How do you deal with difficult coworkers?

[Anonymous]

I’m a little frustrated with one of my coworkers. She’s always been very critical. She isn’t my boss or my supervisor, and all of my reviews from the higher ups come back stellar, but it still bothers me. I used to think that she hated me, until I noticed that she’s like that with everyone else too.

She’ll also randomly make big gestures of friendship, like when she asked what my favorite show was, and then that weekend watched three seasons so as to start a conversation about it, even though she said it wasn’t the sort of show she likes. She also offers to drive me places all the time (I take the train to work), and will tell me that we “make a good team.”

I can deal with her opinions on my work. What makes me mad is when she comments on my personal life, or worse, tries to psychoanalyze behaviors that I have that she doesn’t like, even though they don’t effect her in the slightest. That part she only does to me. I don’t know if it’s because of my age - I’m the youngest employee at my job - or if she’s trying to be friends.

I get to work about a half hour early. I read on the train, and I’ll usually finish my chapter in the lounge/break room when I get there, before work starts. I’ll also read sometimes during lunch.

Today she had an issue with how many times I say “hello.” I say hello when I hear people walk into the lounge. I don’t usually look up immediately to see who it is, because I get engrossed in whatever I’m reading. Apparently I said hello to her three times today (I guess she counted?), and she said I should only say it once in a day, and then asked if I say it “as a reaction to something.” (What would that even be a reaction to?)

I’m annoyed. I’m used to her being critical, but that comment really irked me. So I’m partially here to vent, but also to ask for tips. Because it’s gotten to the point where just being around her makes me feel stressed.

[mobiusforniner]

With people like this, whatever you respond is just fuel for their fire. Ignore them. Dont say anything. Let them trash talk. Stay silent and mysterious. You see, people like this crave attention, so the most insulting thing you can do to them is to not care. You react with complete indifference.

Pretty soon others start to hear her and see her behaviors which speak for themselves. From the sounds of it, she feels you're competition, so she's trying to learn about you and stab you in the back while she has the opportunity.

Again, indifference is the key here. Its a lot harder than it sounds because our natural tendency is to defend ourselves. If you know who YOU are, be yourself and she will show everyone who she IS.

I work in executive management and deal with all kinds of personalities. So trust me on this one.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for this comment. I try to ignore her. I don’t know why her comment this morning bothered me so much. It’s just such a strange thing to have a problem with, and something that I’ve never in my life even given a second thought to. And she acted like it was so personal. She said it freaked her out that I said hello every time she walked into the room, and asked why I “feel the need to say that.” So for the rest of the day I was in my head about it, catching myself before I would say anything.

Normally I can deal with her. She’s less critical about my work than she is about everyone else’s, and I’m the only person she ever says anything nice to. She has no friends at work. From what she’s told me it sounds like she has no friends at all, and I know she’s mad that she hasn’t been promoted at work and other people have after not being there as long.

I think she goes back and forth between resenting me and wanting to be friends. And I think that she knows on some level that I’m not incompetent, at least compared to how she sees everyone else at work. But then she makes comments about my personal life, and the inflection that I speak with, and all sorts of little things that she never brings up with anyone else. She told me once that it’s a nuisance for me to carry my water bottle around with me. I could deal with that though. Today’s comment just got to me.

Thank you, again. Your response was thoughtful, and helped me feel like I’m not crazy for thinking that what she’s doing is unusual, and for not really knowing what to do.

[mobiusforniner]

If it helps any, exercise some empathy while maintaining self respect. People who do this, from my experience, are internally broken. Their reactions are not your fault, but at least it can lend some perspective into why they behave the way they do.

I have people at work who do this to me, too. Especially being in a high visibility management position, i will always have nay sayers trying to bring me down. Again, I approach such conflict with silence. It shows 1) i maintain self control and 2) I dont have time for childish games. This, in turn, garners the respect of others. And soon enough, the nay sayer is confronted with the choice to either follow suit or drown alone.
This is by no means an easy thing to do. Because it requires you to have vision. You know who you are and where you want to be. Adopt this, and you will earn respect, gain followers, become influential and go far.
You are doing the right thing. Best of luck to you.

[Adam1978]

She is annoyed and bug you because she wants you. And you don't give her any attention. I would set her straight and say that you neither want freindship or a relationship. And you should stop saying hello to people if you don't intend to at least give them eye contact. It's no longer polite if you hide your head in a book or paper and don't take the time to lookup.

[Asker]

I do look up. It just isn’t until after I say hello. I finish the sentence I’m on and then glance up to see who it is and if they want anything. There’s barely a second or so in between.

If she thought I was being rude she would have said to look up more. She is quite direct. But she didn’t. And no one else has ever had a problem with it. The hello is basically meant partially as a “I’ll be with you in a second,” if they want anything, and I am.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@Adam1978 - She is annoyed and bug you because she wants you.

Kindly get your head examined. This woman doesn't bug her because she "wants you". She bugs because she's a micromanager. They exist in the workforce. Typically at jobs which require more skills than flipping burgers. If you've only ever flipped burgers in your life, you wouldn't know this.

[Adam1978]

I am an computer/software engineer and have done my fair share of other works before that. Including flipping burgers at a bar, You do not offer rides or try to nest yourself into other life if your a micromanager, This is a typical pattern from women approaching men. Orbit instead of being direct. You being a woman might not get this because you are straight and that isn't how men do these things.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@Adam1978 - ROFL. Interesting that for a computer engineer your understanding of English isn't the greatest. The OP said that she takes the train, etc. The woman offered a ride out of courtesy. Do you know what that words mean or shall I mail you a dictionary?

[Adam1978]

Yes I understand what it means. It means instead of taking the commute she would take on that responsibility with a car. Why don't you think I understood that part? People women especially don't offer things for free, there is always a catch. So she going the extra mile for that means she wants something from you.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@Adam1978 - ROFL. You're a moron. She didn't want anything from the OP. She offered a ride as a means of lording it over her. Like how she has been critquing everything else in the OP's lifestyle.

She's a bully. Simpleton. There's no alternative means or method to her behavior.

[Adam1978]

You are the moron that can't see others view, I haven't experienced the situation and you can't really bully a guy like me. Because it would be like bullying a wall. So her actions would have no impact on me. I would simply make her fall on her face in her attempts. You simply freeze them out, they will never be a part of the circle if they can't play nice. You don't pick your coworkers but you do pick how you deal with them. I would have a strict and cold work relationship with only the interaction needed to do my work.

[Anonymous]

If it was my old job I’d stand tall and give them a piece of my mind. My current job I work with a guy who doesn’t really say a bunch and thinks he’s better than me. I got pissed off at him as he told me we aren’t doing that as I was informed at my past two jobs on how to do motors. I literally got pissed and walked away. I’ve been saying in my head a couple more months then I can lay into him. I’m protected after a couple more months. It’s just really hard.

[EmyyWolf]

LMAOO!!
Thank Goodness I work overnights ALONE! I used to deal with stupid BRAINDEAD, entitled, no-good coworkers all the time when I worked at McDonalds.

😂🖕

F-K working with people lol.

Not every simpleton is normal like you. I always was the quiet type. If there was someone that was quieter and more shy than I, I left them alone. In the workplace you ALWAYS ALWAYS find these mental narcissists.

[EmyyWolf]

They always SUCK UP your energy and SUCK UP your emotions like leaches. My advice is to try your best to cut conversations short. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, or try to talk to someone else as soon as you see her.
Pretend you need to make a call. Pretend to be on your phone. Pretend to be texting someone of importance. Prete to be so focused on your phone that you can’t hear what she’s saying. Then act like you didn’t hear her, and make her repeat herself.

Eventually she’ll loose interest in you and go leach of someone else. Older women tend to be super jealous of younger women too. So just keep that In mind always. If they ask about your life story , tell lies. 😈

[Guy13]

This girl has a crush on you and is already trying to micromanage your life. Cease and desist speaking about you personal life with her unless you like her critiques,

[Asker]

I don’t tell her about my personal life anymore. I used to, because she would ask. But now it’s mostly conversations that I’m having with other people and she walks in on. She tried to analyze a dream I had today too, when I was telling a friend about it, because it was funny and had to do with work. And of course her analysis was one that said something bad about me, in this case that I make small problems out to be bigger ones in my head.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

@Guy13 - This girl has a crush on you and is already trying to micromanage your life.

No the girl doesn't have a crush on her. She's a micromanger, they exist in jobs that require more skills than flipping burgers. If you've only ever flipped burgers as a career you may not know this.

She was asking about the OP's personal life as a means of finding fault because that is her personality - she is a mean person. A bully to be exact.

Hardly the behaviors of someone with a crush.

[SecretsofKB]

Honestly, I just try to limit contact as much as possible. We have a lot of travelers come through my job and so we get a wide range of people and personalities. I just tend to avoid as much as possible those that I don't get along with.

[ArrowheadSW]

Do you find that the traveling employees tend to be more problematic?

[SecretsofKB]

@ArrowheadSW kind of. They can be great but also not great.

[Anonymous]

In that situation I normally discuss the problem with a manager and they’ll talk to the coworker in confidentiality. If not, try to avoid conversation with her; or in fact don’t even say “Hello” to her and maybe she’ll realize her comments are sassy and uncalled for. Or best approach is to literally confront her and tell her how you feel.

[TrillXHippy]

I had a coworker like that and someone who actually is my boss told me how she’d complain about the things that I do. Boss says how great I do while that girl just had a problem with whatever I do. She’s lucky that I’m nothing like my brothers and she’s lucky that I can control my temper. I can just feel the anger building up inside me whenever she felt like she’s in charge. Never did anything because of my patience

[Dreamclouds]

She seems frustrated, always be careful what people you let in your life and how much information you give about yourself, it is nice to be polite and even opened but do that with people that make you feel free not ones that try to lock you into their eeird states and energies.

[bolverk]

Go 'Grey Rock' and keep your interactions with them to a minimum, be polite, but record everything they do/say, just in case you are hauled into HR because of a complaint.

[TallAnon]

Let my manager know they are hard to work with and ignore them for anything non-vital

[Exterminatore]

Ignore and avoid them at all costs.

[Luopio27]

I change the job. I quit and move on.

[Anonymous]

A firm back-hand to the right cheek.