My longest relationship lasted around 2-3 months and it was my first at the age of 21. Is that a red flag?

[Anonymous]

I'm 28 now and I only had casual flings that lasted few days to few weeks since then.

[SteveSmith1985]

Nope. I talk to women all the time about guys, looking for red flags in the guys they're seeing (including girls your age). This is definitely not a red flag. I guess it depends on whether you've had a whole boatload of relationships that didn't go past a couple of months. If you tell me you've had 15 girlfriends... and none lasted... that's concerning. Otherwise no.

If you're basically just inexperienced, and don't have any long relationships under your belt? That's pretty normal dude. Nobody is going to see this as a red flag. It's nothing to worry about.

[Asker]

I had at least 5+ potential relationships and none of them lasted more than a month

[SteveSmith1985]

That sounds alright. I mean you're only 21. How old were you when you had your first relationshp.

Also, never say "potential relationships" Because that sounds suspicious as hell. (when it probably is actually nothing bad). What do you mean 5+ potential relationships?

You are better to decide yourself, what you want to count as a relationship, and have a definite number (the real one. You just need to decide if something qualifies as "a relationship." But it should be a firm number. Again, just because it sounds worse than it probably actually is.

What I would be more concerned about would be how you were in those relationships, and how they ended. If it's a case of things just not working out that's not a problem. If your conduct in those relationships was fine, then there is nothing wrong with your relationship history.

Is it that you're concerned a girl will think you're unable/unwilling to get involved in something long-term?

Is it a lack of experience that worries you?

It sounds like you're not all that abnormal in this for your age. But maybe I'm not getting what is making you worry?

[Asker]

I've dated girls but I self sabotaged because I'm fearful avoidant

[Asker]

won't bother replying? Waste of time

[SteveSmith1985]

Was the 'won't bother replying' for me? Or do you mean that's what you end up doing as self-sabotaging?

If not, then what does your self-sabotaging look like?

I think that it sounds like it's not so much your history being a red-flag. It's that you have some personal things that are going to screw you over, even if you meet a girl you really like. It depends on how you self-sabotage I guess. But that'll be a problem, even if a girl thinks you're wonderful. I don't think it's the red-flags thing you should be focusing on.

[Asker]

I act rude and cut contact

[SteveSmith1985]

Ok, so I think the self-sabotaging is the thing to work on. It's going to screw you over without the need for red flags. I don't know what might be behind that. Are you doing it subconsciously? Or are you aware you're acting rude at the time?

I'm a bit at a loss as to what to say. Obviously acting rude and cutting contact is going to be a problem in any relationship. I just don't know how you go about fixing it. I would imagine its based on some pretty deep phsychological motivations. It probably would take someone trained to help you untangle root causes. If therapy is a practical option, I do think that would be a real benefit for you.

However, everyone has their own bullshit (insecurities, fears, past hurt, etc) that messes with them in their romantic life. Even if you can't work-out "root causes" of behavior, you often can still catch yourself (sometimes).

I think you need to look at what you're feeling when you end up acting rude. Is it a matter of pushing someone away if you feel they're too close? Or is it a feeling that its not going to work out anyway, so you might as well not get attached? Is it that you have unrealistic/unfair expectations, and end up getting upset when they aren't met? Look for the common thread as to what you're feeling when you do this. That's where to start anyway.

Why do you think you do this?

[Asker]

I'm unworthy of love

[SteveSmith1985]

That is almost certainly not actually true. It's good that you're self aware enough to be able to pinpoint that. That's genuinely a good sign.

You're right that this is probably the root of your tendency to self sabotage. The problem is, that this is a deep-seated feeling that isn't going to be an easy or a quick fix. You really will need some professional help to delve into your feeling that way, to figure out where it comes from, and how to go about changing it.

Do you have any idea why you might feel that way? Where it comes from? Or maybe when it started?

I am not trained in anything. I'm no substitute for actual therapy or psychology or anything like that. I'll happily give you my layman's opinion on any of this. But that's all it is. A layman's opinion.

[Asker]

I've been bullied my entire life and no one would want me. My first girlfriend was ugly therefore easy. A second girl I've asked out on a date was fat and ugly. The third one was slim and quite attractive but she had a personality of a wet cardboard. Fifth one was my coworker, very attractive and hot but a skank overall and it easy to get in her pants in my opinion.

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm sorry you've been bullied man. I know that can have some long-term effects on a person. I am sure that's indeed a huge part of feeling you're not worthy of being loved. The only people I've ever known to say that had all been through some traumatic shit in their past.

I won't lie, I was taken-aback at your summary of your dating history. I just mean the way you look at girlfriends in general. You asked originally about red-flags. The way you talk about your exs is a huge giant red flag.

It makes me think "holy shit dude, what the hell?"

So It depends on what you want. But if you're talking about a relationship. You don't want a girlfriend you don't actually like. So if you think a girl is fat and ugly... she should never end up your girlfriend. Not even if she throws herself at you. If you're not attracted to her, then you're not attracted to her. But that means you shouldn't date her. Only go for someone you actually like.

If you think a girl is easy, then (once again) just pass on that girl. She's not someone you want. Just don't even bother.

The third one is the only one that's not a red flag (your description of it, I mean). That sounds like a girl you thought was attractive, but then she didn't have personality. Fair enough.

But, I'm kida blown away by the way you're looking at these girls. It's... kinda messed up. I don't know if it's a matter of you having gotten together with girls you should never have gotten together with, or if you have some (no offence) fucked up views about women in general. It's odd to hear a guy summarize relationships like this.

If you're looking for a girlfriend, and taking about "loveable" it makes me think you're taking about an actual relationship. With caring, and closeness and all that stuff. You sound like a guy lookin to get laid when you describe these girls.

What kind of relationship are you looking for? Something "substantial" or mostly to have a regular sex-partner? (legitimate question)

[Asker]

The last time I felt in "love" was back in late 2015.
I found a blog beloging to metalhead girl and her personality and demeanour completely mesmerized me.
She was very tomboyish and looked more like a young boy but she seemed to be a fun girl to potentialy hang around.
Unfortunatly, she lives on the other side of the world so a meet up was out of the question.
After all these years, I still think about her daily.
She's the only girl that I've somewhat loved even though we never actually meet.

[SteveSmith1985]

Did you two interact? Or did you end up getting to know her through what she said in her blog?

[Asker]

We interarct a little as I've used to ask her questioms. She was a very open person

[SteveSmith1985]

So this girl is obviously very special to you. The way you talk about this girl... is a million times better. This is someone you actually liked. This is the feeling you are looking for when you decide to try and get together with a girl. You only should ever date a girl you feel lucky to be dating.

Did you end up self-sabotaging that particular relationship? or did it end some other way?

The problem is, this only tells you "the right feelings for even tying for any particular girl" but it doesn't help your root problem.

If you feel unworthy of love, deep down... you're likely to repeat the pattern of self-sabotaging that you already identified. I don't see how to break that pattern without fixing that underlying belief. That is going to require professional help, from someone who knows how to help you untangle where that feeling comes from, and how to change it. Is professional help something that's practical for you? (It's covered by benefits, or is otherwise not coming out-of-pocket)?

[Asker]

Sooner or later, I'll have go to therapy, i know that.
I've barely had any relationships with the tomboy, we just chatted a bit but back I did not expected to develop such strong feelings for her.
She moved on with her life and has successful musical career which she shares with her current boyfriend.
I've could not be more happier for her, she has tremendous potential and I root for her with every fiber of my being.

[SteveSmith1985]

You really do have a healthy model in this particular relationship with this particular girl. It's the real-life version of that type of relationship you're looking to as your healthiest relationship. Even if that was 'barely a relationship.'

The way you look at this girl, overall, is the way I'd hope to hear a decent guy talk about a girl from his past. Right up to wishing her well, and hoping she's happy. That's what I would hope to hear a guy say (if I were looking for red-flags). This has a lot of 'green flags' about it. Especially the way you feel about her after your relationship ended.

I'm glad you're aware that you're going to need therapy sooner rather than later. I guess the question is... why wait?

You're unhappy. You've got some issues with relationships you've identified. You identified the root feeling of being unworthy of love. You recognize the pattern of self-sabotage and what that looks like. You have gone about as far as you can go without help. You've done a fair bit of figuring, and I think that you've done all the figuring out you can do on your own.

I think it's time man. You know you're gonna have to. Waiting isn't going to take you any further in untangling the deeper stuff. I think you should start looking into your options for therapy, if that's a practical option (if it's covered by benefits)

[Asker]

Thank you for your time.
I truly apprecieate it

[SteveSmith1985]

You're quite welcome man. I think you'll be just fine, once you get someone to help you untangle the rest of what you already figured out about yourself. I hope things work out for you, and that you find that girl you're looking for. Good luck 🙂

[Shiprex]

Not at all. You're still young and have plenty of time to resolve life expectations and goals into something that someone could join you in.

[Shiprex]

Ty for the MHO

[Screenwriter]

Well, what kinds of people were you going after? Why do you think these relationships have only been casual? Where did you meet these people and what sort of people were they?

Start analyzing what has been similar about the people you've been involved in.

I'd be worried if for the past 7 years you've never had a long-term relationship. Are your expectations too low or too high?

If you want something different, then it would seem you'd have to choose different kinds of people..

[Simslover92]

Nope. You're 28. That's still fairly young. You have time to get into another relationship that will hopefully last longer. My ex was 32 when he got into a relationship with me and I was his first and vice versa. So just take a chill pill. You have time to build and cultivate yourself with someone. Just start actively looking for it if a relationship is what you want.

[Asker]

It's a hopeless effort considering I'm fearful-avoidant

[Simslover92]

You need therapy then. That did wonders for me. I was an anxious attachment the total opposite of you and now I'm more secure because of therapy.

[Asker]

Thank you but I'm not interested

[Simslover92]

That's fine but if you're not interested in therapy, maybe try to find other ways to become secure because being fearful-avoidant is going to keep you from finding a long lasting relationship.

[ABC1x1x]

It's a sign of great intelligence. Unfortunately great intelligence brings great loneliness.

[Asker]

I don't think I'm that smart compared to general populace

[ABC1x1x]

Most smart people don't think they are smart. It's the dumb ones that think they know everything

[Anonymous]

No, at least you had a relationship, I never had it - that's more likely a red flag.

[Asker]

Pussy is not worth the hassle

[Nikki1989]

Yeah, not an impressive resume.

[Asker]

Such life I guess

[Anonymous]

I’ve had several like that sadly.

[In_Trance]

Yes it does

[Asker]

Well I'm cooked then