How do I deal with a passive aggressive coworker?

[LLIEGE2939]

I have been in my job for only two months so I’m still new to the role and learning. I have completed most of my training but there’s still some procedures I need to learn. I have noticed that one of my coworkers who is a level above me keeps sending me passive agressive emails and teams messages relating to my work.

I would say that I pay great attention to detail and I’m a great team player so I make sure that all my work is done to the best of my ability. However because I’m new I am still making mistakes, but the way this colleague deals with them is coming off as passive aggressive and is starting to make me lose faith in my ability to do my job properly.

For instance I made a mistake of creating a duplicate file of a file I had been doing work on and my colleague sent me a message on teams saying ‘can you please sort this out so we will be able to add the questions into the database’ and then sent me an email saying ‘in future can you be extra careful because it makes more work for us’ and kept referring back to it. On another time when she was training me on a particular task and when I was struggling with it she said ‘hmmm we’ve done this before I’m sure’. Then before I went off for holidays there were some emails which other colleagues were told to reply to. I was told to leave it because I’m still in training and haven’t been signed off on emails yet. And then she started sending me passive aggressive massages saying ‘this should have really been sorted out before Christmas because now there’s going to be a backlog of messages now that we’ll have to pick up’. So I apologised and said there wasn’t anything I could do about it because I’d been told I couldn’t send off emails yet.

How do I deal with this colleague making passive aggressive remarks about my work?

[zeitgeist057]

Stay calm and professional, there is hope!

1. I don't know if these are just 1 on 1 messages and emails, but I would always include AT LEAST one other person in any emails to her (such as your supervisor, or anyone else on the team that the message might affect), and 2ndly let her know you want her to do the same (include your supervisor at the minimum) whenever she messages you. This doesn't have to be snooty or anything, just as a professional measure, and you can use the excuse you are new, or simply stick to the line that it is a professional practice that you think is appropriate.

2. Let your supervisor know what is happening, and that you want to do the best job possible. If your supervisor feels you need extra training or review, that's up to them. Not your colleague. But if you are questioning your worth, it's good to ask your supervisor for feedback and to see if they can validate or help you. If you are falling behind, then it's fine to get training if needed; that's proactive.

One thing I would advise is do not apologize or defend yourself ("So I apologised and said there wasn’t anything I could do about it because I’d been told..."). There are some communication techniques you could employ here, which I think are really helpful. When you practice these techniques (active listening, reflection, silence, clarifying questions, &c.), you allow the other person to express themselves without taking on any of their energy yourself. Sometimes when you do this, it's cathartic for the person and they realize you are not the issue at all, it's like you are their therapist and you let them work through it on their own.

There is a really great book I would recommend to you, which you can get on audiobook, digital, or hard copy. I got it free from my library and have read it twice. I'll definitely read it again, as well.

https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805

really inspiring. Just remember to stay calm and use the techniques. They work!

[ManOnFire]

You could talk to this person first one on one and express to her how she's making you feel because you're still new and still training. If your manager is like mine, they might even encourage you to do that first. There is no crime in trying to work things out with a co-worker, and if it goes to HR - which I doubt - you can explain your side along with the emails you get from her, and you will most likely be fine.

But if you're really not comfortable with it then you can talk to your manager about it, and also show them the emails.

[IslaTheWitch]

Try to talk to this person. Prepare a description of situations, describe how they made you feel (discouraged, unmotivated, left behind, don't use words like stupid), and propose a change. Don't expect anything, but repeat it frequently.

You can do it in written form. Or personally with an email as a confirmation of the meeting. Remember, you speak about your emotions. Don't attack this person's behavior, but suggest changes which would make you feel more welcome.

[Demonatrix]

I would go talk to HR about the issue to stop anything from escalating if you say something on your own.

[Mr_twoface]

Dealing with passive-aggressive behavior can be challenging, but addressing it calmly, assertively, and professionally is essential for maintaining a productive and healthy work environment.

- Remain calm and composed when confronted with passive-aggressive comments. Reacting emotionally can more often sadly escalate the situation. If you however feel comfortable, then calmly and assertively address the issue with the colleague. Ask for clarification or express your concerns about their comments.

- Document incidents: Keep a record of instances where your colleague makes passive-aggressive comments. This documentation may be helpful if you need to escalate the issue.

- If possible, avoid getting drawn into arguments or defensive responses. Responding calmly or not responding at all can be effective in discouraging further passive-aggressive behavior.

- If possible, talk to a trusted supervisor, HR department, or a manager about the issue if it continues and affects your work environment. Share your concerns and provide any documentation you've gathered. Then continue to prioritize your tasks and do your best despite the comments. Ultimately, your work will speak for itself.

Last but not least take care of your well-being by managing stress through relaxation techniques, exercise, and maintaining a healthy work-life balance.

Best of luck!

[RavVid]

Difficult. You have to cop the mistakes on the chin - anything else will look bad.

Try a deep breath or two and wait to see if it gets better. I'm not sure it is wise to talk to her because you just confirm she is getting to you. Talk to your colleagues

[Lara_Croft]

Simple- you tell her what you just told us. Explain that obviously you're new to the role and the manner she's been treating you has been coming off as passive-aggressive. Explain that you're a hard worker and give your best to your work...

[Static_In_The_Attic]

GET A LIFE!

Send this to your coworker!

[BoopBoopBeep]

Leave a bullet on her desk. Make sure you wipe it down first. Two can play games.

[Jkgordon]

Ignore them and when they say or do something slick call them on it

[Iron_Man]

Go over her head and talk to a supervisor that she’s nitpicking you I wouldn’t like that either

[Booklover_90]

Make sure you save those emails. That’s your evidence. Also, is this person your supervisor or just a colleague?

[SotiCoto]

Report every single one to HR. Individually.

[serious_miss419]

Certain jobs require azz kissing. You chose that job, so now you have to deal with it.

[91bryce91]

try to befriend a serial killer and explain your situation to him

[laly520]

get a proof or record then contact the boss

[2_beHappy]

Tell her.

[RedInnocent68]

Kill them.