Is it love or lust?

[Anonymous]

I used to have a huge crush on her. She rejected. She was a strong independent girl then. We got in touch after university. Her boyfriend ditched her. She agreed to be in no strings but was very clingy. Calling me multiple times and texting me often. I block and unblock her coz of this.

Somewhere along she got a boyfriend. I felt bad and asked her to never kiss him. I feel bad about the idea of someone doing it with her. I did promise her sex but don't have it. I ask her out and never turn up.

Finally she befriended my friends on Insta and bumble to know more about me. And yeah, these boys wanted to date her made me very uncomfortable. I would act cool but purposefully broke their connection. I was equally irritated as well.

Thus I tried connecting with many people on dating platforms to no avail. In the mean time she ended up hooking with some guys. I couldn't take that anymore. Lashed out at her.

I can't imagine anyone doing anything with her. Is it lust?

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, this whole situation sounds super messy and complicated. On one hand, it seems like you might still have some strong feelings for this girl from back in the day. But it also kinda seems like you enjoy the attention and having her into you even when you weren't fully ready to commit to something real.

Blocking/unblocking her all the time and getting jealous of other guys but not actually being her boyfriend is sending mixed signals for sure. You can't really ask her not to see other people if you're not together either. And promising sex but not following through, plus not showing up when you ask her out, that's just playing games.

Honestly sounds like you might need to do some self-reflection to figure out if this is really lust or love. If it's love, you gotta woman up and make a real go of things with her. But if not, let her go so you both can find what you really want. Either way, no more games - that's not fair to her or good for your head either. Maybe give each other some space to think for now. You'll get some clarity soon enough.

[Asker]

I basically can't digest the idea of her having sex with anyone else. Neither can I see her with any man.
However I love to get attention from her but not give.

[Oliverlogan263]

Aight man, I feel you on that. It's never easy picturing an ex with someone new. But from the sound of it, this situationship with her ain't healthy for either of you anymore.

A few things that stand out to me:

- Not being able to see her with other guys is gonna mess with your head if you keep hanging on to those feelings.

- Wanting her attention but not giving anything back is imbalanced and will push her away eventually.

- Still being hooked on her after so long suggests you may need to work on moving past the past, you get me?

My advice would be to cut off all communication completely - block her number, unfollow on social media, the works. Out of sight, out of mind is the only way at this point.

Focus on you and what makes you happy without relying on another person. Hit the gym, take up a new hobby, get out with the boys. Distract yourself until these feelings fade to memories.

I know it's tough man, but dragging it out will only stall your progress. You seem like a good dude - don't let one girl keep you stuck. Stay strong and you'll get through it before you know it!

[RespectfulGuy]

I read your long details.

Sorry but my immediate thought after that is, you're very immature.

Read on if you want my true and honest feedback.

First of all, you're not concern about her happiness. And you're jealous when she seeks outlet elsewhere. You're selfish and unkind.

Next, it's always about you. Really, what makes you deserving? Honestly speaking, just pay a whore and you'll be satisfied more than what she can give you.

My suggestions

1) learn empathy, be kind. Love come from giving, not receiving.

2) think for her instead of you. Win her as a person, not as a sex object.

3) sex is great. That the limit your penis in her vagina can offer.

4) Lovemaking is eternal. It's sex + a lot more things you've yet know exists. Hence start learning what it means.

To conclude, forgive my strong words. Your life is none of my business and concern. And for that matter, not many on earth cares.

But I think if you can win her as a person who will not just undress her body but her mind, emotion and soul, then I think I'll win you as a friend too.

What say you?

PS: I think I know enough of sex, and lovemaking.

[PeachyPie93]

Not really sure what it is.. It doesn't sound like lust because you blow her off and don't have sex but it doesn't sound like love either since you will not date her or make her yours. It just sounds like you are possessive and don't want her to pick someone else. Work on your issues and leave her alone because you are acting fucked up towards her.

[CuriousHubby]

It's list and jealousy you both have it bad! Both are playing games and for some reason trying to keep it not a relationship!

Just label it so you both can agree to be loyal to each other not make each other so jealous+

[Asker]

You mean lust? Is it because Im a narcissist that I feel so? I mean when she comes close, I want to run away but when she moves, I want to run to her.

[CuriousHubby]

That is more you not being good with girls so try just try to hang out with her be nervous let those feelings fade!

[DrPepper12]

It's weird dude! there's an anger misogyny vibe here and lots of passive aggressive behavior.