Everything about them feels right… the connection, the chemistry, the way they treat you…
But then you meet their family… and it’s a completely different story.
At that point… do you keep going, or do you start looking for the exit lol?
Honestly, a toxic family can be a huge turn off for me. I know the family does not represent the person, but if they still have them in their life, it still affects yours if you're dating them. And in a lot of cases, genetics don't lie. Estimates from behavioural genetics research suggest that genetic factors account for about 30% to 60% of the variance in personality traits.
The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. There is truth in that quote and it's been observed throughout human history.
I had a toxic mother of a guy I was in a serious relationship with. His parents were divorced and holidays were HORRIBLE! His dad and stepmother lived 4 hrs away, so, trying to fit them in for major holidays, like Christmas and Thanksgiving, were really hard. If he spent time with his dad and stepmother, his mom would be pissed and think he chose them over her. And of course, we would spend time with my family and his mom would say he's choosing them over her! Which was ridiculous, because my family always came last, because a couple brothers of mine were in the same situation lol 😆 There were times, Christmas lasted a month before all families were covered. His mom would celebrate her daughter's boyfriend's birthday but never mine! But his dad would invite us to his place for my birthday. Long story short, it did strain our relationship but that wasn't why it ended, I'm just glad it did end. Thank you! The end.
I'm personally a big family person. I want my spouse's parents and family to be very involved in major events like marriage, pregnancy, raising a child and all. Maybe because I wasn't able to openly express myself infront of my own family and especially relatives, I want to seek that from my future spouse's family. ObviousI need that small village kind of environment. So if the family is toxic then it would be a turn off. But if the person is really good and doesn't let the toxic family get into their decision making then I guess it would be fine as long as we live in our own terms.
I would continue dating her ,? only if she doesn’t allow her toxic family to control her and to make her decisions , but if she allows her family to do so , then it’s best to walk away. Unfortunately some people allow their families to control them and make decisions for them , that influence them to do what they want them to do , without making decisions for themselves. I dated some girls’ that allowed their parents’ to control her and make decisions for her and that to me was a huge turn off , that she just wanted to keep the peace instead of saying what she really wanted to say. Me personally never allows my family to have any say about who I like and who I date , whether they like her or not , it’s not their decision to make , so it goes in one ear out the other. All that matters is she treats me good and respects me like I respect her , it’s her and I vs. the world , not the other way around
Opinion
35Opinion
If the family lives across the country or that someone amazing doesn't really associate with them then it's something to think about but if that family is a big part of their life... RUN don't walk.
"Kind of toxic" family would not be a problem. "A very toxic" family would be. In a relationship, you become part of your partner's family, whether you want to be or not.
They can’t control their family so long as she isn’t like that….. I would date her.
We dont choose our parents, putting up with a toxic family can go both ways. I mean yes sure there will be a lot of problems. But if that person is capable of loving a bunch of people that are hard to love. The result is they love more then the average person.
I think what makes it worth it or not depends on if this person let's their toxic family bring them down or if they "hold" that toxic family together, bringing them up.
In my experience the more problems a person has; the more potential they have. Ironically, the toxic family is the thing that makes them so AMAZING...
I don't know if I agree with that but that's a good statement man!
The world you all live in has a lot of bad ending and no hope. In my world things got better... in my world people learned to help and improve each other; not bring each other down... I dont live in a world without hope; people can always get better. Agree to disagree 😉
My toxic family taught me to be stronger and more positive, I created a better world for myself because of them. Not inspite of them...
What you both said made me wish I wouldn't have shared... my problem has been toxic people that think they are better then me, not the people below me.
First you have to determine if this person agrees with you or not regarding their family. If you think the family is toxic and he/she thinks they're great, or even fine, you've got a real problem to consider. If they agree with you, determine how much of a part would they play in your life if you were together.
Most people won't cut their families out completely unless it's really, severely toxic and detrimental to be around them. You would need some kind of believable assurance they wouldn't be part of your lives together if you were to proceed. You may have to put up with a few holiday gatherings annually, but more than 3 would be pushing it.
"The fruit does not fall far from the tree" ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
My dad always told me to never consider a committed relationship with anyone until you have had at least one serious knock-down drag-out fight with them - it is then that you will know who they truly are.
At best, in reality, marriage is to a family not an individual.
"To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid" ~Unknown
m I believe that the influence of uprising (and lack of) is so massive that it should not be ignored. It also depends on what you mean with "kind of toxic", concretely. So, in my opinion, even someone escaping, emerging from a dysfunctional family still carries that legacy one way or another. When in doubt, I would probably try to pay attention to their family's dynamic and look at how it gets reflected onto my lover?
Also, and that's specifically for you, if you've been in objectively toxic relationships before, if you didn't see it coming when it happened then please pay even more attention to patterns you may fall for
Yes, but take back your cash, my brain isn't for sale
🤓🤓
It depends on how they are around their family or regarding their family. Do they add to our are they complicit to the toxicity or do they avoid their family and acknowledge cut off the toxicity?
Having a toxic family myself, someone else having one isn't a deal breaker, but if they didn't recognize, anywhere and take steps to heal from and address the toxicity, that toxicity will stay during up in other areas of your relationship eventually. If they do take those steps though, I'm walking with them hand in hand
It's hard meeting amazing people these days. That would not deter me from pursuing the relationship. I can be polite with his family and keep my opinions to myself unless my partner wants to actually know how I actually feel about his family. Either way, I would follow his lead since it's his family.
yes i would keep dating them. because im dating them not their family.
however i would limit my interactions with them and probably wouldn't go to her family events and hope she would understand.
but anyways my brothers wifes parents were kinda ehhh but they still got engaged, married and have a nice family. so this would not be a deal breaker for me personally.
Im curious about your thoughts on this @7Phoenix7
Yeah same.
Also i might be constantly asking myself how she turned out normal lol
If you have any sense you walk away. If their family is that toxic then it's not as though they escaped it. They are just good at masking it which in many ways is even worse than if it's obvious. That saying about the Apple not falling far from the tree is actually true.
What you are trying to do is self characterological or personality. Problems with therapy and therapy does not work. For those kinds of problems. In my profession we do not treat personality disorders because the available treatments for them don't work and they are a waste of time. You can find this out on your own by getting involved with such a person who is promising to get therapy and after a while you will find out that it didn't work. Much to your regret. Walk away.
Yeah I've seen that too that this one toxic family from the Bronx both of her children got married without her present That says a lot and unfortunately both of her children had problems with their marriage respectively They even move to opposite ends of the United States to get away from the toxic family structure. Businesses jobs therapy and still family dysfunction following them and all the work and all the money spent to move away. My God it's sad man!
I'm out. It's not worth it. I rented an Airbnb for 20 people and spent the weekend with my now wife's family so I could see what they were like. We had so much fun I had to ask her to marry me.
It depends on the level of involvement that would be expected of you if you two become a couple. I know a horrible situation where someone stayed with his girlfriend in spite of her parents being completely toxic, and the worst part he was expected to participate in family events. No thank you. I'd walk.
If she's an amazing person then that means her family didn't influence her and that either she isn't close to them much at all, or she loves them and spends time with them, but sees their massive flaws and doesn't follow their examples.. It's mostly likely the former, seeing as you don't become a opposite of what your family is if you spend time around them that's not obligatory.. So yeah, I would based on those factors..
I’d walk away. I’m not dealing with long term toxic family that you can’t expect them to be able to change or leave.
Nobody is perfect or perfect families. Even the Windsors
Don't be too upright and uptight good Abby now @abbycado 😇
I would make like a tree and leave! You know how the saying goes, "The nut doesn't fall far from the tree."
When you're a white guy who dates Black women, their families are almost always toxic.
I think the family as a whole indicates something about a member of it. Parents get their children by both nature and nurture.
There is strong evidence that crim parents have crim children from adoption stats. A family has never had a member jailed for a crime but an adopted child is. And it turns out the adopted child is from a crim family.
If the mom has divorced 5 husbands you might want to think about marrying her daughter.
Yeah no joke about that.
@Cuminginside The daughter's mom was probably bringing guys home from when she was a little girl so that would be normal for the daughter too but not what you want.
Hmm I don't know that's a tough one because the more serious you get with them the more entangled your gonna be with their family.
It would depend on how toxic the family was and how close she was to them. But I would probably stick with her unless her family still had control over her. I would just avoid the family and help/encourage her to do the same.
I would think it would depend on the relationship the SO has with the family. If there are sufficient boundaries that keep everyone safe, I'd think it's worth pursuing until it isn't. Give it a chance.
People from a horrible family are usually horrible, or damaged beyond repair. Like Donald Trump.
Yeah but he makes more money than you could ever dream of homeboy! Check that Vibe homie!
@Cuminginside ew I’d rather date a broke guy who is amazing
I've been though , no matter what they say they end up being drawn back to the family.
Move on , let them be , and wallow in their crime and destruction.
My ex had this problem and I was lucky that it kind of pushed her further into my arms. But it made it way harder emotionally on me to break up with her. It wasn't a good feeling at all.
That's the way of putting their blame on you even though it's their fault.
I meant I felt like I was throwing her back into a den of wolves
Their mom is literally the dumbest person in my sphere, if it weren't for him, id have nothing to do with her. I feel dumber for having spent more than 5 minutes in her presence. She is known independently by others in my sphere and they all have said the same thing.
That said, the Apple fell far from that tree, and I love him.
I'm still pursuing. Those kind of people need love the most
I hear that Make sure the warmth doesn't burn you up.
@KostasKouvalis you can give them love without being in a romantic relationship lol
I know
If she's allowing them to influence her, then I have to walk away.
Walk away. There are lots of decent women out there, too many for me to entangle with one who has a garbage family.
If the family is really toxic, I run.(I can't run due to my stroke five years ago, but you get the point.)
I don't think I would want/need the drama. So that's a hard pass.
You're right people are not putting up with it no more
i'm assuming this person knows their family is toxic and has treated them toxic so they removed themselves from their family and don't really associate with them and told their partner about it all. if not, then they are likely also toxic.
I'm dating the guy, not his family. If they're a problem I'll just keep my distance to them.
Yes but they have influence over the person you're dating whether you like it or not. Even though you're not fu cking the family they can fu ck you over. Yeah I know it's twisted I've seen it too much in psychology far too much.
Keep seeing the guy and move us somewhere far, far away, from his family; if possible.
I would walk away. Life is too short for that kind of drama.
It would depend on whether she has established boundaries with her family. No boundaries no go.
I don't walk away right away but her family would give me pause. It would cause me to look at her much harder. Because people are generally a product of thier family and friends. Not always, but usually. There is an exception to every rule.
It would depend on if the person recognizes the toxicity and has made the conscious decision to step away from it.
I had a very serious relationship with a girl that had a toxic, stepfather It caused us to break up
How did you process that she was toxic and how did you feel after breaking up with her and getting away from her stepfather? It is possible that her family naturally was normal until stepdad stepped n the picture.
If they are toxic that they can tell and are willing to walk away as well the definitely presue
Once your with that person and your kinda with the family too. You have to decide if you want it or not.
You're dathing them, not their family
*dating
Make sure they don't have influence over the person that you are dating
Understandably. But usually I would mention it first. If they don't want to do anything about the toxic abuse, then i would leave
You are dating them, not their family
No lol. Why would you say that
Oh sorry 🥺 it seems like you are never on here anymore lol
Sure. Idgaf
Leave- better late than never.
I’d keep going … they’re worth it
Depends how bad the family is...
Walk away
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