How can a person stop being afraid of love and go for it?

Question

So I’m currently 35 and I haven’t dated since I was like 22. Young love. I know I took myself out of the dating world for years. I’ve talked to guys. My first and only real relationship only lasted for three months. After a while I’ve talked to different guys. A friend of mine introduced me to a guy that wanted to meet me. I was hesitant at first, but I gave it a chance but the thing is, he lived in a different state so it was like a long distance. He texted me sweet morning messages and I replied back but it didn’t work and he ended up meeting someone else which is fine. It wasn’t going to work anyways. I needed to work on myself.
I’m still working on my grief from he death of my mother last year. I know you’re like oh you had plenty of time. Well people are different. I’m not going let it hold me back from dating but I just don’t want to pour the grief if I go on a date with someone.
I almost forgot what dating feels like.
I feel like I’m being pressured because I’m 35, five years away from being 40.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

Ok. First of all I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I just lost both parents 3 months apart. My dad first he was in another state and them my mom

If you were your mom's caretaker. It's even harder. For me it was the hardest job I've ever had in my life I haven't dated for 4 years. Because that's when I had my mom move in from my sister's houes.. but any way. You have to find yourself again at the same time you mourn your mom. So it's going to be hard. It has been for me. No I take that back I couldn't work the last 18 months of her life.
And I just about lost everything so I have to get busy.
Once she past but I got that back undercontrol or at least cought up now I ask you some money in the bank. So I even feel good about taking somebody out. The only advice that I can give you Your mom is in a better place And I absolutely hate saying those words And I apologize for that My belief is that we are all energy and energy lives for Forever I know that she is with you and she wants you So That's what you have to. Do you have to let it go? You're going to hold it in your heart forever

Fir me my parents are still with me. We just do t see each other every day but I know that there ok and will be ok.. Yes for me since I know this it makes it easier on me I talk to girls on line I role play I share feelings and emotions and touch in passion and Central everything. I can find myself again so I can get myself back.
Do I wish to who I am?

But i'm not going to worry if somebody likes me or doesn't like me because I don't care lol. I like me I love myself and I know when I find the right person they will fall head over heels for me. That might sound like ego or whatever, but it's not.
I just know who I am and that's what you have to. Do you need to find yourself and be happy with yourself and just let it go if somebody doesn't like you who cares that just means your not meant to be with them change the rule be your self it doesn't need to work out the first date. Your the boss you make your rules and let it go where you want it to go

serious · Accepted Answer

That is a really good question. Well a person being afraid of love is quite normal. Love itself is a risk and it requires courage to take that risk to love or to be in love and in order to do that one has to expose themselves to get hurt, to be vulnerable and that is something everyone is capable of doing.

For those people for whom protecting themselves from getting hurt is more important than taking chances and risks as far as love is concerned then obviously such people will hesitate or be even afraid to try. Another thing is some people have always been single (for years or since birth) and have only had friendships so their mindset has very rigid. For them love and dating is an uncharted territory.

Now, how to stop being afraid of this? Well there is no easy answer for this. However, some steps can be followed like for eg first friendship and then if that is good then dating etc.

In your case, I think it has been a long time since you dated and plus you lost someone very close and yes in some instances death does change a person to a great extent, especially if the person is of the emotional type. Maybe you are not the same person as you were before.

Finchie40 · Answer

First off I’m sorry to hear about your Mom , I just lost my Mom not to long ago as well , and my life hasn’t been the same without her. Second , if you want to stop being afraid of love then the best thing for
You to do is to take things slow with someone and be open and honest with them about how you feel , if that person likes you and wants to continue seeing you , they will take things slow with you with as well. You don’t have to answer to anyone just do what you feel is best for yourself and treat someone the same way you want to be treated. Relationships are all about giving and receiving , and communication, and honesty if you can’t do that for someone, don’t expect them to do that for you , a relationship needs to go both ways for it to work period , So my advice to you is to start off being friends’ with someone you are interested in on and take things slow without rushing into anything

DishLady · Answer

You're only ready when you're ready. There's no way to force or "jump start" this sort of thing.

lightbulb27 · Answer

I didn't hear the fear part, and that is relevant. So lets start to list out those childhood wounds/lies and traumas. Or is it shame? Both are powerful emotions that will screw your emotions so that rather than orienting off of love/joy/happiness, you drive off of fear... it's a terrible master. From that fear can come oaths and curses that will guide your thoughts. I lived that reality past age of 40. We are quite blind to what is controlling us.

We are all different, with different 'traumas' and how we personalized those traumas, as well as maturity.

You have to get to know yourself... that is the value of dating. when you get close to someone, it will expose your inner stuff. Then you can work on it. If you know your inner stuff or can find a way to work on it, then that's better. But it's hard, it helps to have a catalyst.

PS It's a cop out to say "it didn't work". That means one or both didn't put the work in and likely self sabotaged the connection. Sure distance is a problem.. but I met my wife 9 hour drive away and we worked it out. My relatives were an ocean apart... married with kids now.

I know people marrying after your age, you aren't done, but you do want to focus on what it is you want. Way to figure that is figure out what's on your gravestone and work backwards from that.

We are all need to work on ourselves, at different times. It's a growth process like peeling an onion.

It's not over til it's over...

OneViewpoint · Answer

Make all the excuses you want for yourself. The truth is you've squandered the best years of your dating life. You put yourself in this time paradox. Most women your age have already paired up if they want to. Meaning most men your age have too. Are you gonna find a guy, date, get married, and have kids before your biological clock runs out? Doubtful. Do you wanna be a 62 year old mom with kids graduating from college? And frankly, you're a red flag to any guy in his 30's looking for a serious relationship. He'll just move on to a younger woman without your self centered attitude and baggage. That's not what you want to hear but that's where you've placed yourself.

beldath · Answer

Dating isn't for everyone. There's no pressure. Just do you. To be honest, the dating world is horrible now.
However, it sounds like you are interested in dating, just not in any rush. It'll happen when you're ready.

I've been single for seven years. I wanted to date at first, but wasn't ready. I'm ready now, but there isn't anyone in my area.
I learned to be comfortable where I am at in life, and just do me. Everyone always says it'll happen. Maybe it will, and maybe it won't.

You have good friends from the sounds of it, and us crazy internet people rooting for you. Don't let your age be a mental factor in dating. You'll do fine.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

There is never a bad time to date.

You have to let someone in your life even when your life sucks, even when you don't have everything together, even when you're miserable.

Thats what a spouse is for, to be there for you even in the worst of times.

If you take time to "work on yourself" as an excuse to shut out your options, no guy will take you seriously.

He will think that as soon as he goes through a hard time, that you won't be there for him, because you don't expect him to be there for you when you go through a hard time.

DCVsMarvel · Answer

As a guy who doesn't want kids or marriage, I'm having a hard time finding a girl.

I met a girl the other day, who doesn't want those either. Same reasons. She just doesn't see the point in either. She's a young white girl by the way (if that matters to anyone).

I asked her, then how do you plan on dating. She said, I'm not. I'd rather not. I'm kind of socially awkward anyway, so I don't know if any guy would want me.

I wasn't really sure how to respond to that, but, I'm just saying, she's right. Why should she date, if she's like me, and doesn't want marriage or kids

Blunky · Answer

Is it love you're afraid of or being hurt? Very different things. Love is something we all strive for and unfortunately, we have to accept that sometimes we'll get hurt while seeking it. We aren't getting any younger so there's really no other option than to go for it while reasonably protecting ourselves with boundaries.

Anonymous · Answer

Well, first off, I am sorry for the loss of your mother; may she RIP. Second, unfortunately, as we get older, I don't think it's social pressure, but also, in the back of our minds, we know we have to get it done. Whether that's getting up for work, studying for an exam, or doing our taxes before a tax deadline. Guys and men get rejected farrr more often and even for myself I still have something inside of me that keeps saying, just try. I wouldn't do long distance relationships unless you both have a plan to eventually in the near future live with each other. Try local dating apps like Bumble or other serious apps, not Tinder. I heard Tinder is just for hooking up.

Anonymous · Answer

Real simple. You make the decision to or you don't. You don't seem like you really want to date. Or more accurately, you don't want to date that would require any undefineable effort on your part. You're only actuated by some self imagined expiration date. And that is the worst reason to date. It's not fair to him let alone you.

FreyaRed · Answer

I assure you won't find love that easily, so you shouldn't be afraid of it.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Persistence, openness & vulnerability are the keys. 35:is hardly an age to worry unless you want kids!

Smile456 · Answer

Take your time, go at your own pace, but it's nice when it happens. I need cuddles

jahaims · Answer

If you aren't introspective enough to heal your own trauma try therapy

MasterKS · Answer

You wasting your good time but with whom it matters, if you loose a right person its bad, if wrong person you are safe actually.

Sono83 · Answer

I'm five years past being forty and feel like you, although thank God my mother is still alive. My condolences on losing your mother.

NathanDavis · Answer

take your time...

Jennz6 · Answer

Are you divorced?

Anonymous · Answer

How is that possible?

Anonymous · Answer

Not if they are too shy.

Jay-_- · Answer

I don't know

How can a person stop being afraid of love and go for it?

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