Though I am childfree and I did eventually marriy a childfree man, my last myTake about being childfree triggered some memories I have about dating single dads before I met him, and what I went through trying to not only please the man I was with, but to try and win over his kids.
As strange as it seems, not being “mom material” actually did us more favours between the child and I. Being disconnected from that realm made me not want to be the child’s mother, but rather their friend. In a lot of ways, this approach worked a whole lot better. I noticed many female friends struggling their hardest to impress and be the step-mommy figure – a picture they paint as being the back-up mom, but when they tried and found a lot of things didn’t work, I realized maybe that was the problem. “Trying too hard” repels kids. It doesn’t even work with their own biological parents!
Here are my own tips from experience (sorry, but it's mainly from a woman's perspective) how you can switch your thinking from Impressing to Improving to help strengthen the bond you have with your new love’s kids.
Auntie Ozanne’s Guide to Winning Over the Daughters
1. Understand that these girls know they already have a mom. To try to one-up your boyfriend’s ex might impress him but certainly not his daughters. Mom and daughter bonds can be pretty thick, and to have another woman come in and try and squeeze in the middle of that will actually hurt your cause. Instead, understand your place as just being dad’s new partner and that you are there for her as another adult in her life.
2. Tap in to your inner highschool self. Why? Because it really will be like highschool with her. Even if she’s younger or older than highschool years, to show you’re always going to be on her side is very important to her. Young girls possess an insecurity that they won't be able to shake for a while, so to show you're on their side helps build some confidence. It doesn’t matter what the issue, even when her own mother and father have issues with her dreams of becoming a famous actress, you can still be in her corner and be her cheerleader to encourage her to follow a dream. All kids need someone like that in their lives, it may as well be you.
3. Don’t be a doormat. Girls know very quickly what the spectrum is between being a doormat and being too strict. Find that footing in the middle where you can diplomatically stand your ground if you have to, without coming across as a threat. Example: She says, “Hey you’re not my mom, you can’t tell me what to do.” You: “That’s true, I’m not your mom. You’re also not my daughter, so I guess that means I really don’t have to take you to the mall and buy you clothes like I have been. Or give you $20 to go to the movies with your friends on weekends. Or keep baking you those chocolate chip cookies you like so much. But I don’t want to stop doing all of that, because I love you now. The reason I’m making rules is because part of loving you is looking out for you too, not just looking after you.”
Auntie Ozanne’s Guide to Winning Over the Sons
1. Give the boy his time with his father. Boys require that father/son time so much that any time that is taken away, is very noticeable and never forgotten. How often do you hear men who were raised by single dads say, “He was never there for me.” Almost always it’s because his dad found a new woman. He might get his son on weekends, the precious time you only get off from work to go camping or want to go out on the town, but remember that you decided to commit to a man with a son, therefore there will be limitations. You are going to be remembered best in years to come for allowing the father/son bond to flourish during his developing years. And boys tend to show appreciation to step-moms by being their pal. Not to mention, your partner will think you're incredible, and the love may even be better between you.
2. Don’t be so overprotective. Women never grew up as a boy to know what their inner dare-devil was like and how far they could go. Boys could never be chopper-parented as they always would find a way to do something…um… stupid. If we thought their lives were always at stake, most of them would have presumed to be in hospitals frequently between the ages of 10-17. A boy learns young how to take care of himself, and a new woman in the picture usually doesn’t understand that, especially if she’s not a mom yet herself. Rule of thumb here is, if your partner and his ex aren’t hopping up overly excited, then that’s your queue that you can relax too. Boys know when someone is being too uptight and tend to keep away from them for the simple fact that they don't feel anything they do will be their cup of tea. Just like the girls, you want to be supportive, not disapproving...even if it means a there actually might be a foreseeable trip to the hospital.
For the new Step Moms:
3a. You are one more example of what women are like to a young boy. If you are nagging at him or your partner, complaining that your needs aren’t met before anyone else in the family, boys remember this and you become one more reason why he is reluctant to marry. He just witnessed a failed marriage or relationship with his own parents and now is exposed to you. Will you be the woman that makes his dad very happy, and is the kind of friend he needs during his childhood? Little moments that show you are a woman full of love, grace, acceptance, and humour is exactly what a boy needs to rethink about what his attitude is with women. This is especially so if his father would commonly complain about his mother, or any exes that he wasn’t happy with. It’s your chance to be a great woman in his life and show that he will have his chance to find a great love too someday.
For the new Step Dads:
3b. You are an example of one more great male figure in his life. I can't say much here as a woman, but it seems boys really do need more male connections in their life than girls do. Girls can be satisfied with very strong connections with fewer people because they are naturally communicative all the time. Boys have so much trouble picking people in their lives to talk to and confide in, that the more options they have in people both relatives and friends, the better it is for them. Be that great guy who your partner's son needs to learn things that perhaps his own father didn't know to show him, such as how to throw a perfect spiral for fifty yards, or how to start a campfire without a barbecue lighter.
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