Asked a guy out for the first time. Getting super vague responses. ?

[Janetdoigh]

Updates

1 y

I (35F) recently asked out a guy for the first time. I kept it casual, suggesting coffee or drinks since I’m new to town. He replied, “I can be pretty bad at making plans but not opposed.”

I followed up, saying I thought grabbing drinks would be fun and to let me know if he’s ever up for it. He responded, “Next few weeks are crazy but let me know and we’ll see what happens!”

These vague replies are confusing.

[SteveSmith1985]

Those vague replies are confusing indeed! This question makes me mad. I'll tell you why.

I tell women on here all the time, to do exactly what you did. Exactly what you did. There is no way this guy should have given you those RIDICULOUS responses.

That is jaw-dropping. I'm pretty good at interpreting guy's behavior in these situations. This guy's behavior is fucking wrong. It's unacceptable. It's not socially appropriate as a response to being asked out... TWICE!

If this guy was oblivious, or nervous or just said some dumb shit the first time you asked him out... that would be fine. Because you followed it up!

You did everything right.

This is not a guy trying to brush you off I don't think. It just doesn't seem like a guy who is scrambling to find some way to turn you down.

It almost seems like he's playing with you. Like purposefully giving asshole responses to you CLEARLY asking him out on a date.

It almost reminds me of like one of those pick-up-artist scumbags. You know the whole 'negging' and all that horseshit? The idea that a girl truly wants a guy whose a bit of an asshole... so he keeps her off balance with backhanded compliments, little insults and shit... kinda like this.

Can you tell me about this guy? What kind of guy is he? What have your interactions been like.
I have almost nothing at all to build a picture out of. But so far, this guy seems like the worst. That's hopefully unfair. But this is a weird unacceptable answer. He didn't do this by accident.

If he's interested, why is he being an asshole about it?

If he's not interested why is he being an asshole about it?

I have never ever ever heard of something like this

[Janetdoigh]

Haha I gave him a more direct time and he said he was busy. I just simply replied “got it have a good week” and that should have been end of the convo.

However...

He then replied one more time saying you too and I “appreciate it, you” then something about the weather.

I don't think he's an asshole, but sure acts like one! Either way I now have the clarity I needed to move on and not waste time on someone like that!

[SteveSmith1985]

That is definitely the best course of action. You're right. You don't need to waste your time on someone like that. You sound like a smart woman. You'll find someone better.

[Anonymous]

IMHO there's nothing wrong with what he said the first time. Maybe he really is bad about making plans. But when you said something the second time (even though you didn't mention a time or date, or place) I feel like he could have said something in that area. Like "where we're you thinking, day and time".

I'll put myself out there for a woman. But if I do and she does not show CLEAR interest. I do not put myself out there again. I'm not opposed to going out with her still. But at that point SHE'S going to have to initiate it. To do otherwise is to surrender yourself respect. And NOBODY (male or female) should do that in my opinion.

Not advising you on what to do. Just saying what I'd do. Good luck hun!

[Janetdoigh]

Thanks! That’s kind of where I’m at. I think he’s super, super bashful and shy around me, from every previous interaction he’s been super nervous and I was looking at it through that lens. But if he wanted to, he would. So I’ll just leave it as is! Thanks for the input, I appreciate it.

[Screenwriter]

Don't be confused. For some reason this guy doesn't want to say yes. Move on. He's saying "I'm busy," which means, you're not a priority, but maybe later.

Don't wait around for these "maybe laters." Find men who'll say, "Yes," and start enjoying yourself.

[BonzoInBitburg]

It's a no with that guy but he doesn't want it to sound like a rejection. He's ok with being friends

[Blueeyes81]

Sounds like a soft rejection. A no without having to say no.

[Abbycado]

Alright, so what’s the question?

[Janetdoigh]

I added more context to an update. But essentially us he rejecting me or just not sure how to respond.

[BarryLiverstone]

He’s not into you. Try with another guy

[BarryLiverstone]

Those responses make sense to me. Because if you shared them with a friend then he doesn’t come across as a jackass, right?

[Janetdoigh]

But I and my friends think his responses make him look like a jackass? We all agree that upfront honesty is the best approach. Keeping the window open like he is doing is the jackass move.

[BarryLiverstone]

Actually it’s not. Because had he rejected you directly there is likely a case you would have felt pain , like you are not good enough or worthy of going out with him. Your friends would see you in pain and judge him as the cause

[Janetdoigh]

Nah, I would much rather have a direct rejection than vague replies. I get he's shy but being direct and honest never hurts feelings!

[BarryLiverstone]

Being direct hurts feelings all the time. For example had you asked him to meet for coffee this week and he directly told you “no, I am not attracted to you because you are too fat”, that’s going to cause pain.

[Janetdoigh]

Haha, no that would give me closure. And make it easier to move on (and apparently go to the gym) 🤣

[BarryLiverstone]

It would hurt at first. That pain may result in the motivation to go to the gym. But it would hurt and your friends would empathize with your pain and would call him a jackass because all he wants is sex. Right?

[Janetdoigh]

Not at all! I don’t think most women would think that way. Personally, I would have way less pain if he was like eww you’re gross. Being vague to me reads more like I dont value you enough to be honest with you.

[BarryLiverstone]

I’ll say as a guy , we see all the time how women vent that guys are pigs and they only want sex. Look at the questions that get asked on gag and you will see that repeated theme. We see this over and over and want to be a “better guy” than the one who just wanted sex and is vented about by the girl who feels hurt.

Yes I agree with you that direct and blunt honesty is the best policy. I have been answering you directly this entire time. However the danger in that decision is people often feel offended or are judgmental of someone who is directly honest. Society seems to expect some degree of lying and protection of emotions vs just stating the blunt truth.

Now when you build up enough trust in a relationship then it seems like direct honesty is more valued and respected. However it also seems like granting a stranger that level of honesty can be risky

[BarryLiverstone]

Yes I agree overall it’s less painful if he was honest bluntly. But yes, it’s mutually true that you are not valuable enough in his perspective to be that honest with you. Value and trust we earn over time

[BarryLiverstone]

“I thought grabbing drinks would be fun, let me know if you are up for it” is still not a direct invitation and lets him reply vaguely. I’d say a better way to ask is :

I’m planning to go to this new coffee house at 2:00 Saturday afternoon. Want to meet me there?

That tells him your plans and he can say yes or no. It allows him to reschedule if he had a conflict. But at least then if he didn’t agree to meet you, you know his level of interest

[In_Trance]

So what's your question?

[Janetdoigh]

How should I Interpret the vagueness? Is it a confidence/shyness thing or is he politely rejecting me?

[In_Trance]

Depends how you're asking the question. If you're not getting a yes or no, try asking a different way.
If you are, then he's not interested

[Anonymous]

If he likes you, he will say yes.