Unfriended online and in real life!

[BeeNee]

Once a year, let's call it electronic Spring cleaning, I go through my Facebook friends list and I evaluate the list. Unlike some people, I know everyone on the list from school, work, or through some other in person way. So I start by asking myself a few select questions:

1. Have I spent time with this person outside of FB (if they live near me), and vice versa this year?

2. Have we wished each other a Happy Birthday, sent Holiday greetings, asked about school/work/kids, whatever is important in each other's life that we've posted about frequently (or done this in person)?

3. Have both of us written on, commented on, liked anything on each other's page without being linked to it?

4. Have messages repreatedly gone unchecked or unaswered?

5. Do I really still consider this person to be a friend in real life and/or are they worth keeping as a FB friend?

After this evaluation, there are always 2-3 people who get axed. I don't dwell on it, it just wasn't meant to be and I move on and apparently so do they, until this particular year where the only two people I'd axed suddenly sent me FB messages asking me why I had deleted them as FB friends. The first person I sort of fumbled around a bit and told some lie and re-added, but the second, well, I took a different course of action and have ever since.

The second 'friend' had been someone I met through work. I'd since moved on from that job and we used to hang out a bit until we didn't. Online however, she had requested some help on a personal project. Me knowing a lot on the subject, I offered to help, to clear my weekend, so that we could do said project. A week went by, two, then three, one figures people get busy or forget. A few months later, I asked if she was still up for the project, and she was enthusiastic about it and again said she'd let me know which weekend...and you can guess, 1, 2, 3 weeks went by and nothing. So for an entire year plus after this, there were no messages, comments, likes, invites either in real life or online between us, so of course, she failed questions 1-5 and to the delete tab she went after 2 years like this. So when she questioned me about it, I sent her a message back that said:

Unfortuantely in life, sometimes even once good friends drift apart. In a friendship or in any relationship, we make time for those we consider important to our lives, and over the last two years, neither of us have made that committment to each other either on FB or in the real world. For example, the emails I sent where nothing came about or the invites that went unanswered. It's not about you or I being bad people, we just aren't the friends we used to be. Good luck with everything.

After that I got one email about how we could still hang out, we could still do stuff, we could still be friends, but at that point, after 2 years of essentially not hearing a single word from this person and not ever meeting in real life, it took me deleting her for her to even think to write, or comment, or suggest we hang out again. That more than anything should have told her something, because it certainly did to me. Thus, she remains unfriended to this day.

Now this sort of evaluation doesn't just apply to FB, this applies to the real world as well. For example, I ran into an old friend from high school who was excited to see me even though I hadn't seen her, talked to her, known who or what she was doing during all the time until she just appeared in front of me. We started talking about the good old days, and how great life was back then, and blah, blah, blah until the conversation naturally came to an end where she said, "well, maybe we should hang out some time." Now normally, my response would have been sure, but the thing is, it had been 10 years since HS. We'd actually gone to the same college and this person hadn't sought me out. I'm obviously on FB, and she was part of the HS FB alumni page, and she never sought me out. She was friends with some of my other friends who have my phone and email, and she'd never sought me out, so at this point, in my mind, I thought and then said:

It was great meeting you and having this conversation, but the reality is we most likely aren't going to hang out. I mean, you didn't even ask me for my number or email address or give a possible date. So let's just say, if we see each other again in this life, we'll meet up and say hi and talk about the good old days, but let's leave it at that. No pressure.

Now she could have said, oh my gosh, here is my number or email, but she didn't. She was shocked at first, but then agreed that it was the truth and she was 'being polite.'

At this point in my life, I have quality friends. I have a core group of 10 friends I have known for nearly 20 years now who remember my birthday, show up at my party, congratulate me on my successes, hang out for lunch, call me when I'm sick, call me out of my BS, show up for me in an emergency and I do the same for them. Those are friends. So many people are pretending and being cordial with one another about things they never intend to do or commit to in this life. If someone wants to really be your friend, they'll make actual effort. If I call and say let's hang out and point blank ask you to pick a time and date and you flounder for 6 months, that's not someone who is really committed to a friendship or wanting to be in a relationship with you. Think about your best friend. If you called s/he today and said let's hang out and they didn't call you back for 6months, would they still be your friend? Sure, the first thing you'll say is, well what if they are busy with school/work...or have kids...or have a wife/husband...sure, and all those things could be true, but in 6 months time, you didn't have a single hour to hang out like ever? You're telling me you never went to hang out with any of your friends or did any kind of fun activity not involving those things in 6 months, a year, two years. It's just time for a reality check for some people. It isn't about just being an a-hole, its about calling a spade a spade. Why play the charade of pretending to be really good friends when you aren't? I'd rather devote my time and efforts to the loved ones in my life who are there for me, who care about me, and who show up and I do the same for them. No one needs 400 useless friends. In truth, you only need one or a couple of quality, not quantity friends to make life more meaningful.

[asdaven]

You can't evaluate friends based on how much you hangout. I have my "fun" group of friends and I have the friends I truly care about. I see the fun group of friends much more often to go out and party. The friends I care about not so often, but when we hangout we re still the friends we were even all the time has passed.

It's all about how close you are. Some friends will be forever even though you don't see them that much. Actually, I find the people that you talk to more and see more tend to be the types of friends that come and go more often. Whereas the friends I don't see as much are still my friends to this day. However, when someone isn't making an effort to be friends or you don't feel like making the effort to do so, that's when you evaluate the closeness of your friendship and consider letting them go. But I wouldn't shut someone down just cause you haven't seen or talked to them in a couple years. People have busy lives and have jobs and families. It's not always that they're not interested in being your friend.

[kitty71]

I agree that you can't evaluate friends based on how much you hang out, although there are certain people that do apply that. I lets say went out with a guy for a first date after meeting him 5 mons ago. for a reason he never explained he never gave me the chance to get together again cause he texted me that things won't work out. I mean how can a person know well a person enough that only based on one date he knows Ohh I know this women enough not to even go for a second date. The guy does not know me well to jump into that conclusion and I dont know him that well for the same reason. I mean the purpose of the first date was to start to get to know him not that the guy decided a second get together was not going to happen, based only on one date, he does not know me taht well to see the kind of person I am.

[asdaven]

Well dating is a bit different. Maybe he wanted something different other than dating and used dating as an excuse to get closer to you? But I also see your older and correct me if Im wrong, most older men and women are probably more up front about their intentions. That's my biggest frustration with people my age.

Thing is I rarely drop someone after one date. Unless they do something big to make me turned off or uninterested. For me, sometimes feelings takes time and I need to know the person. Any feelings right away in my opinion is attraction just based on looks or maybe personality somewhat. But I don't make broad assumptions like "this isn't going anywhere" or "I'm not attracted" from the get go. In fact, I'm finding I've been better off with those who didint attract me a lot intially. Those that have have kindve turned into non serious casual relationships. So you gotta think about the whole picture than what meets the eye. Unfortunately some people don't do that.

[BeeNee]

If you have had zero contact, and I mean online or in person with someone in lets say 5 years... how can you define that person as being your friend? Let me put it another way--would you consider someone to be your wife if you haven't seen them in 5 years, haven't spoken, haven't had sex, haven't written, haven't talked online, haven't hung out, etc. (and we're not talking army-even they can write)? No you wouldn't, so how do you define a person as a friend if you've done none of that? People often hide behind the excuse that they are busy. No one, and I do mean, no one on this earth is busy 365 days a year, 24/7 even if you have 5 kids and demanding job. Yes you would be busier then most, but in an entire year if you can't find time for someone you consider to be a friend or important (and I mean, we're talking as basic as sending them a birthday wish, or writing them an email), then they aren't someone you or they consider to be a friend or all that important.

[kitty71]

You are correct saying that people around my age should be more upfront about their intentions. Probably this guy was but he never really came upfront and told me what it was that from him it may not work. First get together as far as Im concerned went well, we di dnot have any problem and he complimented me twice on my looks that day he told me he liked the way I looked. I mean lets not call it a first date lets call it a get together because we both agree to hang out it is not that he asked me out or me ask him out. We made out nice and hug and he invited me. Unless he wanted sex that nite but I doubt it cause he never gave me hints he wanted sex, for me it was a get together of 2 peopl who were just starting to know each other. He is 42 im 44. I know this guy was not into future serious relationship with girls and that I knew and it was ok by me because I was not looking for a serious relationship either in the future, if in the future things comes by ok if they won't fine also but

[kitty71]

but we were just in the phase of starting to know each other and then over text he said Whatever we have oir it was is not going to work, he said and then he said Im sorry. but never gave me any kind of explanantion. That text caught me off guard completely I never expected that from him, especially when like 2 weeks before we wer speaking about going out again to celebrate his bday going to eat. For me nothing was wrong for him maybe but I dont know what it was he did not explain.

[asdaven]

Truth is guys can be insecure and when we are we won't admit it. I just stopped talking to this girl cause I wasn't sure where I stood with her. I told her I liked her after her showing interest then says she's not ready for a relationship and I've seen her with other guys. So I kindve just walked away from it without an explanation. Sometimes people don't even know themselves why they feel the way they do about a particular person and therefore don't have an explaination. And I'm usually straight up or straight up when asked but that dosent mean I'm gonna to be able to give an explanation that the other person is going to understand. The third thing is yes that guy could've been lying and just wanted sex. Or maybe he just wanted love but realized he didint have anything you and therefore didint want to use you. There's a million possibilites really. I'm in my mid 20s and try to go for women in their early 30s because they're mature and more straight up... I find that lol.

[asdaven]

Normally I try to talk things out with people and many people my age or younger usually get angry and turn it into a pointless argument. If there's an issue or something that needs to be addressed then boom argument rather than just a civil give and take conversation about it to meet a common ground. Maybe he just didint feel like talking about what was bothering him or making him hesitant. And some people aren't receptive to someone explaining their actions like I just said. Maybe he has a mad crush on you and is embarrassed lol and is too much for himself. Seriously women aren't the only ones like that, guys can be too. But it could be a million things and feelings aren't always clear cut even to the person themself.

[RationalLioness]

I personally think that's dumb, but that's some people's course of action. I'm the type of person who if you haven't spoken to in years for some odd reason and we bumped into each other, it would be like I just saw you yesterday. I also don't make FB my life or peruse it that much though I do it due to the fact that that is the only way that some people can contact me.

I never got the mentality of clearing out the lists nor do I delete people. If someone wanted to be added, I add. If we talk, we talk. If not, that's fine and keep it moving. I've had it done before where someone deleted me from their Friend's List and I didn't care or want to know why. I just assumed they did what you did and from my point of view I find it silly. But there's nothing wrong with it--it's how some people are.

[BeeNee]

So then I'd have to ask you, since you say you don't delete, what is the purpose of having 200 'friends' you never talk to, write to, or see in person. How is that the definition of friendship? It's like you're just collecting people on a list to make yourself feel like you have more friends then you actually have. I know, as I said, everyone in person on my list and we hang out in real life... hence I can say without any reservations, these are my real friends. Why do I need people in my life who can't even be bothered to hang out with me in real life (except obviously those that don't live near me).

[kitty71]

You can't base if a person is ur friend or not just for the how many times you hang out. I have my female friends still from high school and that ws like more than 15 years who most are married or they have kids and Im the only single of the group with no kids or even married. Due to their priorities to their kids and being a spouse, we dont hang out much but we still are friends and try to set up to hang out again when possible and whne we finally see each other and that could take even months or even 1 year we are happy to see each othe again and catch up.

[BeeNee]

If I told you right now that there was a million dollars with your name on it at the bank down the street and all you have to do is show up to claim it, magically look at that, you have time in your day to do that. People often make the excuse that they are 'too busy,' yet how much time do you spend online, or watching tv, or etc. If you can't find a single 5 minutes in your day in 365 days to say hello even online to a friend or send them a birthday wish, they aren't that important to you. We all make times for that which we consider to be important. If you live in different states, obviously you can't hang out in person, but that doesn't mean you don't say hi online or maybe send them a Christmas greeting.

[RajeshTheJeshter]

Wow, you're such a faggot. I'm sure nobody notices when you unfriend them.

[BeeNee]

Why are there still useless human beings on this planet who use your type of derogatory language? Also clearly people noticed when I deleted them... which is 90% of the basis of this story. Shh!

[YourFutureEx]

After using the same filter of question you used, there are barely 2-3 people left in my case :/