Is my friend well meaning or just micromanaging my dating life?

[Anonymous]

She won’t butt out. At first I took it as “okay, she means well”, but now I don’t know. I took a long break from dating and was fine just being single, and she says “nope, you’re 40 now and you’ve been single too long. You need a man in your life. Since you’re friends with me you’re getting a man whether you want one or not” (she loves to matchmake). I realize she has a point, so I get on Facebook dating. She saw me on the apps one day at lunchtime (we work together) and she’s telling me who to swipe right on, who to swipe left on, etc and when I didn’t swipe right on a guy she told me too, she literally took my phone out of my hand and swiped on a whole bunch of guys because I (according to her) “clearly don’t know how to pick men”. Eventually I did match with a guy who I really liked, we’ve been dating for almost a year, and she doesn’t like him. Apparently she’s got someone all picked out who she wants to fix me up with (who’s a really nice guy and financially well off but I’m not attracted to him). The guy understands and said it’s fine but she won’t stop and says “this guy’s perfect for you, and your boyfriend’s a loser. Dump him and give this other guy a chance.” (The guy is definitely loaded and my boyfriend supports himself well, but he treats me well and we make each other happy).

she’s gotten to the point where she’s literally taken my phone out of my hand and texted my boyfriend from my phone making really ridiculous demands on him (like demanding he get me a Louis Vuitton bag for my birthday which I know he can’t afford). She’s caused some bad fights between us this way.

I’ve tried telling her to butt out but she doesn’t. She’s dating a guy who is 25 years older than us and is trying to push me to date much older as well. My boyfriend is early 40’s, like me. Nothing wrong with dating older men, but if I’m happy why can’t she just butt out?

Your friend means well but needs to back off.

Your friend is micromanaging! You do you!

Maybe your friend is right. Dump your same age boyfriend and give the older guy a chance.

[SteveSmith1985]

Holy shit. Ok, so I am someone who ends up getting involved in my friends dating lives. I give advice and suggestions and help interpret situations etc.

This friend of yours is fucking insane.

She is not well-meaning. She is controlling and wildly inappropriate. She is so far over the line, I've never even heard of anything like this happening to anybody.

She is in the wrong, and needs to back all-the-way-off. Are you sure you even want a friendship with this woman? She is straight-up mistreating you... egregiously.

So, If I don't like a friend's boyfriend... that's going to be for one reason only. It would be because I don't think that boyfriend is treating my friend as well as he should. That's the only reason.

If my friend is happy with a guy, and I have no specific complaints about him treating her less-than-properly... then it's none of my goddamn concern whether or not I think a different person would be better for them. That's absurd. How could I know how this guy makes her feel. How could I know who she would want to be with... better than she does? That's literally crazy.

She is controlling in a wildly inappropriate way. She decides who you swipe right on? What the hell? How is that her decision to make? Who does she think she is, to know what kind of person you're attracted to.

No friend is going to talk shit about your boyfriend... A YEAR into your relationship! Unless that guy is abusive... there is no excuse or justification for this!

Everything about her says "I know better than you, what you need. I'm going to override you."

The one that made my jaw drop was her talking to your boyfriend as you... and saying shit that caused actual problem in your relationship. That's unbelievable (I believe you).

You should have had a big blow-out fight the first time that happened. I do not understand how you're still friends with this woman. She is borderline abusive, she is controlling, she is not in any way acting as a friend should (supportive of what YOU want), she is literally speaking FOR you sometimes in your relationship.

This is not a friend. There is nothing well-meaning here. Or if she is well-meaning, her complete lack of social awareness, and non-respect for boundaries makes it irrelevant.

You need to tell this woman that you no longer want her input in your love-life. You need to do it clearly, and forcefully. You need to make her hear you no matter how loud you need to be to make that happen.

This is unacceptable.

This would be unacceptable if you were both 16 years old. This is unacceptable as hell as an adult.

You need to put a stop to this.

This was shocking to read.

(consider dropping your friendship with this woman entirely. This is not a friend. At minimum, you need to get her out of your love-life completely)

[Sam1133]

But she has a point