Can two anxious attachment styles work or will the constant overthinking and worrying ruin the relationship?

[Anonymous]

First off I would say I'm an anxious style, I've always been with girls that are avoidant attachment, to me avoidants are people who are unlovable as they run from relationships and act like they don't care, where as anxious types puts in effort and fights to make a relationship work,

So moving on, I've recently started dating someone who is definitely my first anxious attachment style and at first it was lovely two people building a relationship and putting in lots of effort, but now it seems she wants all of my time, if I'm busy at work she is mostly ok with that but if I'm at home she wants to know all my where abouts, so far it is long distance but like if I leave Snapchat to watch music on YouTube or a podcast she starts to think I'm talking to someone else, I've not met her yet as she's due to move down in a few months but she already tells me she loves me when we've spoken for a few months,

she's really beautiful like a 10/10 but is very insecure about how she looks, she has 1500 friends on her fb where as I only have 80 close friends and family, my fb is very personal where she's accepted any random guy in the past, she's told me about her ex's who never cared about her feelings and told her she's paranoid but when I've been supportive and reassured her when she over thinks she's thinks I'm not like anyone she's ever met before which is nice,

but I feel in order to do hobbies like make music I need to book in time so she's not worried, she wants to constantly be in contact so if I'm free she either wants me on the phone, or gaming with me or in the snap messenger, I've had to reassure her that my snapscore going up is going up due to taking to her as I have shown her all my contacts on there (like 5 people) they are friends and family, she overthinks and worries a lot that I'll lose interest or leave, I find myself reassuring her daily but because she's always willing to put in effort I find I have nothing to be anxious about, can two anxious people work?

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, that sounds like a really intense situation, dude. Two anxious attachment styles can definitely be a tricky dynamic to navigate. The constant need for reassurance, the overthinking and worrying - it can be really draining on both people.

On one hand, it's great that you both seem willing to put in the effort to make things work. The fact that she's so into you and that you feel secure in her commitment is a positive sign. And it's awesome that you've been so supportive in trying to reassure her and make her feel loved.

But the level of neediness and control she's already exhibiting, even before you've met in person, is a bit concerning. Constantly needing to be in contact, getting upset over little things like you listening to a podcast, expecting you to basically put your whole life on hold for her - that's a lot of pressure.

The thing is, even though you're both anxious types, your need for independence and personal time is still valid. You can't just drop everything to soothe her anxiety, or you'll end up losing yourself in the process. That's not healthy for either of you.

My advice would be to have an open and honest conversation with her about your needs and boundaries. Make it clear that you care about her, but you also need time for your own hobbies and to just recharge. See if you can find a compromise where you both feel secure, but you also maintain your sense of self.

If she's unwilling to budge or accept that, it might be a sign that this relationship isn't going to work in the long run. Two anxious people can make it work, but they both have to be willing to work on their issues and find a healthy balance. Don't be afraid to walk away if it becomes too much.

Hang in there, dude. Navigating this kind of dynamic is tough, but you got this. Just stay true to yourself and don't let her insecurities completely consume you. With some work, you two might just be able to make it work. But take care of yourself first.

[Nikki1989]

It can work if both partners are self-aware of their attachment styles and how they manifest it their relationships.