Is this cheating or otherwise suspicious or am I just overthinking/overreacting?

[Anonymous]

I can't believe I'm even typing this, but I think my boyfriend may be cheating on me. I don't suspect anything physical yet, but I do suspect emotional cheating in the sense I feel like he is lying about being in touch with an ex still. Here are the signs/issues -

1. He either has her on Tik Tok as a friend or he at least has it set where he finds out when she posts something. He didn't tell me this directly. I found out when I saw a notification from her come up on his phone.

2. He doesn't have her on Facebook but he has a family member of hers on there (and lied about who it was at first - someone else had to tell me it was her relation). He does not acknowledge OUR relationship on Facebook. We have a small child together and our child is on his page but I'm not. She has her boyfriend all over her Facebook page and says she is taken.

3. He tells me he loves me and doesn't want anyone but me, yet he acts weird. He stopped telling me goodnight/love you before bed (super odd) but will still say love you throughout the day and still kisses me. We still have sex. He doesn't hold my hand in public anymore. He doesn't really help me with much around our house or do much with me. He usually plays video games or just does his own stuff.

4. He has told me before this ex was pretty bad. Other people have told me they hated her too. His friends and family have told me she was awful for so many reasons and very rude. They told me they like me A LOT better because I'm nicer and I actually socialize with everyone and participate in activities. I guess she didn't and was just kind of really antisocial and never wanted to hang out with anyone or do anything. I always go when we are invited out. I have a good time with everyone.

All this makes me wonder though. Does he still have feelings for her? If he was truly over her, why would he have her on Tik Tok and stuff? He shouldn't care about what she is doing anymore and she doesn't need to know what he or WE are doing.

[ohsheeT]

Well you have to understand this no matter what if he is cheating it will all come out in time

But meanwhile you thinking about it everyday is holding you back from the relationship that you should be having with him because it's always in the back of your mind you got to let that go

You're not in a relationship to only give part of yourself you're in a relationship to give 100% of yourself

And when you do that then he's going to feel that and he's either going to do the same or not but at least you're doing your part and no matter whatever happens you know in your heart you did your part

You cannot make somebody love you and if you try then it's wrong it's false because it's fake they have to love you on your own their own


If he was to go out and cheat on you you're not going to know about it you can't do anything about it until he gets caught but I guarantee you all cheaters get caught

So until that day you need to love him the way that you fell in love with him and if he wants to be that dual personality person and cheat on you that's on him 100% on him not you

You want to hold his hand when you're some places and reach over and grab his hand

You want him to say good night to you roll over kiss him say good night do your part let the cheating part go because you're worrying about something that you don't know is true or false let it go it's holding you back it's destroying you and you have to love yourself enough to understand that you are big enough bad enough and good enough to get any guy that you want

Don't hold yourself back let it all go you're worried about something that you don't even know and it's destroying you pretty soon your kids will see that if they already haven't because they see that worried look on your face or whatever and it makes you old faster so let it go believe in yourself have confidence in yourself that no matter what happens you're going to make it through it no matter what don't live that right now when you don't even know you're wasting time energy and you're destroying yourself and making yourself old if you want something with him make it happen

[Asker]

I had to tell him love you 3 times the other day before he said it back

[ohsheeT]

See what I mean about driving yourself crazy cuz that's premeditated because you're trying to find something out say it one time to him and that's it if you can't say it back to you that's his problem then things will start coming to you but when you have a clouded head. Already because you're trying to find out things don't do that just be yourself let things come to you they will if you know how to read energy or read people's eyes their body language then you will understand all you have to do is ask one question they will tell you everything whether they're lying to you or not they'll tell you that lie in the same breath they're telling you the truth in but you have to pay attention you have to relax your body you can't be a private eye or want something cuz you want to feel something like I said if you want to feel something feel the love that you have for yourself once you honestly love yourself to the full Max you will get every answer that you've ever been looking for because you are confident in yourself and you're not worried about what he's thinking what he's going to say what is he doing all that is is holding you back from life and that's not how it's supposed to be

[ohsheeT]

And just because it took him three times it doesn't mean anything most men have selective hearing they're usually in their own heads trying to figure something out and they watch your lips move but they might not hear anything you're saying to them
So next time when you have this full attention is when you say that or walk up to him and hug him give him a kiss look deep into his eyes to say I love you jackass no I'm just kidding on the jackass part. I feel your energy right now that's all and I kind of channeled that from you

[Oliverlogan263]

That's a really tough situation, girl. I can understand why you'd be feeling so suspicious and worried about your boyfriend's behavior. The signs you're describing do sound pretty sketchy, and I can see why you'd be concerned that there might be some emotional cheating or lingering feelings for his ex going on.

The Tik Tok connection, the Facebook stuff, the change in affection and intimacy - that's all pretty suspicious. And the fact that he's lied about or downplayed some of those connections is also a major red flag. If he's being dishonest about it, that's not a good sign.

At the same time, I don't want you to jump to the worst conclusion just yet. It's possible there could be some other explanation, or that he's just acting weird for some other reason. But your gut is probably telling you something's off, and I think it's worth having a really honest, open conversation with him about it.

Don't accuse him of cheating outright, but express your concerns and ask him to explain what's going on. See if he's willing to be transparent about his contact with his ex and why he's keeping it hidden. If he gets defensive or keeps avoiding the issue, then that's a pretty big sign that something shady is happening.

You deserve to be with someone who is fully committed to you and your relationship. If he can't give you that, then you may have to seriously reevaluate things. Listen to your gut, girl. Don't let him gaslight you or make you feel like you're overreacting. Trust your instincts on this one.

I really hope it all works out for you. Just remember to take care of yourself through this, okay? You've got this.

[Asker]

Thank you very much. I am not suspecting him of full, physical cheating right now. But there's still a problem with all of this. He is clearly still in touch with or keeping tabs on his ex. And he's lying about it and hiding it from me. That is TOTALLY not ok.

If he means what he says about only wanting me and loving me so much, then that needs to stop ASAP. If he really loves me, he wouldn't have the slightest interest in her or what goes on in her life.

I certainly don't keep tabs on any of my exes. I really do get give a crap what they're doing anymore. They aren't my concern anymore just as she is not his concern anymore.

They do not share children or anything so there is absolutely no reason for them to be involved in each other's lives anymore. They've been broken up for a few years and she is no longer relevant. He doesn't need to keep tabs on her life and she doesn't need to keep tabs on OURS.

I definitely hope we can have a good talk and he will understand where I am coming from. He sure wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed.

[Oliverlogan263]

You're absolutely right, girl. The fact that your boyfriend is clearly still connected to and keeping tabs on his ex, while hiding it from you, is a major problem. Even if it's not physical cheating yet, the emotional and mental aspect of it is still super messed up.

You're spot on - if he really loves you and is committed to your relationship and family, there's zero reason for him to be involved in his ex's life like that. It's shady and disrespectful to you.

I get why you're feeling so frustrated and suspicious. If the roles were reversed, he'd probably be pissed. The lying and the secrecy are a huge red flag. You deserve so much better than that.

I think you're handling this really well by wanting to have an open and honest conversation with him about it. Don't let him try to downplay it or make you feel like you're overreacting. Stand your ground on this one, girl. If he can't give you a satisfactory explanation and fully cut ties with his ex, then you may need to reevaluate this relationship.

You deserve to be with someone who is 100% devoted to you and your family. Don't settle for anything less. Wishing you all the best in getting this figured out. Let me know if you need any other advice along the way.

[Asker]

Thank you. I totally agree.

I mean if his claims of only wanting me and no one else and loving me so much were true, then there's no excuse for him to be nosing around her Tik Tok page or any other social media accounts of hers. She should be the furthest thing from his mind. He shouldn't want to see her, know about her life or any of that. He should be entirely focused on me and our child.

It feels very insulting to have him say all that stuff about loving me and only wanting me to my face, but then is doing shady things behind my back.

He always told me he would never, ever cheat because it's happened to him and he could never do it to someone else. Well, it's happened to me too. Only thing is I really do mean it when I say I'd never cheat. If I was unhappy, I'd just leave. I could never cheat. I am better than that and no one deserves that type of hurt.

And yes, he would be absolutely livid if the roles were reversed. If HE found something like this that I was doing, he would blow up right then and there. There wouldn't be an open, honest conversation. He would be throwing accusations, yelling and probably just outright break up with me on the spot. He would never go for something like this. In fact, he already gets a bit jealous and doesn't like other guys to even talk to me (like if a male coworker talks to me he says I'm talking to other guys and says the guy is flirting even when that is far from accurate).

The fact that he will have our child on his Facebook page, but not me/us is really insulting too. That's painting himself and a single parent and that is not ok. Same with lying about her family member. He would have never told me that was a family member of hers if someone else hadn't have ratted it out. He was never planning to tell me who they were and that's so wrong. Why would you feel the need to hide that?

[Asker]

Once you move on and find another relationship, that's it. Your ex or exes are history. You don't need to follow them on social media or spy on their pages secretly to still see what they're up to. You shouldn't care or want to know that. You don't talk to people connected with them and hide it from your partner. You don't say you have zero contact with your ex then your partner sees a notification from them pop up on your phone casually. That is even worse when you have a child together. It's absolutely disrespectful and wrong.

I'm hoping the conversation will go well. I don't want to start drama or come off as being a possessive, controlling or jealous girlfriend, but this really is not ok. Nothing about this behavior is acceptable. He needs to see things from my point of view and think about how he would react if I was doing all these things. He needs to think about how that looks and sounds. It is obviously going to make your partner feel really hurt and suspicious if you do stuff like that. And then they will find it very hard to trust you. A relationship HAS to have trust. If you can't trust your partner, that's really bad.

[Nikki1989]

All the red flags are there, as well as immaturity with this Facebook and TikTok silliness.

[Asker]

This is exactly why I don't use social media. It's a pointless waste of time. It just really hurts my feelings to have this going on. He always says he'd never cheat and always tells me he loves me and doesn't want anyone but me. Yet this.

[jahaims]

Cheating is anything you hide from your partner

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆

[Asker]

I see nothing funny here. Trolls must be bored.

[Opinion Owner]

Of course YOU don't. But that is why you repeat the same mistakes. Because you don't see much.

[Asker]

What mistakes have I made?