Guys, can I get your opinion in this please? It's a financial situation?

[Anonymous]

I asked this a few days ago but didn't get many answers so i'm asking again hoping I get more engagement from guys. Basically - I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have a very strong relationship, we know we want to marry in the future and we talked about it several times. Basically, he is a geologist and I work as a receptionist (I did go to university but I haven't been able to get a job in my area). I have been feeling really frustrated lately because I was saving money to go on an internship that involves another country, but I'll end up using that money to get a visa so I'm able to live in the same country as my partner (I came here as an international student), obviously I've decided to do this because I love this man with all my heart, but I am sort of putting a dream aside and it's hard. He's helping me pay half of my visa as it as it is a partners visa and is quite expensive. The internship I was saving for would be a really important career investment as my field is very experienced based (I'm a biologist). My boyfriend got vacation work recently (he has one one more semester to go at university) and was able to make a lot of money and he keeps saying he wants to help me pay with my internship because he knows it has been my dream to go that country my whole life and that i'm holding it for him but I feel horrible accepting financial help because we are talking about 5k, it's not little money [He made a little under 20k in the two months he worked, but I think he should save everything?]. I don't know what to do, I told him I want him to save that money for his dreams and stuff and he keeps saying we are a team and he wants to help me reach my dreams. It's so bloody kind from him but I dont know if I should accept his help. He keeps saying he won't take no as an answer, but like ugh I dunno.. if I did accept his help i would pay him back over the year (s) but I dunno. What do you think?

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[talloak]

You're putting him in a bad position because you are taking contradictory stances. On the one hand, you don't want to give up your dream and feel that you would miss out if you did because of the expenses. If you did you would come to resent him for it on some level. On the other hand, he is offering you the means to live your dream but you are refusing it for fear that it would put him out. You are in no position to regret losing something that he is trying so hard to give you (and can afford to give you). Are you afraid that he will resent you for it later?

Your insistence at paying him back treats his offer not as a gift but as a debt. That does not seem to be the way he sees it at all. By calling your relationship a partnership, he sees the money as an investment in both of you, not as a loan to an outsider. If he believes it will make you happy and give a future you want, he will want to give you the money for that reason. And if he doesn't have immediate need for the money, he is not giving up his dreams by giving it to you.

[Asker]

Yeah you're right when you say I've been taking contradictory stances. The reason I feel bad is because I dont want him to ever think I'm with him for money because that's far from the truth, we met when we were both pretty broke lol and i know he doesn't think that, it's just at the back of my mind I guess and I've always been a very independent person and never in my life had this support system, so I just feel like I dont know how to react to it if that makes sense, I never had having someone supporting me in everything that I do the way he does, but thank you so much for your answer, I needed to hear that :)

[Anonymous]

As nice as this all sounds, you may not realise this, but in time you may resent him for it (subconsciously).

Something else he may not realise either. On one hand his actions may seem attractive (subconsciously) because it shows he can provide, but on the other hand you have not earned such a gift ( I assume) if we are talking 5K of his hard earned cash.

It's possible that somewhere within, you do not feel that you truly deserve it, or have earned it. Therefore it seems naive and even potentially irresponsible for him to offer you that money.

Obviously I'm looking at this from a purely, cold and non romantic way, but think about it.

[Asker]

Yeah, well I should’ve phrased it better, he wouldn’t lay the full amount coz I have about 2k for it and hopefully will be able to get a few more so he wants to help me with whatever I can’t afford. You pointed fair points tho. Thank you!

[Avicenna]

If he says he wants to do it, let him