How to decode dating an engineer?

[Flowergirl33]

I've been dating an engineer, we are late 40s. He was married before, and says his ex was functional with him, but cold. They grew apart and went separate ways. So he tells me he is not able to always connect with his emotions and process emotions in the moment. He says he needs time to process. On the other hand, he is super smart and very technical, so he excels in that area.

So, we have had some miscommunication issues over the last year.. where I want to iron stuff out and he seems to be misunderstanding me. Then when I get emotional he tries to be supportive but then shuts down a bit. Sometimes he seems to shut down a lot. It upsets me when he does that.

I think my question is.. how do I best relate to a guy who describes himself as nerdy and smart, with not the best emotional processing abilities. He is a good guy and I want this to work, but I am having a hard time seeing his side sometimes.

Is anyone familiar with this personality type? How do I understand him better. How do I know if someone is neurodivergent or on the spectrum, or just playing games with me?

[DishLady]

As someone who has been surrounded by engineers most of her life I'll give you a little tip. They need "T.2" time to process anything that isn't mechanical/technical. It's not a reflection about how smart or caring they actually are. It's just that their cognitive processing is primarily used for things that have nothing to do with their hearts or feelings. Emotionally many of them stay a bit stunted and react to a girl they truly care about like a schoolboy. (Been there.)

You can either choose to date a non-engineer and hear/feel the endearments and tender gestures "in normal time" but if you truly love this engineer get used to taking a deep breath and giving him the time-and-a-half he needs to process his love and caring for you...

[Flowergirl33]

Thank you so much! Can you elaborate more on the T.2 time? It makes sense what you're saying. He has explained this to me exactly, that he doesn't process emotions quickly or even accurately. I've never really seen this before that I was aware of... in dating someone. I am also surprised at how much the other posters on here responded to me confirming this is actually a thing with engineers. I can say for sure that I am the opposite, in that I'm super empathetic and emotional. He told me that I am the first woman he's loved, and that I've taught him how to love. It's really sweet. We will see though. He is still coming out of his divorce stress and I'm hoping he has more bandwidth as that subsides.

[Ask105]

I started a book called nonviolent communication on amazon I encourage you to find books on communication and emotions and read it with him i realized i had the same problem and as much as it hurts i should give each person in my life a new chance but still be cautious of what i learned

[slatyb]

How attached are you? If you want to continue the relationship, consider couple counseling. He can get better if he is willing to do some work.

[slatyb]

by the way, this has nothing to do with being an engineer. I know a lot of engineers who are emotionally mature.

[MasterKS]

If you won't understand motive of a man in 50 then you would never be.

[Anonymous]

This guy is not playing games with you

[Ariesman81]

Be literal if it's something important.

[Flowergirl33]

What does that sound like? Or how would I word a question or statement to be literal?

[Ariesman81]

Bruh... I think you the one with autism

[Anonymous]

Aspergers