How To Create Healthy Boundaries, Effectively Communicate, And Be Assertive Amongst Family Members, Friends, Colleagues, Acquaintances, And Strangers.
Hi guys and girls!!!!! I hope your day is going Fantastic. In this MyTake, I will be covering one of the most effective ways to set a healthy boundary and how to communicate effectively to get your needs met. Boundaries are "guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits." I was inspired by a question someone asked me about how to "create" the healthy boundary. It is very easy to just say "place a boundary" but it is not always easy in the moment. I have selected one cognitive tool that has been proven effective in placing and maintaining healthy boundaries. This tool is called the DEESC Script.
Let's get started:
The first step in the DEESC Script is to describe the situation, problem, or misunderstanding. On this line you want to be very short and concise. It needs to be clear and straightforward. For example "When you leave the toilet seat up". This identifies the problem and it is very clear what you want resolved or changed. Do not put more than one problem on the describe line. One Deesc script for one problem is the method. This is to avoid overwhelming the person you are delivering this too. If someone becomes overwhelmed they will feel attacked. You can not communicate effectively to someone who thinks they are being attacked. So keep it short, simple, and respectful. No judgements allowed in this tool. You are stating the facts not labelling, bad mouthing, or condescending. In the case that you describe your problem and the individual tries to change the topic or does not acknowledge it please use the "broken record" method. When the conversation starts to get off track keep reiterating the problem at hand until it's the main topic of discussion. It is natural for an individual to project, blame, or attack when confronted. When this happens they are operating in the emotional brain. Therefore, it is your job to make sure you stay on track. So go ahead and try it and drop a comment below👇👇👇 (I will read them and tell you if it is good for delivery before you try this method on family and friends.)
Express how you feel. After you have adequately described the problem, now you need to tell this person how you feel. For example, "I feel annoyed, frustrated, and ignored, when the toilet seat is left up". When expressing your feelings do not go overboard and forget the problem at hand. You will need to limit your emotions to three different ones. They need to be actual emotions. If you would like a detailed MyTake on emotions and how they serve you please drop a comment and leave feedback!!!!! 👇👇👇
If you have successfully completed the first two steps now you can empathize with this person. When you empathize with someone you are also validating their feelings and their struggle. For example, "I understand that you were rushing and sometimes you forget to put the toilet seat down". Empathy makes the person you are delivering a Deesc script to feel more comfortable and open for discussion. No one wants to listen to bashing or nagging to effectively get a point across. So by showing empathy you are making it clear that you are not placing blame, judging, labeling, or demonizing this individual.
NOW you can describe how your needs can be met. Never assume people know what your needs and wants are unless you explain it to them beforehand. So what is it exactly that you need and want from delivering a Deesc script? Using my example, "I want my man to make a better effort to put the toilet seat down". Your needs and wants should be simple and realistically attainable for the individual. If someone thinks your wants and needs are too demanding this method will backfire. Keep it short and simple. It is important to note that just because you ask for something DOES NOT mean you will have it. No matter how great the delivery is. No method is perfect. This is just the most effective.
Consequences are surprisingly the most challenging and confusing to do in this method for many. When you are delivering consequences you ARE NOT giving an ultimatum. Instead, you are discussing all the positive consequences. I know this sounds weird but hang in there with me. No one appreciates an ultimatum. When someone receives one it is natural for them to break down or stop listening. So instead, inform them of all the good that can come from your needs being met. You are explaining to them that if you do this for me I will also do something for you. This is the time to make everyone winners in this conversation. For example, "if you put the toilet seat down, then we will have less arguments, be less confrontational, and we will be happier as a couple. See everyone wins. That's all I have.
Authors Final Remarks:The DEESC Script is a cognitive tool that can aid when trying to communicate effectively, place boundaries, and be assertive. It is a tool taught in cognitive behavioral therapy. So instead of paying $100 a session to attend these classes, I am teaching you these tools free of charge. My only hope is that you will be able to improve and understand your current relationships and connections better. It is important to note this will not always be effective depending on the person. This tool also does not guarantee your needs will get met. This is a tool to be utilized and is seen as an aid. If you execute it the right way you increase your chances of getting your needs met. If you are going to try this method I highly advise you post it here in the feedback before you attempt to deliver. I can increase your chances of being heard and correct any errors to the method.
Yours Truly: Secret6620 💋♥️
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