I want to hear what she says about him and what went down, why things didn't work out. He told me things but part of me doesn't believe him.
She would give an “honest” opinion of him?
So just because she’s another woman you expect her to react the exact same way as you would if the roles were reversed?
In reality she’s a different person and you have no idea what kind of bias perspective she’s got going on upstairs. And it doesn’t matter that she’s married. I’m sure she still has a very clear recollection of the time she spent with this guy.
Also no way in hell she will give you an honest answer if he broke up with her. Married or not she could still be bitter over of it. People don’t forget being heartbroken very easily. They heal from it and manage. But there is usually scar tissue (to a varying degree)
And if she broke up with him then either:
1) she might have regretted it and might get jealous/envious another woman is dating him. You will never get the full truth there.
2) never respected him to begin with and considered him a “mistake” hence she has zero respect for him. You will get an honest opinion there either.
Actually what’s more concerning is that you are seriously considering this. At best it’s self sabotaging. And worst it’s sneaky and scandalous.
This really says more about you then it says about the guy you are dating.
This is crazy to me. Imagine roles reversed... if a guy tried to get in contact with her partner's ex to see what went down in their relationship that caused it not to work out. Women would be extremely offended by this.
It's fine to ask your partner what happened in their past relationships. If anything it should be encouraged to communicate what your partner's and your past relationships were like. However, it's wrong to reach out to their past partners. Leave people alone to live their lives without any drama from their exes brought up.
Also, most exes obviously don't generally have the best opinion of their exes. So their opinion would likely be biased and based on their individual perspective or views about life. So getting their opinion might incorrectly alter your view of your partner (if you're easily influenced by others opinions).
... I so agree. So many reasons. Such a bad bad idea.
This is an interesting question.
My (now ex husband) wanted me to meet all his exes and I told him I didn't want to. He wanted them all to attend our wedding... I said that was odd bc if we lined up all the women he'd been with (enough to fill a church) and all the men I'd been with (just him) and my enormous family all came and saw that it would be a complete embarrassment. In my circumstance, at the time, it was a red flag I didn't see.
Meanwhile, now that I know a bit more, it's possibly not a bad idea to have SOME sense of his type. You're not the first, but you ARE meant to be the last. You don't have to be best friends, but know who she is, get a sense of whether or not they're still into each other, etc.
If your gut tells you that something about his story is off... why are you marrying the guy? If he'll lie about this, what else will he lie about?
Wow that IS odd that he wanted all of his exes to attend your wedding!! Was this some sort of ego thing with him?
If you don't believe him, you should not even be thinking of marriage. You should call it off now. It will fail if you can't trust him.
Opinion
51Opinion
Why do you care what she thinks of him and their relationship? You and he are together now.
Put the shoe on the other foot. You broke up with a guy and you suddenly get a text from some unknown woman, months or years later, asking you about the guy. How would you respond?
That's a very valid point always think the shoe is on the other foot but she's also trying to protect her ass
@spartan55 Maybe you can avoid the patterns that caused previous breakups cuz you ever think about that sir No and that's why you don't do my job so stay in your lane and go flip cow meat.
@spartan55 That's not what your wife told me the other night while I was taking a deep dive. You keep playing with me You won't even know what the hell depth is
Well it would depend on the ex. If someone’s bitter and spiteful they may lie about their ex. Others may think you’re weird and hang up. But some… yeah they may have valid information.
Try it…. See how it goes. But take it for what it is. Be the judge. But if you have that big of concerns. Yeah you need to be cautious marryi r someone
If you don’t believe him then don’t marry him , and don’t waste your time on contacting his ex , his ex might blow smoke up your ass as well about him , so trust your gut instead of, if your gut is telling you he is lying , then just dump him
Now why would any girl do something like that? That's being messy and meddlesome in people's pasts. If you're feeling uncertain about him or his past then maybe you shouldn't marry him.
No I think that’s weird. My one ex’s girlfriend reached out to me for advice/help at one point and while I was the best person to ask it was still weird
No, I would not. When there are trust issues you have to work on it together. I am positive that my version of what went down in past relationship aren't the same version my ex would give. The more time that passes, what ever it may be can create why he has now the version he has. What is it that is so serious about his past with his ex that you consider doing this? Don't answer, by the way, lol, but think about what does it matter for the present time and in your future. I would get it if lets say he was cheating with his ex on you that it matters.
Another thing, lets say you do this and find out nothing alarming and is now set on marrying him, but he finds out you've done this behind his back. He might then have a trust issue with you. It's your call, but before I would make my decision I would really try to understand if this is a valid concern on your part if it is something within you that makes this into an issue.
I am simply going to say this...
I won't comment as to whether you should do your due diligence by talking to the ex, but he will be pissed if you do and he finds out.
Which brings me to what's important. A relationship is based on trust. You don't trust him otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question. So, consider moving on although I am not advocating that. But your relationship won't be good until trust is established.
So, perhaps don't ask her. You may suspect he's lying, but you can trust him that he isn't. But, if he does violate your trust and you find out, kick his ass to the curb and move on.
"Careful, Chief. Dig up the past, all you get is dirty."
- Gideon in "Minority Report"
Is this some kind of shotgun wedding? How the hell does any of you even remember the ex and know how to contact her? I'm guessing not much time or maybe a small ass town or something? If it's a small ass town I'm surprised you haven't heard most of what went down through other people.
I mean you could try, but keep in mind she probably wants nothing to do with him. You got one side of the story, from your man, so don't get butthurt when you find some things out if you do. Like is he a prolific cheater and woman beater that likes to molest children? Or was it really just her being a bitch? Also remember she might bullshit you just as much as he might.
I think you shouldn't marry someone if you don't feel you know him yourself.
I did hear one of those radio psychologists say, years ago, that a person who is considering getting married should talk with the person's ex. (Assuming they have one.) In theory that would probably be a good idea, but in practicality? I don't know. A lot of people might take it as an opportunity to trash their ex if someone wanted to have a meeting and talk about them. On the other hand, if they have "trash" to talk about, maybe there are red flags?
I know a lady who is a very nice person, and very good looking also I must say. She mentioned to me on a few occasions that we should consider becoming a couple. I am flattered that she considered me to be a suitable mate for her, however she has been divorced 3 times and I don't think it is all on the guys she divorced. Anyway she is very cool in her own way but I don't think I'd want to take on her issues. I would be curious as to what her exes would say about her but I am not pursuing this anyway.
First of all what happened between them and why they broke up, really is none of your business. If you have doubts about him, you either need to talk to him about your concerns or don't be with him. No relationships are the same and their dynamic is not guaranteed to be your dynamic. So communication is your best tool, use it wisely and get the answers you seek, but if trust is your issue you gotta find out why.
If you have to message his ex, you clearly don't trust him. So either he is being shady and you have been wilfully ignoring red flags. No judgement, I've been there. Or you have some severe trust issues you need to work out before being in a relationship, let alone getting married.
Well, I guess it depends. How long ago was the divorce? Is she remarried? For how long? Was the divorce amicable or bitter and contested? If it was not an amicable divorce, she may still harbor feelings of anger and hostility toward him, and would not give you a really fair picture of him. On the other hand, if the divorce was longer ago, or they split up because of mutually-agreed incompatibility, then you might get a more reasonable and accurate opinion.
This sounds like a dangerous thought lol. You sound like you genuinely just want to speak to the women to make your relationship with this man the best it can be.
However, you may be making problem from nothing just thinking to ask.
Dangerous questions are how we know we are doing things right. I really liked your last update on the question. I think you passed your own test here 🤔 😉🙂
Personally, I like the idea but should be able to get the full picture from your spouse, what happened, what they learned, how they grew. if it's all the others fault... red flag.
If there's kids, gonna mingle with them anyways.
My marriage, is quite clear in what happened, how it went with priors as we were very open. Was painful at times, but that's part of growth and discovery as well.
Mysteries, are not comforting... Doubt, won't rest long.
Lol, you do that way before you marry. In fact it should have been done around the first month you met him.
I can see her text back "what the fuck is the point of me telling you anything now?, You're not getting your wedding deposits back if you change your mind."
Honestly idk… in some ways I want to say there should be zero doubt in the relationship and I should be able to trust or believe a person. However; I have also seen how people say their exes are toxic when it was in fact the opposite. So, for me it all depends on the situation.
Then why would you marry him? This to me would be almost just as bad as cheating. And what if she told you a completely fabricated story which made you question your decision to marry him only to find out she was lying. Now you just ruined a lifelong potential relationship. I’d be pissed. To me you’d be betraying me, calling my character, my honesty into question. You’re going to my enemy to try and get dirt of me.
Marrying no way. you’re past the point of a second opinion if you’re already thinking about marriage.
If I was dating and didn’t know if I wanted to continue dating due to some major concerns that’s even pushing most ex are not what I would call a trusted source.
Opinions of exes lack very likely on credibility. There few factors, most people belittle exes, others want damage their reputation and third option are those who want them back.
When you have to make a decision take you time.
Sometimes it is lies, Sometimes perspective, you need to examine your relationship with him, and 🤔 think about what you think is possible behavior for him, and then think of the potential of him being driven to extremes that you have never seen 🤔.
Plus, is there any 3rd party witnesses that can give you a 3rd party explanation? As it maybe not wise to open that connection without secondary evidence. If you truly want this relationship to succeed.
He should leave you. Obviously most women LIE constantly and anyone thinking they can trust a woman ex is stupid. Men are dumb too if they are getting married, especially to someone that thinks they can trust an ex's word.
Don't waste your time asking here. Do a background check on him if you haven't yet.
Ask him all the questions that are worrying you. Keep asking and see if he is consistant. That is the realistic way to do it. Is he an open book?
Absolutely not. Their opinion will be heavily negatively biased and if I can't tell myself after years of relationship is he's husband material, well then he's most likely not and don't need someone else to tell me
I'm not even sure I would want to even know who his ex or ex's were and as long as they are out of his life, it seems like a good way to keep it.
Literally asking a biased party that would likely not wish happiness for you
Why?
Make up your own mind
Let exes be exes
What’s the point, forget it, you should trust your own instincts. I’ve dealt with a bunch of stupid ass girls in my life. Those guys didn’t ask me for my input on her behaviour. But those guys can be in for a treat with her drama so I’m glad I’m not with any of those crazy chicks.
I was messaging some guy for a year and a half and he always made it seem like her fault.
Then I found out he used to slap her around.
I stopped messaging him immediately.
Doesn't seem like a good idea, no offense.
A lot of people straight up hate their ex and have a lot of trauma associated with their ex so talking to their ex at all just seems fishy.
If the shoe were on the other foot, don't you think your previous boyfriend would say things about you that you'd disagree with? So, in the end, how much clarity does someone else's "perspective" really add? I think what your question and subsequent updates really say is that you don't trust your guy. Fix *that*.
Nope.
What she thinks about him isn’t my concern, I would not care about his exs.
What if the ex tells you a bunch of lies to be spiteful?
Good one!
That is pretty stupid idea. What you think she is gonna say? She might just lie to fuck your relationship up just out of anger. And yes women hold grudge.
This is a horrible idea for either gender to do.
If “part of you” doesn’t believe him now, then you are really wasting your time with that bullshit wedding
Yes, I would. I'd ask her how my future husband performs in bed. I mean, that's totally my right to know.
He won't be best pleased if he finds out you have been behind his back and shown him you don't trust him.
There are some pretty kooky posts on here... and this is definitely one of them.
Let me check that I understand what you are saying.
- You have not, and do not want to, have sex before marriage.
- He has had sex before he met you.
- You want to hear porn stories about his experiences from a third party that, based on normal odds, does not especially like you instead of from the person you plan to hitch your star to for the rest of life.
Why?
So you can masturbate while thinking about him having sex with another woman?
Because you will call the wedding off if he is bed-shy?
I literally slapped my forehead with my palm when I read this.
Isn't that something you can figure out on your own?
So this reads as A. You don't trust the man you are going to marry and B. You are just being a shit stirrer. Should he message your ex? I'm sure he'd give a brilliant 5 star review of how well you rode.
Do him a favour and break it off. If you don't trust him you have no relationship
Sounds crazy, but even crazier to marry someone you are not sure about. Go for it.
That means you don't trust him. You are too immature for a healthy relationship.
That's creepy and it's none of your business. If you don't trust him then don't marry him.
I just want men to look at me and not other people 😓
*White men
Damnnnnnnnn, that's HOT!😈
If I found out my partner did that, I would break up with them.
Sure he can you warn me if I’m marrying a monster
Why? Ex’s most likely won’t have anything positive today
Say I mean
If you feel it is necessary to call his Ex, then you should NOT marry him. You DON'T trust him!
Im not gay. I would never marry a guy except my best friend but he's never had an ex.
That’s so stupid! Who gives a shit what went down before? Wondering about that says you aren’t confident about yourself!
I doubt she would give an honest answer anyway
when you get a job employers ring up your old bosses to ask what you were like
If you can't accept past of him then you are not ready to marry him.
Definitely a crazy girl move.
Yes. Good idea.
That would be nuts.
I would feel a little alienated
No, that's toxic and disrespectful
Hmm digging your own relationship grave.
Haha pls don’t marry him
Sounds like a can of worms.
What is it you would believe?
Why would anyone do that?
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