Singles: are we subconsciously looking for a partner that is the same as us?

[Crimsyjo]

I think I'm pretty unique and it's hard to find a guy that can be what I want and accept me for who I am. And I feel like well maybe the only guy who will get me is one that is same as me! But seems impossible ti find. At least in my age group of guys as I don't act my age lol

[ohsheeT]

Yes I believe so Whether it be subconsciously whether it be consciously. It's powerful and has meaning to it.

I'm the same way but I can say this I keep getting closer and closer because every time I have found someone close . things happen and we go our separate ways the next one I find. Is even closer and closer to the person I'm looking for. ( l haven't dated for just about 4. years so I'm talking long distance relationship ships ) but I do know it will happen the same way when I start here very soon.. with me and probably with you to you know what you want you know what you need to be happy and , Content. that brings out the best it you

So if your laying in bed at night and you mind takes over and you take yourself to the peak and back It's not in your subconscience anymore. It's in your desires. Your watch that moment. .
So I believe you've been looking for this for a long time. And you're not getting anywhere.

So think about it and instead of doing what you usually go about it a different way

But.
At the same time.
Where are we diffor yes, it is. When i'm with the girl , I take her to that place where I want her to be Because.
It's hard. I think for girls to allow themselves to Let go

So I would say to you even When you are with a guy Do it completely different If you become aggressive.
Most guys run from that Try doing it a little bit more slow motion a lot more sensual It just become part of that moment

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

There is no generalized unconscious wish as the one you described I can think of? Unless we're going in the Jung direction: Collective unconscious, but it isn't a concept talking specifically about individuals, more about what would drive social groups, societies, in the background.

Otherwise, unconscious wishes seem completely personal, forged by... This intricate thing that we call a life story?

I don't wish for someone identical, I wished for someone's identity I can understand/relate to, simultaneously someone who could understand/relate to my identity

[Saggitariusdiva]

I get where you're coming from. It’s like, when you’re unique and different, finding someone who truly gets you can feel impossible. And yeah, sometimes it feels like the only person who could really understand you would have to be the same as you—someone who shares your mindset and vibes the same way. But here’s the thing: being with someone who’s exactly like you might sound like a perfect match at first, but it could also feel a little too easy. Real connection often comes from the differences between people—those little things that challenge you, make you grow, and bring new perspective into your life.

It’s true that as you grow older, especially in a certain age group, you might not always meet guys who “act” the way you expect them to. But that doesn’t mean you’re out of options. Sometimes the most unexpected people can surprise you with how well they understand you. The key is not necessarily finding someone who's the same, but someone who’s open to learning about who you are, someone who supports your uniqueness, and someone who’s willing to accept all those layers of you—quirks, wisdom, and all.

And, don’t forget, there’s no rush. The right person will find you when you’re not forcing it, not looking for someone to just fit the mold. They’ll be the one who sees you, not just the version you think you need.

[Crimsyjo]

That's a very good very mature answer. I picked it as MHO without looking at your age. It's not the reason I was gonna reply what I'm about to reply. But i get now why our age gap does have an impact on our different experiences.
In my much longer lifespan I've met maybe only two men who I felt really connected to. One became my husband. We were not same but close enough and accepting enough. However over the course of 12 years I grew and changed but he didn't. Even now, 15 years since we broke up, he hasn't changed. I've changed a lot. But I was 19 when I met him and he waa 31.

The next person I met after him we met at work and just clicked. Our sense of humour, goals, everything. We weren't perfect and had moments of arguments but I would say he was my soul mate. But he was gay guy. We did everything together like a married couple but relationships we had outside of eachother suffered. And other stuff happened.

That was like 14-15 years ago.

Since then I've met nobody I gel with that way. I was 8 years single and not looking and met no body. A "right guy" does not just rock up into your life. I've been actively dating and searching a year and half now and sometimes I do find people I click with. It's rare. But so good. However they are not guys I could have z relationship with. There isn't physical attraction or other reasons.

So... there's no rush you say? But there is. I'm 46 soon. I feel like I'm on my last ditch effort to find someone whilst I feel young at heart, fit and vibrant. Someone I can hopefully spend rest of my life with. Because honestly nowadays it's rare a relationship can last from like 18 or 20 or so and be forever.

[Saggitariusdiva]

I totally get where you’re coming from. It sounds like you had this deep, amazing connection with someone, and that’s not something you just forget. I can see why it would make you wonder if you’ll ever find that kind of connection again. But honestly, just the fact that you’ve stayed open to love, even through all the years of not actively looking, shows how strong your heart is.

I get it, the pressure to find someone as you get older is real, especially when you want to find someone to share your life with. It can feel like time is running out, but there’s really no “perfect” timeline for love. Sometimes it just hits you when you least expect it, and sometimes you have to search for it. The most important thing is to stay true to what you want and not settle just because you’re feeling the clock ticking. You want something real, something that lasts—and that’s definitely worth the wait.

Yeah, relationships today can be complicated, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find something lasting. It’s about finding someone who shares your values and goals, and who wants the same kind of future you do. You’ve got so much life ahead of you, and there’s still plenty of time to meet the right person—someone you connect with emotionally AND feel that spark with. Keep believing it’s out there for you, even if it takes time. There’s no rush, but I totally get how you’re feeling. You’re not alone, and I really hope you find someone who’s ready for this next chapter, too. 💖

[Crimsyjo]

Thank you. Your answers are truly outstanding.
I guess I see my mum trued and failed and is now old age on her own and has been since breaking yo with my dad over 40 years ago. She had a couple of disastrous relationships that's all. And accepted being alone forever.
But I've seen some women around me get into relationships over age 50.

I'm not interested in marriage. I've done the having kids. So I'm really looking for someone to have fun and companionship with. With the romantic passion side too.

The 19 Yr old I been hanging out with a lot feels a lot like my gay best friend relationship and I've been enjoying it. But I realise there is still something missing and I was maybe trying to make him fit the mold of what I'm looking for. Or maybe it's just the fact his age makes it impossible to have the deeper or romantic levels.

[Saggitariusdiva]

I totally get what you’re saying. It’s amazing that you know exactly what you want—a fun, passionate connection without the pressure of marriage or kids. That’s such a healthy perspective.

It’s great that you enjoy your time with the 19-year-old, but it sounds like you’re realizing there’s something deeper you're craving. Sometimes timing and life stages just don’t align, and that's okay. It’s not about trying to make someone fit what you need, but about finding the right person who matches your vibe.

You’re doing the right thing by staying true to yourself and not settling. You deserve that deep, real connection, and I really believe it’ll come when the time is right. Keep that heart open! 🌸

[Anonymous]

Men are subconsciously looking for a young healthy woman to bear their children. Women are looking for the strongest possible male to provide for her and any children she may bear, what women view as strength in a man varys but generally the same.

[Eempriyanka]

No you're wrong

[Opinion Owner]

@Eempriyanka I am until it comes to reality

[Finchie40]

It’s wise to find someone that’s a lot like you , that has a lot of the same interests as you do , but if you are looking for perfect? The chances of that happening is very slim , because no one is perfect. So it’s best to lower your standards and preferences some and accept someone for who they are , the same way you want them to accept you for who you are.

[Shiprex]

Younger guys maybe the way forward or older guys. I think some people thrive with similar types as themselves where they can get in on the same interests and grow that way while others may seek an "opposite" to complement them as the are aware of the lacking in their own lives that could be filled by someone who values the things they don't. THIS is potentially volatile though as complacency and not bothering about the things the opposite does bother about can grind gears for some after a time.

[Zack-Bann]

No body is that unique
And we all think we are


If you’re struggling to find a kindred spirit you just need to widen your search zone
Try new things meet new people


If it’s an age issue then date someone who’s the same age as you mentally


Even if there’s a physical age gap

[Crimsyjo]

I'm already with people mentally my age (around 20) but I can't have serious relationship with them. That's crazy.

Finding a kindred spirit my age is what the difficulty is.

Mainly I find guys my age too "sensible" and they see me as too wild. But guys drawn to me as I am are bad boys and players. I have a wild side and like breaking rules but I also have goals, can be responsible, work, study. I'm a kind person. I don't like hurting people so I'm like a bad girl sexually but good girl everywhere else. I want a bad boy in bedroom but nice guy. And it just don't seem to exist in my age group.

I'm currently seeing a guy who is almost 20 and he's almost perfect. We feel like best friends. He's studying too and is really smart so we have loads to talk about. We like to chill with drink and listen music. Or watch programs. We have sex but it could be better.

[Zack-Bann]

Maybe your best match someone who’s a bit older than 20 but also a child at heart as well

You’re right: you’re looking for a rare occurrence

It is what it is

And if the guy is 25 years younger than you and the sex could be better then he’s not ready

I know from myself anytime I was with an older woman I would subconsciously bring my A game

[Anonymous]

I think I'm luckier than most people today because I met my soulmate before age 20 and I married her at 25 and we're happy as two ducks in water. We are very well matched and well suited for each other. We enjoy each other, we have fun together and are very compatible, sexually and otherwise. And for a guy like me, that's not a slam dunk by any means. Having said that, I know I was lucky, and finding the right person can be really difficult, so I'm grateful.

I'm surprised Crimsygo that it's difficult for you though. I've read enough of your posts here to believe I have a reasonably good sense of who you are, and you seem like a really cool and fun girl. You deserve a good man and I'm confident you will find him.

[sawno]

No thats not a subcontious thing for me, its very contious.

[Crimsyjo]

Same here lol

[Makeushiver]

I think we - subconciously to some extent- look fir partners who are different. Someone we feel may complete is. When we are in a relationship passed the infatuation stage I think we begin to make them similar to ourselves. We succeed far too often and that helps kill the infatuation and may of the exciting parts of relationship

[Crankor]

I'd say it depends on what ones expectations are and what kind of lifestyle you think you want or will have with that manifested perfect fit partner. Do they exist? Sure its possible. But the chances they are available ir even live anywhere near you or will ever cross paths is very unlikely. But I would also say that having expectations (maybe the amount effects) ruins a lot of the excitement of taking interest and learning about the individual.

[BarryLiverstone]

Nope. I’m looking for a partner who can sneak me into movies for free. I mean what’s better than being hooked up with a movie theater owner and skipping the line?


That or a billionaire. Ig if I had my choice I’d go with a billionaire.


I think we sub want to find a person we click with, and that’s not totally like us but has similarities

[alice55]

I'm just searching for a traditional man but it's next to impossible to find where I live, theyre all druggies or immature (only thinking of Netflix and smoking drugs and no marriage or baby in their minds) ...

[Crimsyjo]

Oh where are you. I'm UK and same type of men here.

[alice55]

I'm from France, I'm not surprised we have the same kind of men we don't live that far apart XD
In France we always hear how there's lots of drugs addict / seller in Uk (France is the same).

[Crimsyjo]

Ohhh yeah that sucks. I'm surprised. I haven't heard those kinda rumours about French men. I recently heard it's more that they are into polygamy - wanting multiple partners.

[Nikki1989]

In many respects, absolutely. The less things you clash on, the happier you will be.

[IslaTheWitch]

no... I don't look... I just meet people and get to know them... and sometimes we click :D

[PBandJ_Nerd]

I've heard that it's normal for us to find someone who looks similar, not just in personality, but in general since it makes it easier for us to bond with the potential partner.

[dragoblack]

People always tend to pooks for similar groups, it's subconscious tribalism. Our brains tell us "groups of those similar to us, make us safer". So, yes, we do, but not 100% similar.

[NathanDavis]

nope...

I want someone to be their own person

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty sure it’s not that you’re unique. It’s a lot of other factors. Saying you’re unique is just an excuse for why you haven’t met someone. At 45, come on now. I’m sure every woman thinks they’re unique.

[ottawahuman]

No. Opposites attract because we want partners whose strengths compensate for our weaknesses and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

No, I'm definitely not looking for a girl like me.

I'm submissive, I like dominant girls.

You can't have a relationship between two submissive people.

[Crimsyjo]

You can between two switch people. And I don't like labels anymore. Sex shouldn't be one thing or the other. It should be fluid, changeable and fun to keep it fresh.

[Opinion Owner]

I know, but I'm not a switch.

[Skyros]

I decided a long time ago that I don’t want or need anyone, strangely enough I still find myself looking every now and then. It does get lonely sometimes for those of you thinking of treading this path.

[Eleni0]

Looking for a girl who I have a lot in common with.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Yes i think we are but if you found that person would you be able to commit to him or are you having too much fun being single

[Crimsyjo]

I want to commit. And the right guy will be fun and I shouldn't feel like I need or miss anyone else.

[jahaims]

You are too immature for a healthy relationship. Thus you being alone at 45

[TonyMetal___86]

What are the traits that you have which makes you feel unique?

[MasterKS]

Being Unique is what make your better than anyone.

[Crimsyjo]

Ugh not when you want companionship not just sex.

[MasterKS]

@Crimsyjo dont run behind the illusion called companionship.

[Crimsyjo]

It's a need as much as sex. I'm having sex 3 to 5 times a week most times lately as a single woman. But it's not enough to just be sex.

[Effie7]

I believe the ones who wanna be single are looking without looking if it happens it happens.

[Gayuglycowardv3]

No you're looking for your first love in others

[Anonymous]

I posted about this on another thread

I think we're lookng for someone who completes us/makes us feel good about ourselves

[Account]

Yes.

[chrissykerdock]

wow that's a deep thought

[MannMitAntworten]

Only from a cerebral stand point, yes.

[BruceWayne987]

Mine won’t be salty like the army guys… 😉

[chocolatetwopointo]

no i js wanna be alone

[Smile456]

No, I think opposites attract

[Jerre]

I find women who like sex as much as I do

[wkhan_87]

So , are you still single? Why?

[Eempriyanka]

No.. women and men are not same

[Sono83]

In terms of similar values, sure.

[Madgedays]

Id say yes

[MrRafay_22]

Single boy

[robocop666]

Pretty much

[eliegia]

nooo