Why I'm A Horrible Person

[Anonymous]

#depression #sad

I would describe my everyday life as a continuous cycle. Everything is repeated over and over. During the summer holidays, I stay up late, sleep all day and watch Netflix. During the school year, I go to go to bed earlier, get up for school, and then be lazy at home. I don't go out during the day. I have no friends. Either way, i'm a slob.

I can honestly hate school. Everyday, I go to school and pretend that everything is okay. Sure, I can take sick days every now and then, but that can't happen too often. I've thought about arranging an exchange course, just as an escape. I think I would feel better elsewhere. I really don't appreciate the pressure from exams as well. I haven't studied and my junior cert is in two days. I won't bore you with those details, I could probably write a novel on that.

I am always stressed and tense on a daily basis. I am constantly taking out my stress on my family. I seem to always be in a bad mood, and I can't control it. Honestly, I've always been a stubborn person though. I'm constantly demanding and narky with my family. It makes me feel terrible when I say something that crosses the line, but it seems like there's nothing I can do. Sometimes I end up crying alone in my room.

Today was an interesting experience. My family decided that they wanted to go out for dinner, which was fine. When I saw my mother bringing swimming supplies, I asked her where we were going. At the time, it kind of got on my nerves that they wouldn't just be honest about where we were going and what we were doing, after all I had to study. We got in the car, had dinner and then they drove to a river. At this point, I became really paranoid about needing to study and I started to demand them to drop me home. After a lot of arguing, and a long drive, we got home. While my mother thought I wasn't listening, I heard her say 'she just isn't normal'. The words have stuck in my mind all day. I hid it but I was really upset. I am a terrible person. Later, my brother told me that my voice was annoying.

I'm probably just hypersensitive right now, but I found myself partially offended, and then mostly plain sad. It's my fault. I wouldn't blame them. If I had a relation like me, I would despise her. I'm alone. I've always been the awkward child; whether in school or at home. When I say terrible person, I don't simply mean a bad person. I'm a useless person, I contribute nothing to society. I'm an antisocial person; I can't make close friends, almost all my weekends are free and I have no hobbies. There is no point for my existence.

Sometimes, it bothers me more than usual. I look around in a busy town, at the street, anywhere. There are smiling families, happy friends and just a lot of people who trust each other having fun. I will never have this. I always find a way to ruin things, that's my talent.

[confusedgirl672]

I've been there. I was there for years. And I still fall back there sometimes.
My dear, you are exhibiting all the symptoms of depression. Seek help. It is an actual medical problem. It causes your neurons to stop growing and shrink, and your hippocampus to shrink, and your frontal cortex to be stunted.
There is treatment and therapy for this. I, for example, have been steadily recovering for the past five years. It takes time, but it's possible.
Seek help.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you for the reply and it's just that it's something I find near impossible to talk about in real life situations.

[confusedgirl672]

I understand. :) When I was first put in therapy, I did NOT want to be there. But there comes a point when our wants become irrelevant, and our needs take priority.

[orphan]

is that you in the picture?

[myTake Owner]

No, just googled a picture

[sarahhcmarie]

Girl, I can say the exact same about my life. What those guys said, they don't know shit. I was a lot like that freshman year. This year I still act like that, but not as bad, I just think it's fair to say, you're not alone. My mom and dad tell me shit like "You're not normal" all the time, just because I have self-conscious issues, and depression stuff on a occasional basis. I CAN tell you, that this stuff will get better throughout the years. It did for me. Maybe not as much as I wanted, but it has gotten better. Maybe to help, you can see a therapist and tell her everything you've said here. I would recommend a female since it's most relatable. For a therapist to really help, you need the find the PERFECT one for you. That's how it is with me. If a therapist can't understand me, then they aren't the one. Just a suggestion, I mean honestly, I'm not crazy about seeing therapists, (just cause I don't really need one atm) but it might help you if you give it a try. And by the way, if you do decide to see a therapist, THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOUR SICK AT ALL. OR ABNORMAL. SO MANY PEOPLE SEE THERAPISTS FOR STUFF LIKE THIS!!! Or for stuff even more minor!! You could also probably do positive things that you like, whatever it is, even if it's one thing. For me, I love dogs, so I go to shelters and pet my own for comfort. Do stuff that makes you feel joy. And I get it, with all the studies and stuff. I'm failing my Spanish class right now, and I have to keep getting tutored every week. (my teacher is terrible) So, yes, it makes sense for studies to come first, but the school year is almost over, so if you have a little free time, why not do something enjoyable? With your family even? It sounds like they try to do fun stuff with you. Just don't stress a ton. It's not healthy, and my final option could be to go on some medication for your mood, or depression if you haven't already. Get a recommendation from a GOOD doctor. Anyways, sorry this was so long, just felt I had to type a response since I can relateeee.
Hope it works out:-)

[31SadBoy13]

im sad and depressed since 4 years but i make it everyday with music, its hard to be allone in a strange country, without friends and single

[zagor]

Hitler was a horrible person. You have issues.

[Anonymous]

these thngs doesn't make you a horrible person