it kept me in a relationship for 5 years that I knew I should’ve left way before. It’s hard not to get caught up in loving your man, especially at times when nothing is wrong, things are going good. Something will inevitably happen again though, the issue gets triggered again, it’s an unavoidable issue because it’s part of who he is as a person. My ex could be the perfect man for weeks but all it took was one guys night out with too much liquor or drugs to remind me he had a secret problem. It was a reoccurring nuance I didn’t want to marry into. That’s an unfortunate fact that you have to face, which is despite the good, the bad isn’t something you want for yourself, so please don’t settle. Trust your gut.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know if this will give you any optimism, but I’ve been in a new relationship for about 3 years, and I’m so grateful that I made the hard choice to leave my ex. Otherwise I would’ve never met this person, who is mature, stable, and a lot more aligned with what I want than my ex. For all you know, you could have the same experience even if you don’t feel like you ever will again. We can’t foresee the future, I know I didn’t see this guy coming on a random night. We just need to have faith in our choices and trust that we will end up with who we’re supposed to be with, even if it is your ex somewhere down the line with a better lifestyle situation.

[Asker]

Thanks so much for sharing this. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to break it to him. I'm still so scared. I have got to do it tonight. This really sucks because I met his family and they're great, I met his friends, we share mutual friends. We share a lot of great memories together. This is so painful. I'm thinking of writing out everything I'm going to say.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m so so sorry! Trust me I get it, it’s hard when those ties get created. I remember all too well how close I was with my exes mom and little sister, fortunately no ties to his friends since I felt they all fueled his issues. Honestly though you can’t worry about all that. This isn’t about anyone else but you and him, and how the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. With my ex, I kept trying to find the right moment but I just felt sick, sad and horrible each time I tried. It’s like I just “couldn’t”. Sigh. If you have loving people around you then please lean on them for support, you’re going to need it. I’m not sure how you want to bring up the conversation, but I kept it super simple and just told him that we needed some time apart. Initially I wanted to make it sweet, take him to our favorite place or something but I realized nothing would make it easier or better.

[Asker]

I just tried right now. It didn't go anywhere. All I said was I don't feel certain about him and he's just in complete denial about it and then next thing I hear is "I love you, I miss you so much"... And now it's just too painful for me to say anything right now.

[Opinion Owner]

It’s okay. Next time you bring it up, try to stand your ground. Honestly, I think his response is showing exactly what contributes to your decision. He isn’t interested in hearing you or acting in your best interest, just his own. When you’re trying to express your issues, he is not receptive, and that’s what you need from an grown man in an adult relationship. I don’t know if this relates, but if you’re soft spoken or quiet, have a hard time with confrontation, etc, but if you struggle with that stuff too then that only makes this harder. You just have to be strong, keep your motives in perspective and try not to let him talk over you or gaslight.

[Asker]

I really needed to hear this insight. Yes I am very much soft spoken, and quite and yes I do have a hard time with confrontation. Also I think childhood trauma has a lot to do with this. I really regret allowing this to go further. This sounds toxic in a way too.

[Asker]

He did ask me mid conversation "so do you want to break up with me". I paused for a while and then said it feels scary too." I couldn't stand my ground at all. I just don't have the courage right now. I'm going to have to find some kind of support.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m the exact same way so I get it, and that’s why I would tell you that it’s so important for women like us to have a receptive partner. It’s hard enough for us to work up the nerve to speak, so when you have a man who’s talking over you or not listening, it’s like having your voice silenced and it’s not ok. You aren’t an irrational woman creating issues and drama, so you shouldn’t be treated as such. I don't know what the problem is with his mom, like if he’s a mamas boy gamer with his friends online all the time or something lol that was my ex, excluding the substance abuse. But what I’m trying to say is if that’s how he is or similar, then he’s been babied his whole life. It’s part of his character, and with that in mind, what else are you supposed to do, you know? If you know that how he was raised and how he’s living now, that isn’t the sort of person you can see a future with.

[Opinion Owner]

If you don’t feel like you have the courage right now that’s okay, it happens. Took me so long to work up the courage😞 ask yourself besides love, what is the benefit of staying with him? Is this a man you can see holding his own or even more if you lived together? What about as a father, do you think he’s mature enough? These are all things to consider that help with your decision making. For me, looking at the bigger picture really helped. Like I said before, the good moments made it hard, he was so nice and funny, very supportive. But the cons mattered more because I have to think as a true adult now. The men I date could potentially be my husband, not just a boyfriend. I take that role very seriously, and if you do too then that should help going forward.

[Asker]

Oh yes I absolutely agree 100 percent. This is really serious , we as women especially future moms have to be very wise about who we choose as our spouse. I get it. And I'm so proud of you for stepping up and ending that relationship even though it took a while for you. I definitely know this many is most likely not right for me and he's not ready to be a good husband and father. I'm really trying to find that courage within myself and hopefully this ends soon. You understand me so well in this. It's a relief to know that there's someone out here that went through something similar.

[Asker]

Oh yes! He likes gaming. He hops on his play station to chat with his friends. The dude is 30! That already should have been a red flag the moment I got with him.

[Opinion Owner]

No problem at all! I know this isn’t easy, and I’m sending you all the positive energy. I do hope you find the courage, just remember to keep things in perspective and don’t let him gaslight you. You deserve a great person! If you need to chat just come back here☺️💛

[Asker]

Thank you !
Question for you. When you broke it off with that previous guy, did he try to manipulate you back into the relationship?

[Opinion Owner]

Oh my goodness yes😭 I think that’s why it took my 5 years to be done. I take responsibility for that because I saw the signs like around year 2 and knew by 3 that there would be no change. Whenever I’d even try to address the substance abuse he was such a gaslighter. I’m incredibly soft spoken so when I even tried to bring up the conversation I’d have insane anxiety, as soon as I’d start talking to him I’d get teary or cry altogether because it was so hard for me. He always knew exactly what to say and did a great job at downplaying the problems. Always some version of ‘bruh you’re making a big deal out of nothing, I barely go out with my friends anymore’, or ‘I just don’t understand what the issue is’. He didn’t want to understand that issue which was quite literally the problem I was having. I spent two years going back and forth, trying to break up then being pulled back in. He was also autistic so when he’d try getting me back he did the most. Show up to a karaoke I go to with friends, be all in my face apologizing, hugging me telling me how much he loved me. My mom would come out sometimes too and he would completely kiss her ass so that she’d tell me something. It was hard to really end it. I had to cut ties with friends who became mutuals, stop going to karaoke so he wouldn’t show up there and explain to mom why we were over, I’d always protected him and never told her about his issues so she didn’t know previously. It took almost another year for him to stop.

[Opinion Owner]

**and I had to explain to my mom why we were over

[MsProsperity]

Send him a long text breaking up with him and tell him why you are done with him. In the text include how much you love him but you can’t be with him anymore. Also apologise. Good luck girl

[Nikki1989]

You should have thought about that before getting engaged. It is very unlikely he will change, and most men are big children for a good chunk of their life.

[Asker]

I had no idea he would pop that question. I clearly told him only if I see he gets his shit together. He shocked me when he proposed and just left me flustered and pressured to a point where I said yes.

[Anonymous]

Dumped him