The name's Hammer... Jack Hammer. While I may look like your typical handsome man, looks can be deceiving. The truth is that I am a world saver. I save the world for a living. It's not an easy job, but someone has to do it. Otherwise, there wouldn't be a world left.
I am a member of the WSO. That stands for the World Saver Organization. We used to have many members, but all of them died saving the world -- all but me. I am the last of the world savers. The fate of the world now rests entirely on my muscular shoulders.
RING-RING! ... RING-RING! ... RING-RING!
Jack Hammer: This is Jack.
President: Jack, my name is Donald Trump and I am the president of the United States of America. Let me tell ya, there are bad guys, Duke. They are very bad. Very, very bad. You won't believe how bad they are. They're so bad. We need you to find them and destroy them. They have to be destroyed. Because they're bad, Duke. They're so bad. MAGA!
Jack: I'm on it. [click]
Vroom vroom... VROOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!
I drive to my underground base of operations. It is located in a very secret location. I would tell you where it is but then I would have to kill you. I don't want to kill you, so I don't want to tell you where it is.
I am a very skilled computer hacker. I use my hacking skills to keep track of all government operations throughout the world. Now I will use my computer hacking skills to locate the bad guys.
I discover the location of the bad guys. They are located in a very dangerous place. But that is okay because I am born to face danger. "Danger" is like my middle name. It's not actually but that would have been a fitting one for me if it was.
I find the bad guys. There are like 200 of them.
They are no match for me. I fight them and cut through them like butter. I don't even bother to use a weapon. My whole body is a lethal weapon.
EAT MY FIST!
I am down to the last guy, but he has taken a girl hostage.
Bad guy: Stop! Put your hands behind your back or the girl gets it!
I raise my hands slowly in the air and put them behind my back. Then I reach for my throwing knife sheathed behind my neck and throw it with a flick of the wrist at the bad guy. It hits him square in the head, instantly killing him.
Girl: OMG! You saved me! You are such a hero!
She runs and lunges at me, hugging me and kissing me.
Smooch smooch, tongue, slurp slurp, smooch, smooch, tongue, slurp.
I tell her she's safe now thanks to me and that if I wasn't around, she'd probably be dead. She asks me to marry her but I tell her that it is too dangerous and we must part ways. She tells me she will miss me. I tell her I will always be with her in her memories and give her an autographed picture of me.
She gives me her bra and tells me to keep it with me so that I will never forget about her.
Now I must go upstairs to the top floor of the enemy location. So I go up the stairs.
At the top of the stairs, I find a very big bad guy.
He is the boss of the bad guys. I must defeat him to save the world. This final fight will determine the fate of the entire world. If I lose the world will be destroyed. If I win, it won't be.
Boss Bad Guy: There has been too much violence, too much pain. None here are without sin. But I will offer you an honorable compromise. Just walk away. Leave our base, and I will spare your life. Just walk away. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.
I say "no". I am not the type to walk away. When I start something, I finish it. That's the type of man I am. It would be very unsatisfying to get this far and just walk away. So I'm not going to do that. I tell him that.
The bad guy punches me. He is strong. I fall down.
My life flashes before my eyes. I remember my training at the World Saver Organization. I was fighting the other members and my trainer looked at me and said I was the best he's ever seen. I remember winning all sorts of medals. Many people cheered and applauded me and I kept winning more medals.
An apparition of my trainer appears before me.
Trainer: Jack, get up! Get up Jack!
Why, why should I get up? I am tired of all this fighting. I have been fighting all my life.
Trainer: Because the world needs you. Because we all need you. You're the only one that can save this world. No one else can do it but you. You're the best among us. You're the strongest, the smartest, the fastest. You're the only one left that can do it.
I reach into the pocket and pull out the bra the girl gave me before.
I look at it fondly. I forgot her name but she was quite good-looking.
Yes, the world needs me! I am the only one that can save it! I can do it!
I get up to the surprise of the bad guy and grin at him. His punch really hurt but I pretend that it didn't hurt at all. Now he looks a bit worried. I pull out a chainsaw.
Brum-brum-brum..... brum-brum.... BRRRUUUUMMMMMMMMM!!!!
I cut off his arms. Now he cannot punch me anymore. Then I cut off his legs. Now he cannot run away. Finally, I finish the job and cut into his neck.
Bad Guy: RAARARRRRRRGHHRRHGHRHHHHHHH!
Bad Guy: GURGLEEEEE GURRRGLLLEEE KRRSSHHH! KRRSSSHHHHHHH!
Now his head has been cut off. He is dead now. I have saved the world again. I will go home now and take a shower. I got a lot of blood on my clothes and face. That was a good workout. I should rest at least 48 hours before I do that again to let my muscles recover properly.