The Beginning
Time for a little background info on me. I come from a negative family. Not abusive, per-se, but definitely not all rainbows and unicorns, either. My older brother would do everything in his power to destroy any shred of confidence and love I had for myself. I also had a mother who did nothing to stop it, and even told me once that maybe I should just learn to ignore his gibes. But how could I? My big brother, the one person in my life who was supposed to protect and support me, killed the hope I had at such a young age and replaced it with self-loathing and ever growing anxiety.
I was only 13 years old when I planned to drop out of school and run away from home. It was a dark few years for me, suffocated by bullies and "friends" whose negative energy drove me further into myself until I had nothing left. Though I didn't run away, I eventually developed depression and an anxiety disorder that made both staying at home and going to school a terrifying experience. I had no emotional outlet. I was a really angry kid. Fueled by betrayal and fear, I wanted nothing but to watch the world burn around me. I wanted to hurt everyone who ever hurt me.
Fear is a seed that, once planted, never stops growing.
- Sara Raasch, Snow Like Ashes
It wasn't long after that I was introduced into a new group of friends, but the feeling of belonging was crushed when, instead of feeling better, I felt worse. In retrospect, I understand that it wasn't that I was some broken, misunderstood teenager that separated me from them. It was their attitudes that did. They were angry at the world too. They blamed everyone for their problems, just like I did. They were the fuel to my fire. And what does gasoline do when combined with a flame?
The Result
When I look back at my life now, I realize how messed up I was. How naïve, how afraid. It was my fear that held me captive in my friendships, and in my own mind. My brother had planted this seed of fear in my brain that told me I was unworthy of love and support, and so I became afraid of life, of my friends and of myself.
As a result of the shit I went through as a kid, I've started to become very picky with who I choose to be friends with. They aren't just bad influences to me anymore, they're life deterrences. I know now that my friends hold an importance greater than anything else - they have the power to help me succeed or to utterly destroy me.
I want to be around people who do things. I don't want to be around people anymore who judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people who dream and support and do things.
- Amy Poehler
The Advice
So, my advice to everyone who reads this is, please be wise about who you choose to be friends with and who you talk to. Your time is so important. You are so important. Please don't waste your precious time with people who don't appreciate or support you, or who bombard you with negative energy. Friends are supposed to bring happiness into your life, not destroy it. If they want to hold grudges at the world, let them. It's not being rude, it's not being inconsiderate. You're doing what's best for YOU, and that's never a bad thing.
What do we say to negativity?
Thanks for reading <3
---- Julie B. (CœurRosé) 😊
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