For the past few years, at least since I’ve graduated from college in December 2012, I’ve always dreamed of getting married. I want to pick out the dress, get the proposal, and start a family. I want a ring to sow off to my friends. I don’t want the ring because of the size or value, but just to show that a man cared enough about me to commit to me and only me until death do us part.
I was 22 when I started buying into this silly dream. I’m now 28, and my views have changed drastically.
After several relationships that ended in heartache, abuse, and flat out cheating, I’ve realized one thing.
I have partially lost the desire to get married. I haven’t lost the desire to eventually marry and still date, but the idea of me being married by the time I’m 30 is no longer believable nor really wanted. At this point, I don’t think it’ll happen before I’m 40 simply because there are not quality single men available to me to date in my area.
But, even still, there’s one other thing I realized, and that’s what this article is really about. Although getting married isn’t out of the realm of possibilities, I definitely am not ready to have children. That also means I cannot date a man who has kids because I positively lack the ability to love them at this point.
Could I like his kids? I don’t know, maybe. But I really just don’t want to try. But more so, I don’t want to be a mom. I have just over 200 friends which in the year 2018 where most young peoples lives are dictated by social media, that’s not a lot.
If you’re a mother and you’re easily offended, then you may want to stop reading at this point. Don't say I didn't warn you.
But your lives seem very plain, boring, and lame. I can’t tell you how many women say on social media, in public, at work, or at get togethers that their children are ‘their lives’. Like…what? How can your kid be your life? Then I realize a sad truth. They are.
From the second you find out you’re pregnant, your life is dictated by your child until they are at least 18 years old, and sometimes even beyond that.
I couldn’t imagine waking up every day and the first thing I have to do is make sure my child is dressed, then has eaten, has their school bag, and get them to the bus stop all while trying to get myself ready for work. Then they come home, you have to make them do homework, cook for them, bathe them, and get them to sleep. And this is all with kicking, screaming, and crying. Sure, the kids get older, but all that means is the tantrums and attitudes change to fit their age. Instead of crying about having to take a bath they’re whining about having to vacuum before jumping on the Xbox. And you can’t tell me any different as I’m a middle and high school teacher. Even the best kids have their meltdowns, and I just don’t have any time for it outside of work.
But beyond the daily tasks of them being toddlers, it’s just the sadness of the reality of motherhood that I see. Facebook has become boring and mundane with the many moms that I’m friends with posting every day what their child ate for breakfast or that they’re doing their chores, or that they’re so proud that got a B+ on a spelling test. One of my friends had a 57 message long thread on her page about how much breast milk she produces on a day to day basis and asked if drinking beer increased the flow. At least 20 friends confirmed her suspicions and the thread is still going as I type out this article.
What’s worse are the mothers who make their children’s accomplishments into a competition. Johnny can play the trumpet? Well, Susie can play the trumpet AND the piano. Allie is on the cheerleading squad? Christy is the cheer captain!
I will say that about 95% of the time, it’s not done on purpose. But moms? You do this. Absolutely. My sister is a new mother, and even she has said she’s noticed it among her mother friends with their babies even going so far as to compare their child’s weight at birth. My own mother actually warned my sister and me that this would happen, too, as we began to have babies of our own because it also happened to her.
And let’s not forget about the ‘no nonsense’ mess that moms claim they have (that you don’t). Even that has become a competition with moms. Who takes the least disrespect from their kid? Honestly, I’ve always been a firm believer that if you have to tell people you don’t tolerate crap from your kid, then you undoubtedly tolerate crap from your kid. Being a teacher has done nothing but solidify this. Over 5 years and 700 students later, and without fail, every mom that claimed they don’t tolerate disrespect has a disrespectful kid. And they aren’t just disrespectful to me, but other staff members and their own parent. This especially seems to be true for single moms, which sucks because your jobs are made that much harder when you have to act as both the mother and father. As I said before, I don’t have the time or energy to do that after spending 8 hours with 119 twelve year olds.
Sorry…but that’s lame. Do you not have anything interesting to talk about? No, you don’t because your life is now all about your kids and literally nothing else.
There’s so many things that come to a screeching halt when you have kids. And most of these things I haven’t accomplished yet.
I want to write a book. I want to get my Master’s degree. I want to start my bakery business. I want to spend money frivolously without worrying about how it’ll impact another person. I want the luxury to wake up one morning and decide to fly to Vegas just for the hell of it without having to plan for anything other than who is going to babysit my beagle. I want to explore my options and be completely satisfied with my life before I settle down and have kids.
You, as a mom, cannot do that without it being made 10x harder by the simple fact that you have a kid to care for because they always need to be watched or they always need to be with you.
I may not be a partier, and a lot of people may think my life as a teacher who supports herself is boring. That’s fine. I don’t really care.
But I know if I have kids then I can’t accomplish everything I want.
Look, it’s great that you love being a mom, and I know the job is hard (thus why I’m not one yet), but I don’t want my life to end in my 20’s because a little human has now become the dictator of my existence.
When I have kids, I want to make sure I leave behind no regrets. I want to say that I was fully 100% ready to have kids and now that my dreams have come true, I can focus on my child’s dream. I don’t want to resent their presence. Too many moms my age and younger say they wish they had waited to have kids because they didn’t do everything they wanted to in life.
I will not be that person. I will chase my dreams and have my kids at an age that I’m comfortable, even if that means it’s later than the average woman.