When people think of divorce, they often think about it affecting the couple or the couples families and children if they have them, but divorce can also have a strong impact on ones friendship circle, especially if the couple came into their relationship with the same friends. Whether the couple outright says it or not, at some point there will usually come a time where some type of line is drawn in the sand where they feel like you're either with them, or against them. This is where things can get ugly and friendships and loyalty are often tested and lost. As the friend in friendship limbo, what can you do to survive their divorce?
1. Declare your loyalty or become Switzerland
Once things seem to be settling in on the, "this is final," road, as a former friend to both sides, you need to make it clear that either you are refusing to choose a side and you are loyal to both your friends whether they like it or not, or you have made the choice to no longer really associate with one of the parties involved. If either side is pressuring you to pick one over the other, don't do it. It was their choice to divorce one another, but it is your choice as to whom you want to remain friends with.
2. Do not engage
Divorcing couples will often try to throw you in the middle of their fights, or get you to bad mouth one or the other or drag you into their arguments, but do not engage, especially in the bad mouthing. For one, sometimes couples do get back together and then you're the friend who talked negatively about them, or it simply won't end well for you as you become two faced by talking about one with one friend, and the other, with the other friend. You don't need to and should not agree with the negative talk, but you can listen with neutral ears and just let them vent. Your friends may or may not be in the wrong with their comments whether you disagree or not. The truth that you have to keep in mind, is that being a friend, you do not know what happened with them behind closed doors even if one person says it happened this way, because not everyone is truthful all the time about the reality of their situation.
3. Do not play telephone for the couple
When a couple knows that you are a potential go between, between the two of them, there may be a tendency for them to use you as a means to get information on the other. As above, do not engage. Respond to such requests with a, "you'll have to ask them if you want that information," because it is not your business to spread their business to the other because the couples relationship has changed and they are no longer privy to the 24/7 whereabouts of the other.
4. Do not let yourself feel guilty for socializing with either friend
Your friends will probably no longer hang out with one another, but you may still get invites to different events that one or the other is throwing. Go and have fun because you are there to support or have a good time with a friend, but do not allow yourself to be made to feel guilty about it. Again, you are not the one that is divorced from their former husband or wife, and they will need to respect that and you.
5. Be a friend until you or they can't be
Your friends will most likely be having a hard time and super stressed out dealing with the dissolution of their marriage or huge chunks of their lives. If they'd rather you not talk about the other or they feel it's too stressful to hang around you because you hang around them, let it be. Sometimes a friend just wants to dump everything and everyone in "their old life" and start fresh. Unfortunately, you may be part of that dumping. Be as kind and understanding, and as much of a friend as you can be to them, but if things don't end well, don't try and force it because if someone wants you in their life, they'll make every effort to keep your friendship going. If your friend decides they don't want to try and be friends anymore, or you do, walk away and stick with people who want to continue to be your friends.
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