Was I wrong because I didn't check in on her after a cancer scare?

[Anonymous]

I am dating this woman. In April, she received an abnormal mammogram, so in May she had another one. Her doctor advised her to get a biopsy in July. During all of these tests, she shared with me that she had anxiety and worry. She had her biopsy and it came back cancer-free. But now, she is pissed and hurt because I didn't call her during the week of her biopsy or when she got her results. I'm out of town on business. I texted her. She feels that she needed a call from me. She brought up how when my mother was in the hospital, she called and offered to fly over to support me. I told her that I had my cousin but thank you for the offer. I am not her so I don't do what she does. Was I supposed to call her or send flowers or something? She feels I don't really care about her, now.

Updates

1 y

I forgot to add... or go to her home to be with her after her biopsy. She mentioned a hug or something more caring besides texting "you are strong."

[RebelinSteel]

Well it’s not even if you were dating someone, if they were a friend (male or female) you would call them and chat to them, reassurance etc. That’s what friends do.

Now if you are dating someone, dating, relationship then marriage, yes 100% you call them, visit them.

Someone posted a question yesterday and the difference between being married and in a relationship and there is not really much difference.

If the person you potentially are going to marry is in a highly emotional situation, then yeah you talk to them.

[Asker]

Ouch. I did not think about it that way. If she was one of my closest friends I would have driven her to the test, and probably took her out somewhere nice after she got the cancer-free results. She is the sweetest and I seem to keep disappointing her. She says I am disrespectful and unkind to her.

[Lliam]

Breast cancer is no joke. She must have been extremely frightened.
You basically showed her that you didn't really care.

If I had a good friend who confided her situation to me, even if she wasn't my girlfriend, I would call and let her pour our her fears. I would empathize with her, try to reassure her, and offer to help in any way I could. I would keep checking in to see how she was doing.

If she was my girlfriend, I would do that and more. I would do everything possible for the biopsy. I would get to her as soon as I could, bring her flowers, and hold her in my arms. I would send her a card with a hand-written note. I would show her that she would count on my no matter what.

But I guess you're not boyfriend material. It doesn't sound like you really care about others.

[Alli112]

Y'all clearly have different expectations of behavior and it sounds like she's prepared to put in more effort than you. You're a little bit lame for not putting more effort in to support your person during an obviously difficult time (most people don't consider tests to be as meaningful/appropriate for important interactions if that wasn't obvious), but also I don't know what the state of y'alls relationship is exactly, so it's hard to say what you "should have done" and her effort doesn't actually determine yours. You guys should definitely have a good conversation to better understand each other's expectations and needs from your relationship, because this is not likely to work out if you don't get on the same page together.

[Account]

Apparently she likes you more than you like her. Poor girl can't even realize the fact that she is wasting her time with you.
If you were truly into her you would do that without even thinking about it. If you like someone you don't even consider that as effort you just do it effortlessly. You merely don't give much of a shit about her and I am more than positive that I am right about this even if you deny it.

[RebelinSteel]

@Account spot on.

[Account]

@RebelinSteel It always makes me wonder, why do people get into relationships with other people while they don't care about them? Is it the fear of being alone that makes them get into relationships even though they are apparently using those people as placeholders? I have no idea

[RebelinSteel]

@Account yes it seems that way at times, or a tick box exercise, must have relationship. The question just seems devoid of emotion.
As we know, you need that emotion, that ability to care before even getting to the relationship bit.
For many it does seem to be more the physical aspect they date for without the emotional or much emotional.

[OlderAndWiser]

You texted her? You were so busy that you didn't have time to call her? No one. . . NO ONE believes that.

If that is the extent of your caring, you should avoid serious relationships.

[BetaBucks]

Nah, I'm on your side. I've had two cancers scares and didn't need calls from everyone in my life. Didn't even need texts. Even after the surgery for one, I didn't anyone to pamper me. You texted, you checked on her. If she didn't like that you didn't act dramatic about it, then you can see the kind of person she is. She'll always be self-centered and dramatic. And you don't seem to be the type to play into it. So you two might struggle on that point, alone.

[rosemilk]

if you're dating someone, yes, it should be required to check in on them on such a serious issue

[Asker]

She is very independent and capable of taking care of herself. So a call or visit or flowers are required? I texted her and cheered when she got the results. She says it feels cold and uncaring because I didn't call her.

[Asker]

She says she needs someone who is emotionally intelligent, available, and mature. Seems like nerdiness.

[rosemilk]

i see, girls can be different. we like being shown we are cared and for her maybe a call/visit/flowers is seen as caring and a text is just too cold and impersonal