Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

1. It's my heritage

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

For as long as I can remember, whenever I've said my full name, I am asked how it is properly pronounced and what the story of my last name is. It gives me a connection to the world I never want to lose. My last name is Northern Dutch. In the Netherlands, my last name is very common. It's like the Dutch Version of "Smith." However if anyone has my last name, I am most definitely related to them in one way or another. My last name has deep roots with Scandinavian history. I have many ancestors, both men and women, who were Viking warriors. Which reflects my DNA, as I am 20% Irish, 20% Scandinavian, and 60% Western European. So you could say I come from a family of strong women.

2. It's been my identity for the last 20 years

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

My parents spent months coming up with a name and it flows so nicely. Point is, I just never saw myself with any other name. If a guy can't see that my last name is just as important as his, then I'm not marrying him.

3. It's just a custom that I have no interest in

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

If anyone else wants to change their last name because they are traditionalists or whatever reason, then they can go ahead. Personally, I am not and have never been a traditionalist. Just like how I have no interest in making sure that my wedding dress is white. I would like my wedding dress to be red actually.

4. I want to be a successful operating room nurse and I would not like to rebuild my reputation from scratch

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

I am currently working as a neurosurg CNA and I plan to be an operating room nurse. The best medical professionals started from the bottom and worked their way up. I think it's a good thing that people know that I started from the bottom, it's definitely very humbling. I got my start in the medical field as a hospital volunteer and now I'm a CNA. Next thing to work my way up to is a nurse apprentice. Plus the hospital feels similarly. The reason they hired me with little experience as a CNA was because they want to be the company that I got my start and the company where I got my "end goal dream job" as an operating room nurse. They love when people have worked there for years and years.

5. I don't want a new last name because I don't need a new beginning

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

My life doesn't begin or reset when I get married.

6. It doesn't bother me that our names won't match

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

I don't care if my future husband and I don't have matching last names. I'm not that insecure. Let people talk. I don't care.

7. It's a big hassle

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever
Everything from email, to drivers license, passport, professional name, social security card, reintroducing myself, etc. I plan on having a simple courthouse wedding anyways, so why should changing my last name be the biggest hassle of getting married? I don't want anything fancy, nothing that is a huge hassle, just love.

8. Because it's my decision

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

If someone does want to change their name, then they are free to do so. They won't get any judgement from me, but whatever they decide it should be their own choice.

9. It has no effect on the marriage

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever

If a relationship is so fragile that it rides on top of whether the woman changes her name or not, it wasn't going to last anyways.

I don't ever plan on having children, so that won't be an issue. I already know people are going to ask, "then why else would you get married if you don't plan on changing your name?" This is going to sound so cheesy but the answer is, love.

Why I'm Not Changing My Last Name, Ever
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Most Helpful Guy

  • torken

    What will your children be named?

    That question, right there, is why SOMEONE should change their name.
    You can trace your way back through history with your last name, why? Because families keep the same name.
    I understand the individual in you is angry at giving up freedom, and yes it sucks to be a part of the gender where its expected to give it up, but lets throw out a few scenarios:

    You keep your name, kids take either the father or mothers name: The children will feel like they are more related to one parent or the other, AKA, there is division in the family unit, not unity. Also, it will be hard for generations after to trace back.

    You hyphon the name, Jane Smith and John Doe have Billy Smith-Doe, and Billy marries Sally Jones-Brown and they have Timmy Smith-Doe-Jones-Brown. Yikes. Timmy's kid will have 8 names. Soon our birth certificates will be birth scrolls to capture all the names.

    Its a lose-lose right?
    Also, lets be clear, no one is going to care, or even be surprised, that a nurse will get married and change her name. The health community is still run by doctors and doctors are still mostly old white men who are used to the conservative old way of life.

    • I don't want kids.

    • lumos

      Who said that her future husband won't take her name?

    • torken

      @lumos I'm very clearly indicating the importance of keeping a single name, regardless of gender, for a family.
      And not wanting kids is all well and good, but you parade your ideas around like they should be mainstream. If not having kids is attached to that, then welcome to the last generation on earth...

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Most Helpful Girl

  • dipta

    It all depends on every culture.
    For instance, in Japan and some other Asian countries, either the man or woman needs to adopt the partner's surname after getting married because that's how the family registration system works - only one name per household.

    In my home country, women can choose whether they adopt the husband's surname or not, except that name will be added to your own. You can never lose your own name.
    Even if you don't add the husband's surname, your children will be given both yours and the father's surnames.

What Girls & Guys Said

  • OlderAndWiser

    Do whatever you want, but I think that getting married and having a family is not all about maintaining your individual identity. It is about forging a new identity as an integral part of your new family. In marriage, two individuals should surrender their needs for individual recognition for the greater good of establishing an identity as a family.

    Of course you have justifications for your decision. But. . . perhaps you aren't ready for what is required in a successful marriage.

    • If changing a name is that influential on a marriage, then I want no part in it. If a relationship is that fragile, it wasn't going to last anyways.

    • No, a name change does not make a marriage strong.

      Your refusal to accept it is a sign. It suggests that your willingness to compromise for the same of your marriage is very shallow or nonexistent.

    • Because it's my name and my identity. My husband is a part of me but he isn't my identity. It's easy to say that you become "a family" when you become a family but not really. He has this anme his entire life and will continue to have that name his whole life, so he doesn't have to sacrifice his identity for our "new life." If he doesn't change his name, where is the compromise that he is making towards the marriage? I'm willing to compromise on other things.

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  • coralee

    I used to not care that much, until after the death of my Grandfather. I had the best Grandpa in the world and I'm sorry future husband but I don't want to lose that connection to him as frivilous as that might seem. My name is who I am. Men don't get it because they aren't the ones expected to do it. If it's an issue with the man then he's not the one for me as simple as that.

    • Same here. I adore my grandfather. He made a lot of mistakes but he always righted his wrongs and he's a very patriotic Dutch man. If any man has an issue with it, he's not the one for me.

  • BrittBratt2416

    The only reason a lot women have their last name is cause their mother took their father's last name unless dad took mom's. Taking the last name meant as coming together as one family, not erasing the person as a whole and saying that person no longer exists. Either way is fine, my mom took my dad's last name and gave it too me so I don't have problem with taking my boyfriend's name when we get married.

    • It doesn't literally erase me, it does that in a symbolic way. This is the name I've always identified with, and if I changed it I would feel that I lost a part of me that can't be replaced by another name

    • I don't see how? Name change or not you'll always be you no matter what.

    • Either way maybe your future husband won't care anyways.

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  • J-Rock

    It's hilarious to watch how feminism has destroyed women.
    1. It taught women "you don't have to do stuff because you are suppose to, it's sexist".
    2. Then women decided to stop being the pros at sewing, cleaning, gender role jobs, cooking, parenting, etc, etc.
    3. Then it forced men to be independent and do all of the stuff that women shouldn't have to do.
    5. Then feminism taught women "Do nothing at all and refuse everything".
    6. Now women have absolutely NO value. 99% of women are more concerned about their nose and hair than anything else.

    Yeah girl. You keep your last name. You don't have to do anything for your guy and men owe you everything. They must continue to entertain you, provide for you, and keep you interested, and romance you.
    And the BEST part of it all if a girl was with a guy who would be ok with this she will automatically "lose feelings" for him him eventually. You women don't have a clue on what you are doing. You want a loyal guy yet you choose guys based on height restrictions. you want to be treated great, yet you go for the loud and obnixous jerk.

    You want a dominant man then you tell him you won't take his name and you actually think that you won't say "I dunno know why but I fell out of love with him".

    You are woman let's hear you ROAR!

    • And here comes the illiterate dumbasses. Please excuse me, I don't believe the word feminism is even said in this. Back to school so you can learn to read.

    • J-Rock

      You don't have to say it. That's what it is.

      Half of the titles you mention basically are saying "cause I don't want/need to".
      -It has no effect on the marriage
      -Because it's my decision
      -It doesn't bother me that our names won't match
      -it's just a custom that I have no interest in.

    • As for gender roles, I taught myself how to sew. My house is completely clean because I am a clean freak. When I was in high school I got an award for cooking and went to a competition for it. I was asked to bake the desserts for a mental health meeting and my state governor complimented my cookies. I can't have children. I am quite short so just about everyone is taller than me.

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  • evm987

    I totally understand your points.
    Personally, I want to change mine, simply because it's too long. I can never spell it right when I'm typing, and it has a space which messes up alphabetization and which a lot of people forget.
    That being said, if my husband's last name is longer/more complicated than mine, maybe I'd keep mine.

    • That's understandable. When I was in fourth grade, I didn't know how to spell my last name because it's Dutch and long. I'm pretty sure my teacher thought I was really stupid.

    • evm987

      Yeah, mine is Dutch too. I actually learned how to spell it pretty early in life, but I get really frustrated with it sometimes though...
      For example, my university gives us email addresses with our first initial and last name, so some people like my roommate have nice, 6 letter, email addresses, while I'm over here with 13 letters that I type out incorrectly more than 50% of the time.

    • Kkaos

      If you want to change your name because it's too long, then what does marriage have to do with it? Just change your name anyway...

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  • Cookielove195

    Good luck on finding someone who agrees with that statement. No offense but ALL of your reasons sound selfish they are for YOUR benefit. Not the benefit of you and your husband. A marriage is compromise. It's people like you that take out the meaning and significance of a wedding and marriage.

    A marriage is meant for two people to become one. You take his name and become joined into his family.

    But live your life!!! Do you boo!!! 😘

    • It is my life, my name therefore my decision. Is it really me that takes the sanctity of marriage away? Or is it the people who cheat on their spouse after they've been married a year? Or perhaps the infamous Kim K and Nick marriage that was 72 days long? I mean if you let other people have an influence on your marriage, it wasn't going to last anyways *insert condescending "boo"* Who said I'm not willing to compromise on something else?

    • Why do you need celebrity examples to back up your opinion. It's not real life. Most of them marry just because they can. Here in the real world of hardworking individuals we do things differently. Did my comment offend you? I'm just speaking truth.

      I'm just telling it like it is. What man would marry a woman if she doesn't want his name? That's like the biggest slap in the face. Maybe even a deal breaker. And when you tell him all your selfish reasons why I'm sure he'll leave. But that's none of my business πŸΈβ˜•οΈ

    • "Or is it the people who cheat on their spouse after they've been married a year?"
      There doesn't appear to be a celebrity mentioned in that. I know a few couples like that. Any relationship of mine is none of your damn business, bitch. Stay in your lane. No, you didn't offend me. I guarantee by tomorrow, you will forgotten.

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  • meatballs21
    • You apparently do since you took the time to comment on this and took the time to find that picture.

    • It was the least I could do after having to read it.

    • Omg. I am so sorry did someone point a gun to your head and force you to read it? That has got to be traumatic. I know a therapist because a friend of mine is one, if you need it.

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  • CactusJuice

    If my girlfriend didn't change her name then I would respect her decision. However, in that case I would insist that she sign a prenuptial agreement.

  • pervertedjester

    I get most of it except, 4. I want to be a successful operating room nurse and I would not like to rebuild my reputation from scratch. How exactly does changing your last name affect your reputation in your field? I would think that if a job blacklisted you because of a name change then odds are it's not the best place to be.

    • My first name is already pretty common. I want people to know I'm still the same person without having to reintroduce myself.

    • I get what you're saying but the "why" of it seems kinda flimsy. At least to me. Changing a Name doesn't change a person or their skills. And it would only add two more seconds to say "Yeah, I got married."

  • Anpu23

    When my mother married my step father she had planned on keeping her name until he said "I want to give you something that is very precious to me, my name and heritage." It changed her mind. Remember that there are two people involved in a marriage, and certainly the one you love enough to marry feelings should be taken into account. On the other hand, my wife kept her last name, it didn't bother me at all.

  • NotJustAName

    IF I were to find another asexual and we wanted to get married, I would not change my name either. I love my name and I would hope to love the other person's name.
    *Also, my career couldn't handle name changes either.

    • Explain how your career could not handle a name change.

    • @MysteriousDarkness My career is actually recorded on IMDB under crew.

    • @NotJustAName still does not help

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  • I love and respect your My Take Here, dear, and your own Decision Here., dear.
    Years ago, I Changed my own Name Legally, not Liking that Name, but No matter What... I am Still the Same.
    Good Luck. xxoo

  • ElisAllTheWay

    Beautiful. I'd love to move to England, and I would never change my name so it's easier to pronounce, because it's my heritage as an Italian citizen, and I would want to make it clear that I didn't move to somewhere else to erase that.

  • didigo182

    I think it could only be if the husband agreed too. After all it is a marriage in which the two need to make decisions.

    But I would not mind, I think something unimportant, but there are men who would care and perhaps be disappointed.

    • Agreed. Marriage is a partnership and if he didn't agree, we simply don't get married. We go our separate ways with no hard feelings.

    • didigo182

      Yeah i agree!

  • MackFreeze

    That is cool for you, however marriage is two people from two different families becoming one family. That is why it is important to me since it is her and me coming together to make a family. I read you didn't want kids, which is cool for you. Yet, I would keep an open mind about anything really. The business life and individualist lifestyle may not be something that turns out to be in your favor. After all, individualism is the American society. You have to stand out and you are why you succeed and all this, but truth is, you don't need to prove anything to anyone. You can fail.

    If you can't compromise anything then you will be left shorthanded.

    • You act as though I give a damn if I'm single my whole life. Rather be single than in an unhappy relationship anyways. I physically can't have children, no need to keep an open mind about that.

    • You can adopt

    • Maybe I don't want to, because that is none of your damn business. So many people need to stay in their own god damn lane.

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  • luvstoned4him

    So I suppose he will take your last name then?
    anyways I understand your reasons and I met a couple who did the same thing BUT they went a tad further and gave each of their two daughters a different surname; one from dad and the other daughter took her mom's surname.

  • madhatters4

    my wife didn't take my name. i couldn't care in the slightest. it's just an antiquated notion based on a time when women couldn't own land and inherited money from her family on the basis of marriage.

  • BellePepper

    Kudos to you OP. I seriously think people underestimate how much of a hassle it is to change your name and be known by multiple names. Who has time for all that?

  • xlsScummer

    Cool, good for you., Don't understand why you have to make a fucking presentation about it.

  • rjroy3

    It is a custom, but it's a custom that actually does have meaning. It's more about becoming part of a tribe/brotherhood/team of sorts. Kind of like how when someone joins a sorority or a frat they become a sigma and so on. It's not about dropping your old identity and becoming a new person. It's about taking on that future as a part of that tribe. Not doing so is kind of like wanting to be on the team, but not be a part of that team if that makes sense. It would be like a guy wanting to join the Marine Corp, but never wanting to be addressed as a Marine because he's "his own person". It's not about that.

    • rjroy3

      Personally, I don't really care about customs and a lot of what's involved with marriage that i'd be very flexible on. But one of the few things I'm actually pretty rigid on would be the last name thing. If the woman I was to marry absolutely wanted nothing to do with having my last name I would take that as an insult. It's just as easily taken as not wanting to be associated as part of my family as it is to argue that you don't want to drop your past, when taking on a new last name doesn't do that anyways.

    • I don't need to become a new identity. I said that in this my take. I don't like repeating myself. My husband will be a part of me, but not my whole identity. Maybe he doesn't want to be addressed as marine, that's his business not yours. I have a friend of mine who is a doctor but she thinks it's weird to be called "Dr", she prefers Amanda.

    • Who said I was marrying you? This is something you discuss with your wife, not me.

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  • yulbsari

    I really don't care. She can choose whatever name she wants. Marriage has issues that are infinitely more important than that... like maturity, compatibility, financial issues, checking past baggage, being on the same page about kids, temperament, etc. I am a believer in premarital counseling... and background checks...

  • I never understood the name change thing anyways. As a matter of fact there's a lot I've never understood about weddings in general

    • I don't understand why atheists marry before the church. That's probably the most confusing one.

    • @Svennedude2 I'm atheist and don't plan on having a religious wedding. I would prefer a courthouse wedding.

    • That probably makes more sense. Still, a lot of atheists marry before the church because they find it more 'romantic'. In that case, I feel like they are kind of spitting on the Christian religion and its vows and believes.

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  • TheJeek

    I'd say reason number 4 definitely makes the most sense to me. Otherwise I think having one person changing their last name would help bind the marriage better.

  • S_Rose

    You sound like you are really rational about almost all your decision making. Except, love.

  • KatherineJ

    1) Your life
    2) Your name
    3) Your marriage
    4) Your decision

    • It's BOTH
      1) Your life
      2) Your name
      3) Your marriage
      4) Your decision
      The guy doesn't have to accept it.

    • @DonkeyRick69 then we aren't getting married. Simeple as that. m

    • Sweet. It will save us $30,000

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  • Nik1hil

    so can i change my last name matching to your, is it acceptable by you in a marriage simulation

  • Rainie_

    Not changing my last name either, dad actually took on my mother's surname. It's a really unique one, and only people related to me has that surname.

  • Waffles731

    what if you were on the run and had to change your name because you don't want the heat on you

    • Then maybe, I'll change my name.

    • I'd also advise cutting and dyeing your hair and carrying some sort of cheap Saturday night special that you can throw into a river, maybe three of them

  • Essentialdimples

    You have some good points, personally I like the idea of having/taking something that belongs to him, I also like the idea of being "owned", it's romantic but I understand why women keep their maiden names.

  • springocelot

    In my family's culture, when a woman gets married, her maiden name becomes her middle name and the children all get her maiden name as their middle name. So it's a non-issue for me.

  • ArabianPwincess197

    This is something I'm really indecisive about, at times I want to adopt my future husbands name but at the same time I'm identified with my father's name so I'd want to keep that

  • DarthLadyKiller

    Do what you want but I would be offended if my wife did not take my name. My surname is not that bad, it comes from Wales and is the 7th most common surname in the UK

  • ladsin

    I personally don't know how I'd feel about this situation. I want my children to have my name... So I don't know, more power to you though, lol it just means you won't have my babies XP

  • aaaaabbbbb

    I wrote a question on this matter just yesterday. I completely support you! Thanks for your take!

    • Yes I love your question. A lot of people were questioning why a person would refuse to change their last name, so I wrote this.

    • Thank you very much! These are just the things I was thinking of ( only you used better wordingπŸ˜€πŸŽ‰).
      I hope people understand better now why someone should refuse to change their last name. Thanks again!

  • Astoriana

    I agree. Some random tradition from a culture that is not mine is not a good reason for me to do something.

    • Kkaos

      What about the fact that you're kids have to have a last name and chances are you'll never be identified as being in the same family as your kids or your husband because you have a different name to them.

    • Astoriana

      @Kkaos you must be very insecure to worry about those incredibly inconsequential things.

    • Kkaos

      I'm not insecure at all. What's the point of getting married? Answer that one, why don't you.

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  • yko95

    I plan to hyphenate. Personally I chose this because my last name is basically just for our family. like anyone with it is related to us. there aren't that many of us. And I feel like it has become a part of my identity. Out of respect for whomever I end up marrying and to signify our joint lives, I will add his last name to mine. Of course if he feels strongly about me only taking his name I would be open to discuss it. But these are my views so far..

    • Kkaos

      What last name would your children have?

    • yko95

      @Kkaos probably hyphenated. but again if he strongly wanted them to only have his, with a good reason as to why, I may change my mind.

    • Kkaos

      It would be very selfish to hyphenate your child's names. What about when your children have kids and both them and their partner want their last name in your grand children's names. Your grandchildren would end up getting very long names, not to mention if they did the same with their children, and their children. It's a cycle that becomes ridiculous.

      Someone's got to sacrifice their name. There is no other option.

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  • JDavid25

    Aye well, it is what it is.. LOL.. It kinda seems like a I want separate bank accounts type thing..

  • DonkeyRick69

    I just wouldn't marry her if she wouldn't take my last name. Like if you do away with one tradition why bother with the expense and hassle of another espicially as marraige is out of date and of little value as well as dangerous for men. The divorce rate is as high as 50% so if she can't committ to your name dont legally committ to her.

  • GigiMary

    I am going to start off by saying that I totally get where you are coming from, and have a cousin who says she won't either, but I intend to change my last name to that of my boyfriend when we (hopefully) get married.

    There are other ways besides just not taking it wholesale. My mother moved her last name to her middle name, got rid of her old one, and added my father's as her last! Who says you will have to start your career reputation from scratch if you take his name?

    All that being said, I have nothing against you keeping yours and the last sentence of your take is heartwarming! Thanks for the MyTake!

  • Shamalien

    You could always do what my mom did and swap out her middle name instead. Her old last name is now her middle name so she has the same last name as my dad. It's a good compromise, especially if you have a shitty middle name like she did XD

  • DodgersGM

    Nuce Take.

    I've changed my mind on this topic over the last couple of years. I used to be all gung-ho that my wife took my name, but now it wouldn't bother me at all if she kept hers.

  • Nice222

    If you you were to get married and have kids whose last name would they have?

    • I can't have kids and I don't want to adopt. For many couples, they decide something unique. Some couples decide to give their kids the husbands name, others hyphenate them, and others give the boys the husbands name and girls the wifes name.

    • Nice222

      That's cool. Thank you for sharing.

  • Do whatever you desire. My wife will take my last name though.

  • false

    This is going to sound confusing but, marriage =/= love.
    it just gives you an illusion that your bond is stronger when really nothing has changed.
    marriage might hold some financial benefits but you'll sound like a douchebag mentioning those as a reason.

  • Harmseygrace

    I'd change my last name. I said I wouldn't, everyone told me I would when I love someone enough, and they were right.

  • goaded

    We kept our own surnames, with the idea that our male children take my surname and our female ones their mother's.

    • JenSCDC

      That's exactly how I'd do it.

  • Tanisha69

    I will change my last name for my future husband. But you do you

  • Djaaay

    Good , because your not worthy of my last name. Only my sons will get my last name. And everything else that comes with it.

    • I'd rather shoot myself than be pregnant

    • Djaaay

      Who said my sons were yours?

    • Your opinion

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  • TripleAce

    sounds fair
    if I was a girl I wouldn't wanna give it up either...