How will I ever meet and marry a man knowing they can just change out of nowhere?

[Anonymous]

[MrOracle]

This is a very good question, and there's a very real answer: the vetting process.

For most of human history, the vetting process involved the family of both potential partners, not just the participants themselves, because it was understood and accepted that young teens tended to be very lousy at caring about the things that actually matter in the long-term, and far more interested in the things that were exciting in the moment but would likely be gone in weeks or months regardless. Plus, your dad, uncles, and older brothers are going to be REALLY good about seeing through any lies from your guy.

Unfortunately, the last remnants of that system mostly fell apart in the 1950s, and part of the Feminist movement in the 70s was a complete rejection of it. Now, everyone is on their own, and you can see that most people do an absolutely terrible job of the vetting process.

Vetting a person means focusing on their morals, values, and life-goals. Morals and values are learned by asking questions - general ones ("how do you think we should deal with crime?") and specific ones ("what would you do if our kid was caught shoplifting?"). There is a LOT of room to explore, so there will be lots of questions to ask and answer. And then, you will observe them as they interact with other people in the world, and you look to see if their real-world behavior is consistent with the answers they gave you. If they are, then you can probably trust what they said to be their true morals and values.

Life-goals are important because you need to have compatible future desires. If you want to live in the suburbs in your own home and have 3 kids and have him home for dinner every night, and he wants to live in a major city, live in an apartment, take a job where he will travel a lot or work odd hours, and he wants no kids, then obviously you have terrible future compatibility, and it will be impossible for a relationship to work.

Things like: what kind of food you each like, what your favorite colors are, your favorite music, etc. - those don't really matter. Sure, it's nice if you have some common areas of interest, but even if you don't, those aren't so hard to adjust to. But major life-goals MUST be largely compatible, and morals and values MUST closely align, or the two of you simply won't make it. And you can't possibly know about any of that until there is a vetting process, and that takes time and specific effort.

Most people refuse to bother with this, and thus most people have horrible track records of "success" with their relationships. That's NOT a coincidence.

[Asker]

how am i supposted to do that? and i would never tell my family i have a boyfriend lmao.

[MrChinaski]

Fair. In that case, you need more support than online forum can provide. Police, social workers, etc.

[Hardon-Collider]

Your only choice is either an impulsive animal or a committed robot without a will of his own. No third option of a man sacrificing for the best of another. ㅤ

[Asker]

what do men sacrifice?🤣

[beenherebefore]

Accept that people change. Including yourself. You won't be the same person in ten/twenty/thirty years from now. Changing is part of growing up.

[Asker]

to become a killer or abuser?

[elizamichale1]

Well honey who knows... u can also change n leave him

[Asker]

maybe🤷‍♀️

[elizamichale1]

Yeah... so if u find someone who u can get along... just be with him... u guys can fall in love down the road

[Asker]

i won't be with an abuser or murderer…

[elizamichale1]

Ofcourse u won't honey... nobody wants tht

[OlderAndWiser]

People - men and women - rarely change "just out of nowhere." By the time people reach their early twenties, their behavioral patterns have become fairly stable and predictable. When someone surprises you with their behavior, it usually means that you don't know them very well. You are young, and one of the mistakes of youth is being over-confident in your assessments of other people. Slow down , get to know people, and don't trust your quickly formed judgments, and you will be surprised far less often.

[Asker]

men are literally known for killing their family because they found a new woman or wtv

[OlderAndWiser]

You must be right, because you fabricated a story that confirms your claim. "Brilliant" does not begin to do this justice!

[Asker]

you dont know that men kill women just because they found a new woman?

[OlderAndWiser]

Has it ever happened? Yes, just like women kill their children for various reasons. Does it happen so often that men are "known" for doing this? Absolutely not.

[Asker]

yes. it literally does.

[OlderAndWiser]

Prove it.

[Asker]

do i seriously need to prove to you that men kill their wives more than women kill their kids?

you have got to be kidding me.

[OlderAndWiser]

No, you need to prove that men do that so often that they are "known" for doing it, and that women do it so infrequently that they are not "known" for doing it.

[Asker]

dude come on. just stfu and use your head.

[OlderAndWiser]

So, what your response means is, 'I don't really have any proof but I'm sure of it so you shouldn't question me.' No, that doesn't work. I call BS.

[Summeroflove]

That’s people for you especially people who mask their true identity. Many people change slowly but you don’t notice it because it’s slow… Other people are pretending to be someone they’re not and seem too good to be true.

Take things slow. Eventually if someone’s faking the mask will come off

[Asker]

Not really, it can take years

[Summeroflove]

It can. That’s why people who say you need to be married in a year or less are crazy. But if you’re around someone long enough you will see cracks in the facade.

Many people just don’t want to see the red flags. Then they have invested so much into a relationship…. They won’t leave. Even when it’s bad. And feel attached. They don’t want to see the truth and will justify and excuse a person’s behavior if they cheated in front of their eyes.

[Summeroflove]

Nobody’s perfect. You can’t jump the other extreme and expect a person to be perfect all the time.

But as time goes on…. Heck, many times I see someone using someone long before they ever see it. When they’re saying “this person is my soulmate” and I can tell their behavior is so horribly fake.

[Asker]

Yeah people who marry that fast scare me.

Yeah but what if i dont see them and they’re just amazing at hiding them?
Or what if they won't change but i just expect them to so THEN they do change?

[Summeroflove]

It scares me too… and yeah maybe sometimes it works. But more often then not someone’s taking advantage of someone.

People who are predatory…. Will often pick someone whose emotionally vulnerable such as has just come out or a divorce. Other times two people mean well but get too carried away.

[Asker]

Yeah true.

[Summeroflove]

But more often it’s the former. But that’s why I agree you have to be with someone consistently long term.

[Summeroflove]

And you have to be honest with yourself. Many people aren’t…. They fell in love with the inside

[Summeroflove]

*image not inside

[Asker]

Im just not gonna risk it fr

[Summeroflove]

It is better to be single and have peace then miserable long term. A lot of people just need to slow down and not be desperate to be in a relationship.

Because when people get desperate is when they either get hurt or hurt someone else…

[Summeroflove]

And a lot of times. People are just desperate… they pretend to love someone because they want to be in a relationship. They want to eventually have kids and be married but haven’t found the right person

Chances are…. That persons going to leave.

[Asker]

Yeah exactly, its just easier to be single

[Summeroflove]

I agree. Now, I think it’s better to find someone in the end but a lot of people become desperate…. And if you’re just desperate it’s hard to find anything genuine

[AviatorTom]

Change is not necessarily bad. You will change over time too. A static relationship is a dead relationship. Learn to manage, and enjoy, the changes.

[Asker]

yeah ofc but i meant in a bad way, like what if he turned abusive?

[AviatorTom]

If your partner turns abusive, you leave.

[Asker]

Yeah no shit, thats my point. Why waste years of my life for nothing?

[Asker]

Thats what i meant with change, imagine u love somebody for years and think they’re ur soulmate just for them to turn abusive, awful.

[AviatorTom]

That's a very negative view of life. I prefer being positive, â most people are.

[Asker]

well im being realistic, sometimes life isn't all positive and amazing, people suck.

[RavVid]

Most men are pretty rule bound. We grew up playing sports with rules. In our ancestral past, hunting was a team sport. The only way we could tackle animals more powerful than us as individuals was as a team of hunters working collaborative together. We would act under the directions of the huntmaster.

Things were different with the women. The societal bonding was safety for women. But every woman wants to be the top (as do men) but the jockeyed without physical violence and more with subtle pysch methods. There is more rule breaking and betrayal in that.

Men don't look for that much from women. We want them to be nice and pleasant to us. Regard us with respect. And show love for us with willingness for sex. Most of us will be quite content with a woman that shows those behaviors to us and adhere to the no cheating rule.

Where a man might appear to suddenly change is if she hasn't giving him those core behaviors. He becomes progressively more and more discontent. Another woman comes along and seems to have those core attributes.

Then it can change suddenly. If you treat your man right, it is highly unlikely.

[Asker]

Cheaters always cheat no matter what woman they’re dating or how she treats him.
He has responsebility over his own relationship, never blame your wife because you cheated, thats the weakest move you could ever make.

[RavVid]

I knew a guy who blamed his girl for him getting drunk at the pub and sucking a guys cock. None of us could figure out how it was her fault. You have a point is my point.

Your chances of being cheated on is not so high is my second point though.

[Asker]

majority of the population has been cheated on, no way im ever gonna get into a relationship after knowing that

[RavVid]

Yes. I would include monkey branching in cheating even if physically nothing happened.

It still feels just as bad.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I believe that people don't change drastically out of nowhere, because they technically can't, unless we're talking about some sort of brain injury. I believe that what changes, with experience, will and efforts, is our capacity to examine and understand who people are, how they work, what to expect and predict when looking at someone.

I believe clues are there from the very beginning when you look closely at anyone, it's just difficult to make sense of a personality when you haven't faced enough of them. It should make more sense to you as time passes...

[Asker]

Well obviously, it takes time, men manipulate well.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Only some people are good at pulling strings, but even the skilled ones can't do anything to a well balanced person. Because manipulation is just a set of tools, and not really secret ones, at least not really secret in 2025 with internet access. Anyone interested has the means to understand, craft and use antidotes to manipulation.

[slatyb]

You wait a while before marrying so you at least know who they are now. Some things you can be pretty sure won't change, but there are no guarantees. I knew a woman married to a prosperous dentist with two lovely children, but he became addicted to cocaine and she had to take the children and leave. Anyone, man or woman, may be married but then meet someone they cannot live without. Or your partner may be seriously injured or die. You just have to take life one day at a time, enjoying what you have.

[Asker]

and what if they change after we get married?

[slatyb]

Then you decide whether you can live with it or not. There are a few things that I would consider to be deal-breakers, but it's inconceivable that my wife would change in those ways.

[Asker]

nah i js won't risk it

[McLlovin]

That is the big question for both genders. The answer is to spend time with them. Dont get married after knowing each other for just a month. It takes time for people to get comfortable and show their true selves. id say a year is a safe bet it can be longer and some feel its less. But marriage is forever and i dont take it lightly so im saying for me its at least a year

When you’re in the dating stage you are waiting for the person to take off their mask and when you feel you know the tru them and you like what you know about them then you get married

but people sometimes are so in love with the idea of marriage the jump to marriage right away and then the person is nothing like what they experienced before.

[Asker]

I've heard of women who dated their husbands for years, got married and he changed a lot

[McLlovin]

Thats the risk you get for daring to love i guess

[Asker]

not risking my life for a man thanks

[McLlovin]

When you meet the person you can't see yourself living without you will understand

[McLlovin]

Dont let the bad apples deter you. You might miss that beautiful sunset

[Asker]

Sure but ill never be able to trust him 100% ill always be on that edge because of other men who change up after 10 years of marriage, its safer to just stay single

[Zack-Bann]

How does everyone else do it?
It’s life


Chose well and you won’t have a problem
Chose wrong and just deal with the consequences


There’s no magic pill
And the answer certainly isn’t avoiding to choose altogether


There are no happy endings for those who don’t seek them out

[Asker]

Men change all the time, what if he’s a murderer and doesn't show it until we’re married and i can't get out?

[Purpleronnie]

I’m not sure how you came to think that men or indeed women could change drastically and suddenly as that’s just not true. Both women and men change as we mature influenced majoritely by what we experience, wanted or otherwise

[Asker]

Well i dont date women. men change all the time, women date men all the time and marry them and later it turns out he’s an abuser or smth

[Anonymous]

The same knowing a woman can do the exact same thing.

Just like us guy hun, YOU NEED TO USE YOUR HEAD. You don't want to do that? You want to get all up in your feelings about a guy and not properly vet him, then I'm sorry to say that you then DESERVE whatever befalls you.

Use your head and the odds of this happening to you drops dramatically.

Choice is yours hun.👍💯

Good luck.

[Asker]

well its not about you men ALL the time, i asked the question so its about me.

you’re the reason i dont want to date men, what if they turn into someone like you?

[Opinion Owner]

You should be so lucky.

[Asker]

men have to be some kind of social experiment cause there's no way y'all act this way…

[DryGermanGuy]

Finishing highschool, developing a working brain and making some life experiences would be a proper start. Then go from there.

[Asker]

Women who have that still get cheated on and lied to

[DryGermanGuy]

And us guys don't? ? ? ? ? ?

[Asker]

when did i say that? this isn't about you, its about me, and im not a guy.
why are u men such attention seekers? can something not be about you for one minute?

[live2dance25]

You don’t. It’s a best faith effort and marriage is an assumption that both parties will put their best feet forward.

[Asker]

Then why even try?

[live2dance25]

Because for many it has worked out and proved to be beneficial. You can only hope for the best!

[Asker]

Yeah but for many it hasn't, how is marriage beneficial?

[TwoToTooTutu2]

I feel that way too. There is nothing we can really do about it. We just havr to do what we can. And when those who we love leave us... all we can to us move on and grow. Eventually one will stick around.

[Asker]

Thats not for sure

[Yannishka]

By changing too. You both change into better people, together.

[Asker]

i meant changing in a bad way

[Yannishka]

Well, would YOU ever want to change in a bad way?

[Asker]

no? what does that have to do with this?

[Yannishka]

Well. By putting yourself in Their place. Would they ever want to marry you, knowing that you can change out of nowhere? Probably not.
Do you want to change? No.
Do they want to change? No.

Can it happen? Sure. But you decide who you want to dedicate your life to, the better a person you pick, the smaller the chance, especially if you don't make a crazy change for worse, yourself.

[Asker]

True, but what if they’re a psychopath under the surface and kills me later on?

[Yannishka]

Well then you're dead, right?
So as you grow you'll learn to pick up on red flags, social intelligence and you'll dance around those signals.

[Asker]

Yeah? whats ur point?

and if i dont? men are good at hiding it, and r masters at manipulation

[Yannishka]

My point is that your fear is very extreme and very unlikely to happen. I have yet to know of a murderer in my circle of friends and family and that you shouldn't write all men off as manipulators, because we have just as many of those in women as well.

Stop imagining an extreme scenario like that and instead meet people and see each person for who he or she is?

[Asker]

Its really not tho, it happens to lots of women. Well i dont date women.

How is that possible when they could be a murderer under that mask? men have proved over and over that they can't be trusted.

[Yannishka]

You can stay in that paranoia bubble forever if you want to, cause with the mindset you have right now, I don't see you dating a man.

[Asker]

I never saw myself dating a man anyways, there's more to life

[Yannishka]

We have proven as well that we can't be trusted either. So what gives? Why put them all on the same page?

[Asker]

And as I've said before, i dont date women.
Let me ask you, if you had 10 cakes infront of you, and you knew that 1 had poison in it, you naturally wouldn't eat any of them to not risk eating the one with poison, right?

[Yannishka]

Then with that mindset it'll be the single life for you.
As for your question. I look at what I eat. I'm not gonna blindly gobble something up. Same with how I treat people I meet. That's why I'm surrounded by reliable, loyal people with common sense.

[Yannishka]

Just like the cake thing, you throw the poisonous one out and live happily ever after

[Asker]

Yeah thats life🤷‍♀️

They all look the same, thats the point.

[Yannishka]

That's why my life is pretty stress free on that front. I immediately cut the toxic people out of my life.

[Asker]

And once again, they all look the same, thats the point. men can turn on you any second when you’d least expect it.

[Yannishka]

I know that is your point. You generalizing them. And my point is to look at every person idividually.

[Asker]

And once again, they can turn on you any second when you’d least expect it.

[Yannishka]

Manipulators, Abusers, liars can turn on you... Not just men, not just women either. But this kind of people.

[Asker]

Yeah no shit, BUT ONCE AGAIN, i dont date women. And majority of manipulators and abusers are men sooo

[Yannishka]

You don't have to be dating women to remember that you shouldn't generalize men.
Soooo treat every person individually instead of putting them all on the same page. Just trying to help you. Don't have to take the advice. But it'd give you actual peace of mind. And people who are negative won't attract the best of people in life.

[Asker]

Im not generalizing men, im simply doing what i have to do to stay safe. Any of them could be an abuser or murderer and ill never know who until its too late.

Id rather stay alive thanks.

[Yannishka]

You are though.
Can't say that I didn't try.
I like staying alive as well. That's why I have looked and found a loving man protecting me. And I have protective brothers as well.

[Asker]

Well i dont really care for it that much, i dont need protection.

[888theGreat]

You should date him for three years and run a background check on him. Also ask why his other relationships failed. Just assume he is a serial killer and find things out.

[Asker]

yeah cuz men have a history of telling the truth

[MrChinaski]

You either learn from each other and grow together, or separate. That's just how life is.

[Asker]

how am i supposted to do that if he becomes an abusive killer?

[zagor]

Men don't change as much as women do. If he's a lazy drunk now he probably will be in the future.

[Asker]

Ofc he had to bring up women. No men change too.

[zagor]

Or maybe they just reveal what they were hiding before.

[Asker]

Yeah

[NerdGuy89]

How can I meet and marry a woman knowing she can say i did anything to her and everyone will instantly believe her?

[Asker]

ok so explain to me why every rapist isn't in jail and shamed to death then?

[NerdGuy89]

Explain me to me how we let women off the hook who lie and destroy innocent mens lives because they were bored?

[Asker]

you’re not answering my question.

[NerdGuy89]

Because we have justice system and luckily there are people who see through the lies. Even after though, the man is still shamed, his life destroyed and the woman will get off with no punishment and do it again and again.

[Asker]

Im talking about actual rape cases, not ur false accusations. Did you know that you’re more likely to be bitten by a shark than to be falsely accused? And more likely to be raped by another man than to be falsely accused?
y'all men just wanna complain all the time, rapists literally get out of prison because they had ”a career” and a ”future”, was said about a GYNOCOLOGIST by the way.

[NerdGuy89]

No, because men being falsely accused is under reported, the same with women raping men. Most cases of women raping men are laughed out because of feminist idealogy that has poisoned society. And tell, if men are so horrible, why are relationships with gay men at the lowest for DV reports and lesbian raltionships are the highest? Because feminism had casted are horrible bet over everything to ensure men are always the bad guys. Feminism is a horrible as maga.

[NerdGuy89]

And also, I have had false allegations against me. No shark attacks and haven’t been raped by another guy.

[Asker]

How is it under reported? When women rape men, there's mostly men saying that he should’ve enjoyed it and liked it, TAKE SOME ACCOUNTABILITY. Dont be like them, help that man reach out and dont call him names.
Once again a man who has no idea what feminism is.
When did i say men are horrible again…?🤦‍♀️🥱

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism

[Asker]

And how did it end up for you? Give me details please.

[Anonymous]

A women could too. You just have to risk it.

[Asker]

well i dont date women, im not gonna risk my life for a man

[Anonymous]

Exactly. You know a man is committed to u when he writes all his property in your name , the mother of his children

[Asker]

Men do that all the time and still cheat and lie tho?

[Opinion Owner]

Nahhhh, most don’t do that

[Asker]

come on, yeah they do

[jahaims]

All humans can change out of nowhere. It doesn't have to be your husband lol

[Asker]

so? if my husband becomes a killer im the most likely victim.

[Staximus]

I know plenty of people that have never changed for many years

[Asker]

okay👍

[Staximus]

Like they're the same people they were 30 years ago

[Asker]

ok👍

[Staximus]

Just don't be a dumb ass and choose wisely

[Staximus]

You'll know if your head is not up your own ass and you actually pay attention in real life

[Staximus]

If you're dumb and have the observation skills of a rock and can't differentiate between good and bad people, then maybe you should just live life on the dumb computer and hide in your house from the real world forever and never take any risks

[Asker]

How am i supposted to know if someone is gonna change in 10 years?

[Asker]

and why so rude?

[FiveEight58]

Chance can be good or bad. Maybe they change for the better. It depends on how they change.

[Asker]

ah yes change and they become an abusive killer.

[midnightmoon05]

How old are you?

[Asker]

”under 18 years old” learn how to read troll

[midnightmoon05]

I saw that. Doesn’t tell me how old. Since you are under 18 and rude. You will not be a very happy person marriage or not.
Bye little miserable kid.!
Anyone you marrie, you will turn them miserable unless you change … but based on the way you chat with others… you sound mean.

[Asker]

dude what. no im just tired of ur bs u troll. learn how to spell, its marry. my god get a life troll

[midnightmoon05]

Little angry meanie. Enjoy living in misery.

[Asker]

says the 40 yr old trol

[midnightmoon05]

I’m living a good happy life. With a great job, beautiful family. That I work very hard to build. We planned good seeds, work the garden… now we see a beautiful garden. We now give away some of our flowers and fruits.
I hope our young people understand that. Instead of thinking the world owns them.
Good luck to you little meanie.

[Asker]

We’ll say so u troll

[jazzy34]

Under 18? Honey, focus on finishing high school.

[Asker]

i can focus on two things at once hun

[Phoenix98]

That's anyone though man or woman.

[Asker]

well i dont date women

[Phoenix98]

Fair enough.

[Asker]

yeah not everythings about you❤️

[Phoenix98]

When did I ever make it about me?

[Asker]

you as in men in general

[Phoenix98]

Ah now it makes sense why those men changed.

[Asker]

what? what men? I've never been with a man? not someone who’s changed either?

[Zionne]

thats why its so scary to marry

[Asker]

not risking my life for a man fr

[blackeagle007]

Change of?

[Asker]

change in a bad way, like he turns into a rapist, abuser, murderer etc

[Jammannn]

you're been watching too many of those tiktoks. you have more chance of dying via chicken.

[blackeagle007]

Maybe women should stop having unrealistic standards and quit expecting princess treatment

[Asker]

ah yes women should accept the bare minimum, this is what happens when women accept the bare minimum.

[Asker]

or maybe.. just maybe, men could be better people?🤯🤯

[blackeagle007]

I saw this video, man asks a woman what she brings to the table. Woman says “I am the table” goes to show women feel as if only men have to really prove themselves when women think they are perfect 10’s

[Asker]

not all women tho, the same way men think that.

[blackeagle007]

That woman represents all. Social says your a 10. Notice we don’t approach? We’ll just get rejected cause of ridiculous standards

[Asker]

okay so then i can say that rapists and murderers represent all men, still happy with that logic?

what? when did i say i was a 10? people dont approach because im under 18, and let me ask you, what are too high standards for you?

[Asker]

Let me tell you mine and you be the judge if they’re too high or not.

He has to be attractive to me

at least 170cm (im 165cm)

Should take care of himself (shower, shave armpits and stuff)

Should have good style

Should have good looking hair

Be okay with paying 50/50

Be able to support himself financially

Should have a job

Have manners

Be nice

Be respectful

Not be homophobic, racist, sexist or transphobic

Should be able to see women as more than just potential partners or sex toys

Be able to talk to women and have female friends

Should let me have male friends

Not cheat (obvi)

shouldn't want kids

Not be controlling